


When Sorry Dies

by demondetox



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Barebacking, Doctor Jared, Domestic Violence, Explicit Sexual Content, M/M, Mpreg, Physical Abuse, Rape, Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-09
Updated: 2014-01-19
Packaged: 2017-12-14 10:23:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 9
Words: 53,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/835831
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demondetox/pseuds/demondetox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is in an abusive relationship, his boyfriend a jealous bastard with a bad temper. *more later*<br/>-Disclaimer: This fic is based on a true story. Names and places have been altered to make it suitable for a J2 fic. Borrowing their faces and bodies to make it more pretty. :-) No man has been impregnated when this all happened, since it’s originally about a woman and a man.-</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Art: sisterofsin @LJ  
> Fic Title with thanks to 'whensorrydies' @LJ

 

His feet ached, cold from the late summer storm, wet from the rain every farmer in the state prayed for and bloody from the gravel underneath them.  
  
His whole body shivering, the thin shirt and shorts not providing him the warmth he desperately needed, head pounding from the blow and throat still covered in marks from the elbow that pinned him down, choked him, almost took his last breath. If he closed his eyes he could still see the barrel of the gun, pointed at him with a finger at the trigger.  
  
The throbbing pain in his ass didn't want to stop. He so didn't want all these reminders of what had happened, of what was done to him. Hands that once were gentle and giving him pleasure were now the hands that almost killed him, almost drained the life out of his body. Legs that were once tangled with his' after hours of love making were now legs that had straddled him, knees digging into his lower back to press him down into the mattress, making him immobile.  
  
The orange lights from the street lamps giving his tear stained and pale face some of its color back. He didn't even know where he was going, the street names didn't mean anything to him, he never left the house long enough to learn his new neighborhood, he didn't know a single soul in this town who might be willing to help him, couldn't even call anyone. His phone was where he had to leave it, at the house, along with all his other belongings, including his clothes and wallet.  
  
Jensen was alone now, nobody near to give him shelter, to protect him. For the first time he wished he had listened to his family. But he didn't believe them, didn't want to believe his boyfriend would ever lay a hand on him. Jensen always knew Tom had a bad temper, crippled with unnecessary jealousy, but it never got past verbal fights or throwing china against the nearest wall.  
  
He didn't listen when they warned him, begged him not to leave Texas and move to California with Tom.  
  
He was promised heaven on earth, but what he really received was hell, isolation and agony.  
  
For the first time in months Tom had invited him along to one of his dinner parties and Jensen enjoyed every second of it. He had always been a shy guy but Tom's friends welcomed him with open arms and it was easy for him to join in, laugh and have fun, to get out of his shell. But he could feel Tom's eyes watching his every move, listening to every word he spoke and he knew a fight was awaiting that night, felt it in every single nerve that he was in for a jealousy ridden conversation as soon as they'd arrive back home. Jensen had told Tom time and time again that there was no need to worry. Jensen had never been unfaithful, his love for Tom enough to not even react if someone tried to hit on him.  
  
Tom started yelling and screaming at him the second they closed the door behind them.  
  
This was not how he wanted to tell his boyfriend, but it seemed like a good idea when he all but blurted out that Tom would always be the one for him, that Tom was the father of his unborn child.  
  
He had expected Tom to calm down by the news, get him to see how serious Jensen was about him, that he only loved Tom, but the calm and joy never came. Instead Tom accused him of cheating, called him a whore and then everything fell in, like a house of cards.  
  
Tom had slammed him against the wall, his elbow digging deep into his throat and he demanded to know who he fucked around with. Jensen was crying, begging him to stop and listen, but the other man was too caught up in his rage to hear a word Jensen said.  
  
"Do you think I'm stupid enough to knock you up? Who knows who's dick you sucked up! That's all you're good for anyway, right Jenny? Taking cock and cooking dinner on time. But you know what? If you like whoring yourself out, why don't we start with my dick up your ass?"  
  
Tom didn't use any lube, he fucked into Jensen dry and slammed his hips against Jensen's ass painfully. After half a dozen of thrusts Jensen knew he was tearing, the warm wetness leaking from his hole couldn't have been anything other than blood and it hurt so much, burned like fire, he hoped to drift off into unconsciousness.  
  
When Tom came he pressed Jensen's face down by the back of his head, his lungs screaming for air and after Tom finally let go of him he pushed him off the bed, screamed at him to get the fuck out and never come back.  
  
Jensen moved on auto pilot, he walked to the closet to get something to wear and grabbed the first things that came into view. When he was about to pack more clothing Tom stopped him, told him none of the things were his anymore. Jensen only nodded, reality still trying to seep in. He took his wallet and cell from the dresser and once again Tom held him back, his hands having a tight hold on Jensen's wrist while he opened one of the drawers and Jensen's eyes snapped open when he looked at the gun Tom pointed at him, warned him to not test him and better leave before he wouldn't have a chance to regret it.  
  
Jensen should have seen it coming, should have acted sooner. All these fights before should have been indication enough of the abuse he let happen to himself. Now he realized that he had been mentally tortured for way too long. Tom's apologies afterwards had never been serious, but Jensen was blinded by what he thought was love.  
  
Sorry didn't cut it anymore, this time Tom went too far and Jensen hated himself for always standing behind Tom, for always crawling back to him.  
  
Jensen was weak, believed Tom loved him but he was too stupid, too far gone to see when the sorrys died, when they became less over time and at some point he started to believe Tom, believed that Tom’s abuse was all his fault. That he might deserved it, even though deep down he knew he didn't do anything wrong.  
  
Maybe his family was right. Maybe he really was bondaged to Tom.  
  
This revelation hit him with every step he took, with every little pebble of the road leading him away from the farm, the stones tore more and more into the flesh of his soles.  
  
He thought things might change when he learned he was pregnant, but never in a million years did he expect to end up alone and broken, mentally and physically.

The road he was walking on seemed endless, but he knew he had to get away, he couldn’t risk going back, not this time. No matter if Tom might run after him, might try to get him back. Jensen mentally laughed at himself, at his thoughts. Tom would never follow him, would never ask for him to return.

Without a dime in his pockets he had to figure out how to get by from now on. He didn’t even have co-workers to turn to. Jensen had quit his job for Tom’s sake. Tom had told him it wasn’t necessary of him to have a job, his career providing them luxury for more than two lifetimes. And Jensen had listened to him and handed in his resignation.

Now he had to figure out how to provide not only for himself, but also for the life sleeping peacefully right beneath his heart.

The longer he walked, the more intense the pain in his bones became and he collected all the energy that was left in him to drag him further, further away from the hell that was his life, towards… he didn’t know. But if he stopped putting one foot in front of another he might never gotten back up again.

He had to keep on walking, had to force his sore limbs and wobbly knees to keep pulling him forward.


	2. Chapter 2

When Jensen came to, he didn't know where he was, his eyes heavy and every muscles under his skin sore. Every nerve in his body was in distinctive pain and slowly he remembered what happened, why his limbs were as heavy as rocks and why he was barely able to move.

Immediately tears began building like a river behind his lids, the shock and anguish sinking in. Jensen slowly lifted his hand to wipe the tears away with the back of his hand. When the sting in his eyes faded some he pushed himself into a sitting position, or at least he tried. His arms to weak to support his weight and they gave in, having him crash back into the pillow. It was then that he saw nothing familiar surrounding him, he was in a hospital bed, the ugly ass sheets of his bed should’ve giving this away from the get go, but he was too busy being more mice than man to see it.

He had no idea how he ended up in this place, couldn’t even remember how far his feet carried him. The last thing he saw before his world went black was a couple of houses in the distance, city lights coming closer, but after that… nothing.

And that fact was scary, frightening and he was so very close of panicking. What if Tom had indeed followed him, found him? No. Tom would have not brought him to a hospital, that much he was certain of. Jensen might have been stupid when it came to trusting people too fast too soon, but even he knew that the hospital staff would ask questions, questions Tom would most definitely rather avoid.

After a while Jensen had tried again to lift his form up, even managed to drag his sore butt a little further up the bed and then felt something else, something weird pulling on his dick and he squeaked  at the sudden sharp stab of pain and cursed before he lifted the blanket off to see what the hell was going on.

They had inserted a fucking catheter in his dick. “What the fuck…” He mumbled. This couldn’t be good. A look out of the window indicated it was daylight, but which day? If they got him a catheter then he must have been out for at least one, maybe two days. But still, that didn’t give them the right to, you know, touch him… there. Much less push any tubes inside. This crap burned like fire. Well, he guessed, it was either this stupid thing or pissing himself. And if he didn’t like the idea, the nurses wouldn’t appreciate it either. The only thing _he_ appreciated was the IV hooked to one of his hands, at least they didn’t let him starve or die of thirst, or whatever it was they were pumping into his veins.

Talking about nurses, he really could’ve done with some painkillers, but…, he couldn’t even take those anymore.

He lifted his hospital gown up again and placed his palm over his still flat stomach.  
  
"Are you okay in there shrimp?"  
  
Jensen was barely six weeks along, it was too early to get any reaction out of his little one. He knew the baby would be okay, had to be. Never even asked himself if he should really keep it, no matter how difficult his relationship with Tom had been. It was strange though, strange that it took him this long and such violence and abuse to his body and soul to realize his relationship had failed. For the first time he questioned his feelings for Tom, wasn't sure if it was more dependency than actual love.  
  
But it didn't matter, not anymore. His unborn child innocent in all of this, but with a right to live, even if Jensen was the only person in the world to ever love him, or her.  
  
It was a scary thought though, being responsible for another human being, a baby, so vulnerable and depending. Jensen silently prayed that Tom had only hurt him, in the most cruel way possible, and not their child. _Their child_. The baby would forever remind him of Tom and this was a fact Jensen had to learn to live with. There would be no forgetting, not now and not ever. Jensen was afraid, afraid of maybe not being able to love his own child, only because it was Tom's as well.  
  
For the fracture of a second Jensen wished they'd been more careful and he wouldn't have to worry about it, but what's done's done and he would have to man up and make sure he would be at least somewhat of a decent father.  
  
When the door knob rattled to life he was pulled out of his musings, his hands grabbing the blanket to throw it back over his body.  
  
"Guess sleeping beauty finally decided to wake up." A tall young guy, probably in his early twenties with blue eyes and spiky blond hair said to a... Jensen looked up, further up, and up again. Whoa. Cat-like green-blue eyes and bangs all over a gorgeous face looked apologetic at him, a nervous smile tucking on the guy's lips and Jensen must have been staring because all of a sudden the blond dude was standing next to him, his fingers waving in front Jensen's face.  
  
"Hey buddy, you with us?" The blond asked and Jensen shook his head to snap back into the here and now.  
  
"Y-yeah. Think so."  
  
The other one, the very, oh so very tall guy walked closer to the bed, his shoulders getting broader the closer he came, his stupid big hands and long fingers tucking at the stethoscope which was hanging around his neck.  
  
"Sir, I'm Dr. Padalecki. Do you know where you are?"  
  
Jensen blinked at him then looked to the blond and took a quick look around. "Looks like a hospital. How the hell did I get here?"  
  
"A trucker found you unconscious at the side of a road in Glendale, that was two days ago. You didn't have any ID on you so there was no way of contacting your family or friends." Dr. Padalecki explained with a serious voice but his eyes screamed worry at Jensen. Something he hadn't seen in anyone for a long time, not since his family begged him to stay in Texas.  
  
"Okay, good. Can I go now?"  
  
"Nope!?" The blond looked at him like Jensen just grew a second head.  
  
"Sir, what nurse Chad is trying to say is..."  
  
"I'm so not a nurse, dude, seriously."  
  
"...what the manly man in the nurse outfit is trying to say is that we advise against it. You are in no condition to walk out of here just yet, you are in a lot of pain I'm sure and your feet are cut open from walking around barefoot, they won't even carry you to that door. I had to give you almost twelve stitches on each foot."  
  
Jensen didn't even look at his feet yet, he surely felt the pain, but it was radiating through his whole body so he couldn't possibly tell where it was coming from in the first place. He only nodded and rested his head back on the pillow.  
  
"Chad will give you something for the pain and then he'll get a form for you to fill out your personal details while I'm going to explain to you what's going on, okay?"  
  
Jensen nodded again, not trusting his voice and to be honest he hoped that neither of these guys were responsible for the catheter, well, at least not Dr. Padalecki. There was something about the guy Jensen didn't get. He was awfully young to be a doctor, yet concerned and his soft voice soothing. The guy was obviously worried and nervous as hell, couldn't stand still for longer than half a second, heels bouncing up and down and Jensen wondered if the doc sometimes grabbed himself a couple of happy pills.  
  
But it was also possible that Jensen wasn't used to happiness and kind people around him anymore. The thought painted his face with a frown, he missed this. Missed being so carefree. Jensen wasn't the man he used to be anymore, the man who spent whole weekends hanging out with friends, going to parties and hooking up with guys he barely knew. He was outgoing, open minded and didn't even think about settling down anytime soon. His friends back in Texas knew how shy Jensen had always been, and after they fed him a couple of beers he had no difficulties flirting or running out the backdoor with a guy hanging on his heels.  
  
But then Tom came along, wrapped Jensen around his fingers... and hips. Tom treated Jensen like he was the only person in the world, his words chosen wisely, telling Jensen everything a guy could only dream of hearing and literally swept him off his feet. Everyone around Jensen saw the change in him, that every other sentence he spoke was about Tom and soon his friends distanced themselves from him. Tom knew exactly what he was doing to Jensen, wanted him for himself, screwing with his mind until Jensen was so far gone he believed every word Tom said.  
  
"How about we start with your name? Do you know who you are?"  
  
"Of course I know who I am." Jensen snapped, but felt guilty only a second later. "Sorry. I didn't mean to... The name's Jensen, Jensen Ackles."  
  
"Mr. Ackles, you don't have to apologize. Can you remember what happened to you?" Dr. Padalecki was obviously uncomfortable with this question since he must have seen all the bruises covering Jensen's body. He nodded, not trusting his voice to carry him through the memories.  
  
"Okay, good. I mean, it's not good, but it's good to know there was no distinctive trauma to your head." The doc kept fidgeting, his hands moving with every word and Jensen wondered why this didn't make him nervous, he used to hate it when people couldn't sit still for a minute.  
  
"First of all I want you to know that your baby is fine. You keep grabbing your tummy, you did so when you were brought in and you were only conscious long enough to tell us you're pregnant. The pain medication we have you on won't harm the baby, so you don't have to worry about that either."  
  
Jensen let out a sigh of relief.  
  
"I know this must be difficult for you, and I can imagine you don't want to talk about it, but as your doctor I have to tell you... uh..., Mr. Ackles, when we got you out of your mere clothing we discovered that you were sexuality assaulted. I had to stitch you up after getting the rectal bleeding to stop. For the next couple of weeks you'll have difficulties walking and sitting will be painful, but it will heal. The tearing of your skin tissue is not too severe, but bad enough to require stitches."  
  
Now it was Jensen's turn to be uncomfortable. The problem wasn't that some doctor had seen and touched his most intimate places, but that it was this doctor. Built like a shit brick wall, legs way too long, arms muscled and those stupid veins on his hands practically beaming at Jensen whenever the guy so much as moved an inch. Jensen wondered if the doc's hair would feel as soft as it looked and if the guy would freak out if Jensen would reach out and card his hands through that silly and unruly mop of hair.  
  
"You're going to be alright, Mr. Ackles."  
  
And fuck, who gave this dude the right to have dimples? This was not fair. Not at all. A couple of years ago Jensen would have hit on him so fast the guy's head would be spinning. But that wasn't him anymore. Jensen didn't flirt with guys, wasn't worth anyone's time or effort.  No, the Jensen he was today blushed, ducked his head when people talked to him and when two years ago he would have charmed his way through life, he was now reduced to snapping at people and using sarcasm.  
  
And that was just a shame. Jensen had never met a guy before who gave him so much trouble breathing, or talking. Not that Jensen was in any condition to be flirting anyway. Even if the circumstances were different, there was no way he would ever have a chance with a guy like that. Jensen hoped the doc was as straight as a ruler, otherwise this was going to be too disappointing. He was a loser, a nobody who had given up happiness for a man who had hurt him. Who would ever want someone like him? He was used and abused; dirty, with nothing to his name and a baby on the way that wasn't wanted but so painfully denied by his other father.  
  
Jensen had to get his thoughts straight.  The guy was a doctor, of course he had to pretend to care about all his patients, act like they all mattered. Jensen would never matter to anyone, not to this Dr. Padalecki, nor to anyone else. He really had to get used to being a lost cause, ruined for every other man out there. And let's be honest here, who would want a basket case like him, a single father to be who had no idea how he' would ever be able to afford a living. God, he didn't even know where to go once he was released from the hospital. It would take him days to get a replacement for his 'lost' ID and a new credit card to access his damn bank account. Jensen was sure his parents would help him to get back on his feet, but he was too afraid to let them know what a failure he was and how right they had been this whole time. Life officially sucked.  
  
The next few days were spent in an emotional chaos for Jensen. One minute he felt safe, relieved and almost convinced he could be strong enough to keep going and the next minute he fell in such a deep depression he wanted nothing more than to give up. Give up on himself and life. If it wasn't for the life growing inside of him he had ended this mess, leave this world without regret.

It was difficult to ignore these stupid dimples and whenever the nurse checked his vitals and Dr. Padalecki was present Jensen's pulse went on a full high. It was embarrassing and he felt like an idiot, slobbering like a fucking teenager over a guy who would never even notice him.  
  
Jensen didn't even understand why the young doctor made him so nervous, it was weird and somehow new. The worst part was feeling guilty for being attracted to another man.  
  
He couldn't comprehend why Tom didn't love him anymore, or if he ever did. Jensen had done everything for him, was loyal and faithful from the minute they met and literally gave up everything that ever mattered to him so he could be with him. Yet it was never enough, Jensen would never be enough.  
  
He wanted to hate Tom and he should have but it felt wrong; like betrayal. Instead he hated himself, for still loving the other man. It was sick and twisted, his brain listening and acting on all the things Tom said to him or always wanted him to do. No matter what Jensen's opinion on a subject was, Tom talked him into changing his mind, like a damn robot; programmed to say whatever was asked of him. His whole life controlled by a man who never gave a shit about Jensen's feelings. All he ever wanted from Tom was to love him and maybe, maybe he still wanted to be loved by him. He shouldn't want this, knew how fucked up it was but his mind wasn't his own anymore, hadn't been for a long time and this fact was so very terrifying.  
  
Jensen was in the hospital for almost two weeks when Dr. Padalecki announced he would be released the next morning. He couldn't wait to leave this place, but on the other hand he was afraid. Afraid to be alone and to face the world on his own.  
  
Jensen was surprised to see his shorts and shirt had been cleaned and neatly folded when he opened the dresser in his hospital room. The whole time the hospital had provided him with sweats and shirts so he wouldn't have to wear this silly gown all the time. Not that he left the bed much anyway. Which had proven to be a good idea since the few steps to the dresser were painful, his feet still not fully healed, stitches still in place and it was going to take at least another week before they could pull them.  
  
His legs were shaking, weak from the lack of movement during the last couple of weeks. Jensen was scheduled for one last check up before he was good to go. He hated the examinations, hated to have his ass cheeks spread so some doctor could look how far the healing process would be, but he was thankful it had never been Dr. Padalecki.  
  
After yet another doctor declared Jensen was healing well he was brought to the gyn ward for an ultrasound.  
  
Jensen was anxious and on edge. He loved his baby already, but couldn't look at the screen, he only wanted to leave. As soon as possible.  
  
A couple hours later Jensen had said goodbye to the nurses and walked out through the big revolving door. The sun was immediately heating his pale skin and he could practically feel himself freckle even more.  
  
A few cabs were waiting outside and Jensen was once again reminded that his first way should be the one to the cops and the bank, reporting his wallet stolen.  
  
Jensen took a deep breath, indulging his lungs with the fresh breeze of late summer winds. The longer he stood there the more his feet hurt him, the shoes he was given by the nurses just one size too small and the bandages around his soles not really helping either. But it had to do for now and he had yet to find a place to stay, a roof over his head and a bed to keep his back from being tortured.  
  
Jensen knew he had to keep going, but it was scary. For the first time in his life he was truly alone and on his own. The bench next to the hospital's entrance was smiling at him and a few more minutes at this place wouldn't hurt. He sat down slowly, his every movement still under a distinctive amount of pain and as soon as he found a comfortable position he closed his eyes, let his mind wander. Big mistake, he ended up wallowing in self-pity, wondering why fate or whoever decided it was a good idea for him to be still breathing. He should have tested Tom, figure out if he was really capable of pulling the trigger. Death was probably a better solution than whatever was awaiting him now.  
  
When the thought traveled through his mind his stomach began to rumble and all of a sudden he was nauseous and in the last second his sore feet dragged him to the trash can a few steps away. He emptied almost all his stomach's contents and he could already feel his eyes becoming bloodshot.  
  
"Hey, you alright?" A familiar voice behind him asked.  
  
Jensen turned around to find himself face to... chest with Dr. Padalecki.  
  
"Who cares?!"  
  
"I do, obviously. Looks like morning sickness has found its way to your system." Dr. Padalecki gave him a weak an apologetic smile. Fuck you and your stupid dimples.  
  
"No shit, Sherlock." Jensen didn't understand himself, didn't know why he was always being an asshole to the guy but his presence was so comfortable that it was too uncomfortable. God, why couldn't he have met this guy a few years earlier.  
  
"I know it's none of my business, but I couldn't help but notice that you never called anyone, nobody came to visit you and you didn't want the police involved."  
  
"You're right, it's none of your business." Jensen spat. He didn't need this pretend-care, didn't want it. And again he wished it was Tom who would worry about him, or at least act like it. Jensen wasn't even picky anymore. Anything was better than being alone.

"That's what I said. Where are you going now? There's no address written on your papers."  
  
"And?"  
  
" _And_ , where are you going to stay? Your clothes don't scream homeless, yet you don't have an address? What about the father? Does he know yet?"  
  
"What about him? How do you think I ended up here in the first place." Jensen all but yelled and when he heard the words leaving his mouth he reached for the trash can again, his stomach was so not ready for this confession.  
  
"Oh my God. You saying he did this to you?!" Jensen was too distracted with all the bile leaving his throat that he missed the shocked expression on Dr. Padalecki's face.

“Leave me alone doc. I really don’t need any sentimental bullshit from you.” Jensen didn’t even look at Dr. Padalecki anymore, he just wanted to be left alone, he had already said more than he ever wanted to say.

“Just hear me out for a second.” Dr. Padalecki almost begged and the plea in his voice had Jensen look up at him again, his eyes still layered with this fake pretend crap, but for a split second Jensen questioned himself, maybe the guy really did care about his patients after all.

Dr. Padalecki fumbled in his coat pocket and with the other hand he tugged a pen out of his chest pocket.

“I’ll write down an address for you, it’s a motel. But none of those shabby places. It’s rather classy actually, a friend of mine works the desk every night, her name’s Sandy. If you don’t have anywhere to go, check it out, tell her I sent you and she’ll let you stay for as long as you need a roof over your head.”

Dr. Padalecki handed him the piece of paper and Jensen hesitated at first, but eventually took it and looked it over.

“I wrote my number down as well. I mean, you know, if you need anything. Just give me a call.”

Jensen looked at the paper again and there was in fact a phone number scribbled down and in a very neat and doctor-y handwriting it also read Jared. Jensen didn’t even know the doc’s first name until now and he had to admit that he liked it.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because it looks like you could use a friend right now and as my patient I also want you to be safe out there. You and your baby.”

If the guy was actually telling the truth then maybe, just maybe Jensen had to apologize for being a rude asshole this whole time. But for right now he was way too scared to trust anyone.

“Thank you, Doc.” He said instead and tucked the piece of paper in his shorts. He didn’t have anywhere else to go, so he might as well check the place out. Jensen still couldn’t wrap his mind around the guy though. Since when did people actually care about Jensen?

“You’re welcome and Jared is fine.”

Well great. Dimples. Jensen was so screwed.


	3. Chapter 3

Jensen groaned when he woke up, not because he was tired as fuck, but because he all but jumped out of his motel bed when he started retching, his head spinning.  
  
The morning sickness was getting out of hand since he first experienced it three weeks ago after he left the hospital. At first Jensen hesitated going to the motel in the first place, but the evenings were cold and he was so very tired and eventually he gave in.  
  
He was surprised that Sandy didn't ask any questions, only gave him the key to a room and said to call reception whenever he needed anything.  
  
During the first few days Jensen considered calling Tom. He was as lonely as never before in his life, but he needed to withstand and force himself to quit craving the man who had humiliated and emotionally damaged him. If he crawled back he had never gotten away again.  
  
But damn, it was hard and Jensen was doubtful he could make it on his own.  
  
It took him almost a week and endless phone calls to former employers to retrieve copies of all his papers and certifications. Getting a new ID was more complicated though. They needed his birth certificate in order to issue a new ID. Which meant he had to call his parents.  
  
Turned out Jensen was a better liar than he first thought. He knew it was wrong to lie to his family, but he just couldn't tell them the truth, therefore he told them the same lie as he told the lady at the city hall, that his wallet had been stolen and "Yes mom, I'm okay. No, I wasn't robbed. No, I'm not hurt. Of course Tom is treating me good, stop doubting him." And this one really hurt to roll over his tongue. He wasn't ready to admit defeat and admit that they had always been right about the other man.  
  
Two dozen interviews and days of non-stopping morning sickness later and Jensen still couldn't find a job.  
  
"Still no luck?" Sandy asked him and Jensen was startled, didn't hear her entering the lounge at the motel where she offered him to use the internet for his job hunt.  
  
"No. Most companies seem to have a problem with hiring if you didn't work for a couple years. They say I need to get some more experience first. How am I supposed to do that without anyone giving me a chance first?" Jensen huffed. He was exhausted and fucking tired. The longer this all took the less his chances of getting hired would be. It wouldn't be long before he started showing and who wanted to hire a pregnant guy? No one.  
  
"Don’t give up just yet. You’ll find something." Sandy assured him with a gentle squeeze on his shoulder.  
  
"If it was that easy. I still don't know how I'm supposed to pay for the damn room and all the food you keep pushing down my throat." He frowned and he was embarrassed because Jensen hated to live out of someone else's pockets.  
  
"We'll worry about it when we get there. Until then you can help out in the kitchen. That should cover for the last three weeks." Sandy winked at him and motioned for him to follow her to the motel's kitchen.  
  
"What?" He was still sitting in the uncomfortable desk chair, gaping at her like a fish.  
  
"You heard me. Now get going."  
  
And he did. Sandy explained to him that their kitchen staff was a couple man short and they could really use the help. "Chris is our main chef, it's his kitchen, his sanctuary. Try touching his food and he'll castrate you." She offered Jensen her biggest smile but he was shocked and afraid even though he could tell that she was just messing with him.  
  
"Don't worry. Chris is a good guy, a decent and mellow cowboy with a hippie boyfriend, quite a pair I tell you that. He comes off harsh first, but he’s all schmoop and teddy on the inside. He’ll make sure you won’t work too much and if you get tired or you don't feel well just take a break, he’ll understand.” Sandy hooked her arm with Jensen’s and lead him to the staff room to get him some clothes for the kitchen while she kept babbling about the things he could do to help around the motel. It wasn't the kind of job Jensen wanted or even liked. Hell, he was a physical therapist… before Tom cajoled him into quitting. It seemed like he didn’t have much of a choice though, considering that nobody was going to hire him anytime soon and Sandy and her motel was most definitely better than living on the streets or even worse: going back to a man who would hurt him and his unborn child.  
  
"Why should I get tired? It's barely noon." Jensen tried for casual.  
  
"Well, because I'm not blind, for starters and because Jared told me."  
  
At the name Jensen's head snapped up. He had thought about the doctor way too often, his dumb dimples a constant image in his head but he didn't talk nor see the gigantor since he left the hospital.  
  
"So much for being confidential with a patient’s medicals." Jensen was tense and disappointed, and yet he should have known better, should have known that he couldn't trust anyone these days.  
  
"Jared only told me because he wanted me to make sure you'll eat enough and healthy. He's a doctor, after all."  
  
"Why would he care? It's not like he even knows me."  
  
"Apparently he thought you could use a little help and a friend or two won't hurt either. Besides, Jared's heart is bigger than his freaking head, so shoosh."  
  
And with that the conversation was over. Sandy handed him an apron and sent him over to Chris.  
  
Turned out Chris was in fact a really great guy and Jensen had found himself at ease around the other man. They barely talked though, Chris had tried to start a conversation a few times, but Jensen was afraid to give too much information about himself away, so he was reduced to shaking his head yes or no.  
  
Five hours later and his hands were raw from cleaning and scrubbing every pot and pan and even the tiniest corner in the kitchen. He was exhausted as hell but he still felt better, knowing that he at least did something to pay for his stay.  
  
With each passing day Jensen grew more accustomed to his new situation. Yes, _situation_. He wasn't ready to call it a life yet, wouldn't be for a long time.  
  
Around Sandy, Chris and the other motel employees he played cool, began to joke with them and included himself more in their ramblings. But it was nothing more than a mask, a face he put on to stave off their worried looks and pity.  
  
It worked perfectly fine and soon enough they believed him, believed he really was okay and no matter how much he hated it, he had to keep playing this game. Jensen worked hard and long hours, proving all of them that he was alright. Though, as soon as he retreated to his room his charade crumbled and he was left alone, crying over the mess that was his 'life'; and cursing the day he was born.  
  
Jensen didn't like lying to people who called themselves his friends but he also couldn't open up to them and let them see what a weakling he was. Nobody would understand him anyway, wouldn't be able to comprehend why anyone would miss or even love a person who would do him harm. Jensen only wanted to be held, wanted to share his pregnancy and he was longing for comfort whenever the nausea was draining him off his energy.  
  
Jensen slowly witnessed the changes in his body, his skin sensitive like never before, his nipples sore, emotions all over the place and when at four months his clothes were getting tight and his belly started to form into a tiny bump he couldn't stand it anymore. He loved his baby with all he had and would protect it for the rest of his life but the loneliness was wearing him out and he felt like dying; a part of him missing.  
  
That’s how he, in the middle of the night, found himself dialing a number he never wanted to remember, a number he thought he’d never call again, committing the biggest mistake in his life. But he didn’t know it yet, should’ve known, should’ve listened to his damn head.  
  
“..lo?!” A sleep ruffled voice greeted him and he swallowed hard before he built up enough courage to speak.  
  
“It’s me.” He simply stated.  
  
“Jenny? God, where the hell are you? I’ve been worried shitless.” There was so much concern in the other man’s voice that Jensen believed it and again he thought maybe he was the one who did wrong all this time.  
  
“I miss you, Tom.”  
  
“Miss you too. You never called and I didn’t know where you are. Where _are_ you, Jenny?”  
  
“I-I’m sorry, I’m at a motel.”  
  
“Come home, Jenny. Please come back to me, you know I love you.” Tom was pleading, his voice broken and the endearment caught Jensen off guard and twisted him in ways he couldn’t explain.  
  
“Tom, what about the baby? I want to, but you said…”  
  
“I shouldn’t have accused you of cheating, I know you wouldn’t do that. It’s our baby and I need you, both of you.”  
  
The next morning Jensen had lied to Sandy once again, telling her that he found an apartment and finally a new job. She was sweet and understanding, told him that she would love to still see him around every once in a while and that she and of course the others would miss him dearly. He felt terrible, but he knew once he would go back to Tom he wouldn’t come back to the motel. Tom wouldn’t want him to work, would probably not even like it if Jensen had people surrounding him who cared about him, who wanted to be friends with him.  
  
A couple hours later he knocked on Tom’s door, believing he was doing the right thing. Giving their unborn child a chance of having both parents and he kept telling himself it was better this way, everything would be okay. Tom and him would be okay.  
  
Tom had a mix of a smile and a smirk on his face, pulling Jensen against his chest and when the warmth of his body seeped through their clothing Jensen felt at home. This is what he had missed, the closeness and comfort.  
  
They had ended up cuddled together on the couch, talking for hours and sometime in the future Jensen would realize that not once did Tom actually apologize, but laying with Tom, having his strong arms around him was too soothing to think straight, the other man’s words of love and promises all Jensen could focus on.  
  
Everything seemed to be working out fine. Tom was as gentle as never before, giving Jensen space when he needed it, even accompanied him to his five months check up.  
  
Tom had kissed him like a starving man when they found out they're having a girl.  
  
Jensen knew it was time to let his family know, thought that maybe they’d finally believe him, even though he himself had his own doubts. His family had always loved him, wanted only his best, which was why they never approved of Tom in the first place… and which was also the reason that his parents told him to never call him again, unless he’s willing to grow a pair and leave Tom, if the life of their unborn grandchild would mean anything to him. He was devastated and shocked about their reaction and he did the only thing he thought was right, he hung up on his parents, promised himself to never call them again if they weren’t willing to accept his decisions.  
  
Tom and him shared a bed again since the day Jensen came back and as much as he enjoyed not being alone anymore, something felt wrong. Tom was empathetic when his hands rubbed soothingly over Jensen's chest, yet he never touched Jensen's baby bump; he looked at Jensen with lust and affection in his eyes, but never spared a glance at his rounded belly.  
  
Jensen realized that something was off with Tom, how difficult it seemed to be for the other man to smile at Jensen, how every word became more annoyed with every passing day.  
  
Not for the first time did Jensen search for clues what he could've done wrong and in the end he came up with nothing. Sure Jensen had held him at arm’s length, sexually, but he couldn't go further than trading handjobs and blow Tom every once in a while. He wanted to, the pregnancy hormones having him horny all the time, but even though he thought he had forgiven Tom, he didn't trust him enough, wasn't ready to take this one final step.  
  
And then there was something else bothering him, it made him nervous and kept him on edge. It only happened once and he wanted to cry, knew it was wrong and bordering on betrayal but when Tom had sucked him during a movie night, it wasn't Tom he saw when he closed his eyes. Long shaggy brown hair and dimples smiled up at him behind closed lids and he wondered why, after all these months, was that damn doctor still circling his brain like a moth the light.  
  
It didn’t take long for Jensen to retrieve back into the shy shell he used to hide in for such a long time. He was back to hanging to every word Tom said, making sure to avoid any conversation that might lead to an argument. Tom might not let his temper show, but deep down Jensen knew it was still there, waiting like a volcano to erupt. Jensen wanted this to work, wanted them to work, for their child to grow up in a happy home. He refused to doubt that they would end up fighting again, refused to believe Tom hadn’t changed.  
  
Tom was mostly engrossed in his work, coming home late, either because his job kept him for longer than planned or because he wanted to enjoy a night out with his buddies. Jensen didn’t dare to ask where he went or with whom.  
  
Jensen was a little over nine months along when the doctors gave him the bad news, told him his daughter had moved yet again and changed her position, therefore he was not going to deliver her the natural way, so they had to schedule a c-section for him. He was sad at first and no matter how afraid he was of the labor pains, he was still excited about it. But in the end it didn’t matter how his daughter would be born, as long as she was healthy.  
  
Two weeks later Tom had driven him to the hospital, yet Jensen was alone. There were no words of comfort or love, Tom was simply there, doing nothing to calm Jensen down, to ease his anxiety. The next morning at 7am a nurse came to his hospital room, asking him if he was ready to have that baby. Jensen nodded yes with a strained smile, while Tom was sitting in a chair next to his bed, typing an e-mail on his cell phone. Not even in this moment he was willing to let work be and support Jensen.  
  
“The doctor will be with you in a few minutes for your epidural.” The nurse informed him after she had checked his vitals and gave him one of those dreamy pills that would make you sleepy a little but wouldn’t knock you out cold. He was glad for them too, they calmed him down somewhat. It wouldn’t be long and he would finally meet his daughter and he wished so much that his inner happiness would show on his face and somehow reach Tom as well, but the other man was as far away as ever.  
  
Jensen just stared at Tom, while he was still busy with his fucking phone, and he wanted to scream at him, wanted to shake him and demand answers for his behavior, wanted to know why Jensen was so obviously not enough, their daughter not important enough to focus on what’s about to happen. But Jensen kept silent, a scene was the last he wanted to cause.  
  
A knock on the door dragged him out of his death glare and when he looked at the door his breath hitched, his hands shaking and body trembling. He only half registered Tom getting up from his chair, throwing this wicked smile at the man who just entered the room and Jensen knew exactly what that look meant. It had been years since Tom looked at him like this. In fact, this was the look he had given Jensen right before they ended up fucking like rabbits for the first time and in that moment he hated Tom, hated him with all he had. Tom walked towards the doctor, holding his hand out to greet him.  
  
“Hi. I’m Dr. Padalecki, I’m about to give Jensen his epidural.” Jared said while taking Tom’s offered hand, his eyes flickered between Jensen and Tom’s hand in his own. Jensen could see the quizzed expression on Tom’s face when Jared used Jensen’s first name. Jensen didn’t mind, at all. He actually enjoyed the raspy voice of the young doctor and how his name rolled off his tongue with so much energy.  
  
“Good, yeah. I’m Tom Welling.”  
  
Jared only nodded, pulled his hand back and focused solely on Jensen. Stupid fucking dimples, Jensen thought when Jared stood next to his bed, patting his forearm lightly, smiling like he ate the freaking sun for breakfast. His arm was tingling, this light and gentle touch sending bolts of electricity through his body and the warmth of Jared’s long fingers had his head spinning.  
  
“Hey, big day today, huh. How’ve you been? You feeling alright?”  
  
There Jared was again, being all caring and perfect, while Tom just stood there baffled and Jensen could practically see how the other man wondered if Jensen knew the doctor.  
  
“Nervous and… and scared.”  
  
“Well, you’ve got every right to be nervous. You’re in good hands though, I promise. Listen Jensen, the epidural is gonna hurt a little at first, but as soon as it kicks in you’ll be numb from the navel down. Which is a long way, seeing how big you’ve gotten since I’ve last seen you.” Jared tilted his head to Jensen’s huge bump, eyebrows raised, but beaming smile perfectly in place.  
  
“Uhm, sorry to interrupt but do you guys know each other?” Tom’s voice chirped in from the background and Jensen craned his neck to look behind Jared where he could not only hear but then clearly see the clench of Tom’s jaw, hands balled into fists and eyes filled with jealousy.  
  
Jensen started shaking, afraid of saying anything wrong and the doctor had probably noticed the tension creeping up in him. He looked at Jensen confused then turned around and immediately let go of Jensen’s forearm when he saw the furious look in Tom’s eyes.  
  
“Jensen’s been my patient in the past.” Jared answered with confidence in his voice and Jensen was glad that he himself didn’t have to answer, because he wasn’t sure if he could form any words at this moment. Jensen kept his eyes steady on Tom, afraid and sure he would snap any second, his nostrils flaring and Jensen didn’t realize what he was doing with his hand until Jared turned back around to look at him, his eyes travelling down to where Jensen’s hand was carefully tugging on the doctor’s lab coat. Scared that Tom might have seen what he did, he pulled his hand back, his teeth digging deep into his bottom lip.  
  
“Mr. Welling if you don’t mind leaving the room for just a moment, I’d like to set the epidural now.”  
  
“No, it’s okay, I’d like to stay with my _boyfriend_.” Jensen was aware of the undertone in Tom’s voice, making it clear whom Jensen belonged to.  
  
“I’m just following protocol, Mr. Welling. If Jensen wants you to stay then fine.” Jared locked eyes with Jensen again and it seemed like he was looking for something, and it was not only an answer what he was searching for. There was more behind that look, understanding and so much worry.  
  
“Why wouldn’t he be? It’s our baby and I’m going to stand put and be with him every step of the way.” Tom spat and Jensen wanted nothing more than to snort and roll his eyes at this statement. Because Tom hadn’t supported him at all during the pregnancy. It was Jensen who prepared the nursery, who bought all the necessary furniture and clothing and not once did Tom spare a minute to ask how Jensen was feeling.  
  
Jensen saw right through the doctor, how he processed this information and then it all clicked and he remembered when he had last seen Jared he had told him that it was Tom, his baby’s father, who had put him in the hospital all these months ago. The shocked expression on Jared’s face was hard to ignore and Jensen had to squeeze his eyes shut for a moment. He was embarrassed, ashamed. Ashamed of being with this man again, ashamed of being weak.  
  
Jensen prayed that Tom didn't see his distress, just like he never noticed Jensen in the first place, unless another human being was paying attention to Jensen’s needs.  
  
This was supposed to be the best day of Jensen's life, he was just under an hour short of giving birth to his first child and Tom should be with him, body and soul. Or just hold his hand, for crying out loud. But instead Tom was being a jealous asshole.  
  
Another part of him wanted Tom to leave, his presence only causing trouble and Jensen was about to start crying. Not for the first time he regretted going back, allowing Tom back in his life, but this moment, this day was so very unfitting for such a realization.  
  
"It's okay, Jared. Let's get this epidural over with, I'm ready to have this baby."  
  
Jared nodded at him, his eyes soft and yet surprised and for some weird and unexplainable reason Jensen knew why he was been giving this look. It was the first time Jensen had addressed the doctor by his first name as well. Jensen smiled in return and Jared seemed to understand.  
  
"Alright Jensen, you gotta sit up, your legs over the edge of the bed and bend your back forward as far as you can."  
  
Jared took Jensen's hand in his to pull him into the required position and he didn't want to let go of the doctor's hand. It felt so right in his own hand and fitted perfectly.  
  
"What I'm going to do is I'll first daze the spot where the ep will be injected, to make it less painful and more bearable. It'll sting a little, but under no circumstances should you move. Not even inch. You ready?"  
  
"Mhm."  
  
Jared untied the strings of Jensen's hospital gown, his knuckles brushing against Jensen's heated skin and he had to hold his breath or he'd pop a boner right there... with his boyfriend right next to them.  
  
It was annoying and aggravating how strongly his body reacted to Jared and he didn’t even know why. The guy didn’t give Jensen indications of being anything but a doctor who obviously loved his job and cared a lot about his patients. For some reason Jensen felt safe when he was around him though, he felt protected. It made no sense whatsoever. Jensen was supposed to love Tom, but he had been a neglecting and abusive bastard and it was hard for Jensen to see past this. He knew he had to pull himself together. Tom had changed, would change, they were about to have a baby together. Yes, Tom would change and then whatever it was that wa drawing him to Jared would be forgotten.   
  
“Okay, Jensen. Hold still now.” Jared instructed and when he put one of his damn big paws on Jensen’s hip to hold him steady Jensen shivered all over.  
  
“Hey now, it’s gonna be fine.” Jared tried to calm him down, but little did the doctor know that it wasn’t the needle or the imminent c-section that had Jensen on edge. And because of this missing piece of information Jared’s thumb stroked leisurely over Jensen’s hip. And God, this was even worse.  
  
“You know what, we’ll postpone the epidural for a few minutes. Let me just go and call OR.” Jared said in a calm and pleasant voice. He squeezed Jensen’s shoulder before he left the room and Jensen didn’t want him to leave, didn’t want to be left alone with Tom.  
  
“What the fuck’s going on here Jensen?” Tom snarled as soon as Jared had left the room. Jensen jumped in surprise, didn’t see him approaching and fuck, he couldn’t stand having Tom so close.  
  
“I-I’m just scared.” Jensen stuttered.  
  
“Bullshit. What’s with you and that Pada-whatever guy?” Of course Tom saw right through him, but there wasn’t much to see, was there?  
  
“N-Nothing. There is nothing.”  
  
All of a sudden Tom was way too close to him, his hand having a tight grip on Jensen’s bicep and it stung, the pain of his blunt nails digging through his skin shooting through his already nervous system.  
  
“I swear to God, if you’re lying to me we’ll have one hell of a talk after we leave this damn place.” Tom hissed at him and Jensen flinched at the threat.  
  
“Everything okay in here?”  
  
Jensen didn’t hear the nurse coming in, but he was relived altogether.  
  
“Mr. Welling? I’m supposed to bring you these scrubs and head to the OR with you, if you still want to be with Mr. Ackles during the c-section.”  
  
Tom all but ripped the clothes out of her hands before he turned back to Jensen again and when he leaned down to whisper in Jensen’s ear that they were not done and this conversation not over, Jensen’s blood went cold.  
  
A few minutes passed after Tom left with the nurse and Jensen couldn’t hold his tears in any longer. He didn’t want to cry, not on this day, not because he was in pain or in fear. He knew he didn’t do anything wrong, didn’t say anything to set Tom off, but he had freaked out on Jensen anyway.  
  
“Jensen?” Jared’s voice appeared from behind him and when Jensen turned to look at him Jared’s smile faltered into a frown, his head shaking in disapproval.  
  
“Hormones. S-Sorry.” Jensen hoped the excuse for his girly behavior would work.  
  
“We both know that’s a lie.” Jared walked around the bed and without asking or any understanding of personal space he plopped down next to him on the bed. “Here, put this on your arm before it starts bruising.” Jared said and placed a cooling pad in Jensen’s hand and he looked at the doctor confused.  
  
“I’m not stupid, you know? I saw how uncomfortable you were so I made sure he gets send to the OR a little early, thought you might need a little break. The nurse witnessed his little outburst, too.”  
  
Jensen didn’t know what to say or if he should say anything at all, because in the end he was the one who had to go home with Tom and there would be no Dr. Padalecki to play knight in shining armor, or lab coat in this case. So Jensen did all he could do, he nodded, in hope Jared would understand it as the thank you that it was supposed to be.  
  
“You know, I have to admit I was a little disappointed to hear that you left the motel. After you were released from the hospital I wanted to stop by and see if you were settling in alright, but my old man needed some help in his practice, down in Texas. Anyway, when I came back you were gone.”  
  
Jensen was definitely lost for words, even nodding his head seemed troublesome now, because he couldn’t quite believe that the doctor had actually thought about him, wanted to see him. No, he should rephrase that, the doctor was only caring for one of his many patients. Nothing more, but maybe less.  
  
“My offer still stands, Jensen. If you need help, if you need a friend…”  
  
“Why do you even care?” Jensen heard himself saying and he felt guilty of how mean and hateful he actually sounded.  
  
“Because you’re a good person and you don’t deserve this. You didn’t deserve what he did to you all these months ago. It’s still none of my business, I get that, but I want you to be happy. For yourself and your daughter. Someday you’ll understand that you don’t have to suffer through abuse for happiness to find you.”  
  
Jensen still didn’t say anything to Jared, he just listened and tried to let the words sink in. He knew all that, knew what Tom did was wrong and Jensen should’ve left, should’ve stayed away. But why wouldn’t Jared understand that Jensen was nothing but a pathetic loser, too weak to fight for his own sake?!  
  
They sat next to each other in uncomfortable silence until Jared stood up and prepared everything for the epidural, again.  
  
Jared put on a pair of rubber gloves and disinfected Jensen’s back before he grabbed the first needle. He was very careful and gentle, spoke to Jensen during the whole procedure, calming his nerves and Jensen was sure it was Jared’s voice alone that kept him at bay, relaxed him. The first needle hurt somewhat, but it could’ve been worse and Jensen didn’t even feel the actual epidural being injected into his back.  
  
“In a few seconds your feet will probably start itching and tingling, which is normal and soon after you won’t feel your legs anymore. Don’t lay down just yet though, most patients become dizzy and tend to pass out from the sudden inertia of their limbs.” Jared explained with his calm and professional voice.  
  
A couple minutes passed before Jared moved around the bed and took Jensen’s hand in his own to guide him back into the bed. Jensen wanted to pull his hand away and tell him that he was able to lay down on his own, but closed his mouth before he could say anything because yeah, he couldn’t lay down on his own, his legs were totally numb and no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t move them, couldn’t even feel them.  
  
Jared kneeled down in front of him and took both of Jensen’s ankles in his hands to lift them up and on the mattress. From the table next to the bed Jared took two different spray bottles and told Jensen he would test if the epidural was set right and working. He sprayed with the first bottle and Jensen shook his head ‘no’ when Jared asked if he could feel this on his feet and legs. Same with the second bottle. Jared explained that this was ice and hot water, not hot enough to burn, but good enough to test for reflexes and contractions of his nerves.  
  
“I’m going to pinch you now.” Jared stated with a smirk and Jensen’s eyes shot open, not sure what that was supposed to mean. “Hey, don’t look at me like that, I’m not a butcher, just wanna make sure your legs are out cold.”  
  
Jared not only pinched almost every inch of Jensen’s legs, no, he also poked him with a needle in his feet. Jensen watched the whole show and wanted to pull his feet away, but he didn’t even know why, because he couldn’t feel anything. And even if he did feel something, his legs wouldn’t listen to him.  
  
“Could you lift your prom dress up and above your belly, please?” The doctor smiled and Jensen just glared at him for the lame joke, but Jensen did as he was told. He didn’t like it one bit, to be exposed like this. Sure, Jared had seen so many more and very intimated parts of him before, but back then he wasn’t conscious and now he was aware and afraid of his body reacting inappropriate to Jared’s touch. But since everything from his navel down was supposed to be out cold he guessed his dick would get the memo too and stay the hell down as well.  
  
“What I’m going to do now is I’ll try to get your little princess to wake up. It won’t hurt her, she’s as safe as she could possibly be in there. During a normal delivery the babies are working with their birth parent. You’d think it’s only the mother or father pushing to get them out, no, it’s hard work for the babies as well. In the case of a c-section they are forced out of the womb and they won’t know what hit them. Means they’ll be shocked when they’re suddenly pulled out of the warmth and comfort, their heart rate speeds up and their pulse is on edge. To prevent this from happening we always wake ‘em up by carefully pushing at the belly.”  
  
Jensen nodded in approval and he had to admit that he had no clue about all this. The birthing classes he attended didn’t focus on this part too much and he didn’t go that often anyway, since he always had to be home to prepare dinner for Tom on time, if he came home that was.  
  
He wished he could feel what Jared was doing, wished he could feel the doctor’s hands on his belly. God, this was so wrong, but it was the first time that someone else was touching his big belly, looking at it with glee and adoration. It was sad to see how much an actual stranger cared for the safety and well-being of his unborn child, something the baby’s other father should be doing. If Jensen was honest with himself he wouldn’t have it any other way though.  
  
“Now look at that, the young lady is all kicking.”  
  
“What?” Jensen lifted himself up on his elbows to look at his huge stomach. He could see his daughter moving, feet and hands, or butt, you could never be sure, all poking and fighting back. But Jensen didn’t feel it and he already missed it. Knew that he’d never feel her kicking inside of him again. Jensen might not feel Jared’s hand on his naked skin, but seeing it alone was enough to have his pulse picking up a fraction.  
  
A hoarse sigh of relief left his throat when Jared declared him ready. He couldn’t stand this whole touching anymore, it was getting too much. It made him nervous and no matter how right it might have felt, he knew it was wrong. Jared was only doing his job, Jensen knew that much but it didn’t change the fact that he was feeling… _something_.  
  
Before Jensen realized what was happening to him, he felt Tom’s hand wrapped around one of his own, the touch burning like fire, he wanted nothing more than for Tom to be gone and out of his life. But all of a sudden all thoughts left his brain when he felt his body being moved and shaken, doctors talking in the background, nurses running around with towels and checking all the machines that surrounded him. Jensen was too drowsy to make out the words that were spoken, the things that were done but he knew they were doing something to him. There was no pain, none at all, but he could still feel his insides being moved around and pulled at. When he tried to lift his head to see, someone from behind carefully pushed him back down by his shoulders, whispering to him that everything was fine and they’re almost done, but he could try to get up as much as he wanted, he wouldn’t see anything anyway, a curtain above his stomach blocking his view.  
  
Short moments later he heard one of the doctors speak, telling the nurse to get ready, that he’d grab shoulders now. Jensen had no idea what was going on or what they were talking about but when he felt as if a freaking canyon had been pulled out of his stomach he kind of came to and realized this was it, he just gave birth. But it was too quiet, no one spoke a word and it seemed like the world stopped moving until a loud shriek followed by a long and very loud cry filled the air.  
  
Jensen tried again to look up and this time one of the doctors peaked over the curtain, a bundle of pink and lots of hair in his hand. “Congratulations Mr. Ackles, you’ve got one very healthy and beautiful little girl here. And loud too.” The surgeon said with a huge smile on his face and Jensen couldn’t hold back his tears anymore. Maybe the day was still going to be the best day of his life.  
  
Back in his room Jensen felt like he had worked forty eight hours straight, his body drained and exhausted, the pain from the c-section only bearable because of some heavy painkillers and the most gorgeous baby girl he had ever seen laying right next to him in her own little bed.  
  
Naming her shadowed his happiness a little, because he had picked out a name for her long before he even knew if she was going to be a girl. Tom wanted a different name, but Jensen wouldn’t have any of it. The verbal fight that followed was inevitable. Jensen had never stood up for himself when it came to Tom, but this time he wouldn’t give in, wouldn’t let Tom have the last word and he told him just as much. He had always sworn that whenever he would have a child he would name it after either one of his grandparents.  
  
The nurse with the needed forms to make the name official looked at him again, her face still showing signs of embarrassment over their dispute, asked him if he made his decision. Tom glared daggers at him, but Jensen only smiled, his eyes never leaving his daughter when he finally answered.  
  
“Lillian. Her name’s Lillian Ackles.”

(*)

He kindly ignored the annoyed scoff coming from Tom. Jensen was in for a fight, he knew that much, knew hell would rise soon, but this was a subject Tom could argue about as much as he wanted. They’re not married and by law Jensen had the right to name her whatever he wanted. There was nothing Tom could do about it, but Tom would try. He would try and break Jensen, probably for good this time. 

"Do you have kids?" Jensen blurted out and swallowed hard, unsure if he was allowed to ask. And he knew he should've kept his mouth shut, because when the question hit Jared his dimples were gone, the beaming smile turned into a sad frown. Jensen had probably crossed a line.  
  
"I, uh... no, I don't."  
  
It almost looked like Jared wanted to tell him more but it was Tom who broke the moment as he came back with a cup of hot coffee in his hand.  
  
"I better get going, you guys enjoy the quiet while it lasts." Jared's eyes never left Jensen's, even when talking to the both of them. Jensen was mesmerized by the way Jared looked at him and he was drawn even more to the doctor, wanted to know more about him but he had to snap out of it, had to focus on Tom, before shit would hit the fan.  
  
Jared had come to see him and Lillian every day in their quiet and somewhat secluded hospital room, but usually never when Tom was around. Jensen didn't know if it was coincidence or if Jared did it on purpose. Either way, Jensen was glad for it. Even enjoyed Jared's company and undivided attention.  
  
  
*  
  
It was Jensen's last day at the hospital and Tom had just left to get to work when Jensen, again, questioned his sanity and judgment.  
  
He was sitting on the bed, Lillian bundled up on his chest and whenever he tried to lay her down she started wailing again.  
  
Jared entered with a knock and an amused smile on his lips.  
  
"You're a God's sent. Could you, I mean, is it okay if you hold her for a second? I just need to use the bathroom. She won’t stop crying unless I hold her.”  
  
The other man looked at Jensen a little surprised and taken aback by this request and Jensen wondered if he shouldn’t have asked, if this was not in Jared’s job description or if maybe Jensen had interpreted too much into their short conversations during the last six days since Lillian was born. But after a second or two Jared nodded at him and whispered a broken “s-sure”.  
  
Jensen handed his daughter over and when their hands brushed against the other’s he wanted nothing more than to stay like this, to let Jared’s warmth spread further over his own skin, but his bladder gave him no choice than to let go.  
  
He hurried to finish, washed his hands and slowly wobbled back to the room. His body was still sore, the stitches giving him a difficult time to move and even sitting down was painful. The scar, a little over four inches long, would give him hell for the next few weeks, so Jared and the other doctors had told him. The pain was terrible but so freaking worth it.  
  
When he entered the room again Jared was standing by the window, the early sun casting a vivid mix of red and orange over his strong jaw, his lips curled up in delight as he cradled Lillian in his firm arms and all oxygen was ripped out of Jensen’s lungs. Jared looked at Lillian as if she was the most amazing little thing on earth and all Jensen wished for was that maybe someday Tom would look at their daughter this way. First Jensen had to figure out if it actually was what he wanted, seeing Tom with Lillian like this.  
  
Most surprising, though, was the fact that his little baby girl obviously enjoyed Jared’s company, since this was the first time she didn’t cry when someone other than Jensen would hold her. Not even Tom was able to calm her down, but it seemed like Jared’s wariness wasn’t only working on Jensen.  
  
“Guess she really likes you.” Jensen said matter of factly, announcing his presence.  
  
“Oh, hey. Didn’t hear you.” Jared answered sheepishly and Jensen’s chest was all of a sudden very tight. Unbelievable how this ginormours guy could be breathtakingly handsome, frightening strong and cheesily adorable at the same time. And no, Jensen did not just think that the guy was handsome. He didn’t, wouldn’t.  
  
Yes, Jensen was in a lot of trouble.  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (*)Permission to use this picture will not be given under any circumstances. You are welcome to return to my LJ if you feel the need to look at it, but other than that I do not want this picture to be shared or posted by anyone but me. The picture shows my own daughter 24hrs after she was born.


	4. Chapter 4

**Four years later**  


Jared yawned, loudly, stretching his limbs as far as they could possibly go without breaking. If this had been any normal morning he would have turned around for another five minutes and give his body the needed rest after a double shift at the hospital. But no, not today. Today was one of those days that always began happy, turning into amazing around noon, turning incredible in the afternoon... turning sad at night.

He rubbed his sleep covered eyes, shaking his head lightly. Don't drag yourself down just yet, he thought. A sideways glance to the pink Disney alarm clock on the bedside table formed a smile on his face. Two more minutes and the alarm was going off. Jared shimmied his overgrown legs over the edge of the bed to sit up and looked at the four Disney princesses smiling at him.

At the 3 o'clock mark, Belle danced with the Best, her love and affection for the furry creature so very clear, even on a tiny picture like this. But Jared had seen the movie a few times to know her face lightened up when she danced with the Beast. At 6 o'clock, Snow White kissed one of the dwarves. 9 o'clock showed Cinderella rushing down the steps and at 12 o'clock Ariel pushed her tiny body over a rock, perfect white cartoon teeth in place.  
  
"Wakey wakey uncle Jay'ed. Time to get up s'eepy head. B'ush your teeth and combs your hair." Lilly's cheerful and enthusiastic voice chirped through what were probably the world's tiniest speaker on the alarm clock.  
  
For his thirtieth birthday Lilly wanted to give him something special, had asked Jared what he wished for the most so she could raid her piggy bank and run to the store with her daddy.  
  
Jared had hugged her tight to his chest, kissing the top of her head and told her that he'd be happy with anything if it came from her. Well, what else was he supposed to say? What he wished for the most and what he still wished for, more than anything in this world couldn't be bought with all the money in the world.  
  
So here he was, waking up every day with Lilly's sweet little voice sing-songing through the alarm clock.  
  
All his friends fell in a fit of laughter and awe over the gift and when Lilly had fallen asleep on the couch Jensen told him to just put it on his nightstand when Lilly was around to prove that he actually liked it.  
  
The girl was sneaky and had the memory of an elephant. Jared was sure she would never forget of ever giving him her personalized birthday gift. And it wasn't like he ever intended on _not_ placing the alarm on his bedside for the rest of his life.  
  
Jared loved the little girl, loved her with all he had and never in the past years was he able to say no to her. Wouldn't ever be. Her huge and piercing blue eyes wrapping him around her tiny fingers in a heartbeat.

Today was going to be one of those days where he would do whatever she asked for and he was definitely looking forward to it. Jensen called him a few days prior, asked if Jared would mind sitting Lilly in the morning already, since daycare would be closed and there was no way for him to get the day off. Jared said yes before Jensen had a chance to finish his explanation for his request. Jared was supposed to watch Lilly anyway, actually not before the late afternoon when Jensen had yet another session with his psychiatrist. He wanted to get some paperwork done, check in on a few patients, but he had many colleagues who were able to fill in for him just fine. Jared had called the hospital, organized and switched shifts so he could get the whole day off. Jensen was none the wiser of the things Jared pulled yet again to spend time with Lilly.

Over the past four years he watched Lilly at least once a week and whenever else Jensen needed to work longer hours. Today though Jensen would be going to one of his monthly appointments with his shrink. the other man was always drained and deeply depressed after those sessions, his usual bright and beautiful eyes all red and puffy from crying his mental pain out. After the third of those exhausting appointments Jared insisted on watching Lilly for the the whole night and, whenever Jensen felt better and ready to face the outside world again, he could come pick her up the next day.

Jared didn't know what exactly Jensen and his therapists discussed, of course he knew that the main subject would be Jensen's past with Tom, but the details were still unknown to him. Jared was sure it would break his heart to know the whole truth. Break his heart further than it already was.  
  
_Four years ago Jared had said goodbye to Jensen at the hospital, shortly before Tom had picked him and their daughter up. Jared didn't care if it was inappropriate or not but he couldn't help himself, he wrapped Jensen up in his arms and hugged him, almost crushed him in the act. But something told him that this was either the last time he'd see the older man alive or at least in a physical healthy condition. The thought alone had shattered him. The memory of his little sister a constant reminder of how badly a relationship like Jensen's and Tom's could end. But there was more than the need to protect him, more than doing his job to save a life. He couldn't save his sister, a young woman with her whole life ahead of her, died because she refused to ask for help, refused to admit that her young marriage was excruciating and her small body could only handle that much agony. The last and fatal kick to her ribs had one of the bones pierce her lungs. She fought for almost two weeks in the hospital until her lungs finally collapsed and there was nothing the best doctor in the world could have done for her. Her body too tired, too weak to pull through._  
  
_When Jensen was admitted to the hospital by the truck driver who had found him Jared was already on his way to his car, ready to have a beer or two after too much work and yet another guy he had to dump a couple weeks prior because they were never what Jared wanted, never looking for the things in a relationship Jared longing for._  
  
_He was called back to the emergency room before he could reach his old beat up Jeep and he hurried inside and was caught off guard when pleading green eyes stared up at him, begging him to say that his baby was okay. Immediately Jared yelled at the other doctor and nurses, demanded to know where the baby was, if it was brought in with the man. "Sir, how old is your baby?" Jared had asked, looking straight into sad green orbs and then a movement of the patient's hand caught his attention. The man held his belly, begging Jared again to look after his baby. In a matter of seconds Jared's brain started to function again, shooting out orders to get the guy into the sonogram room as fast as possible._  
  
_At first Jared thought the guy was maybe robbed, but it was a cool evening, nobody would run around in only shorts and a shirt. A homeless person might, but then again the shorts were an expensive brand, even on sale they'd gone for at least a hundred dollars, same fit for the shirt. Underneath the faint smell of sweat and the coppery smell of blood was the scent of sharp and fancy aftershave. The man was definitely not homeless. And that was when all alarms in Jared's head went off._  
  
_Chad had told him to let it go, to quit comparing everybody and everyone's relationship to his sister's but Jared trusted his gut, knew that his patient was neither robbed nor attacked by a stranger. Two days Jared had walked in and out of Jensen's room, doing a job he knew the nurses would do just fine on their own. But he couldn't get the man's teary eyes out of his mind, the fear and pain so clearly visible. During one of his visits he heard Jensen mumble in his sleep, broken cries, asking to be let go and something that sounded like a name, but Jared didn't quite catch it. Though, it was enough evidence to prove Jared's speculation._  
  
_Jared couldn't stay away, even after Jensen had woken up. He was constantly searching out the man who had been so close of losing not only his baby but also his own life. The brutal rape his patient had endured was a close call and the enormous amount of blood loss could’ve easily killed him if he would’ve been found only hours later. The older man was snippy and pissed off whenever someone tried to talk to him, which didn't stop Jared to look after the guy though._  
  
_Jared knew that there was something about his patient that pulled him to Jensen like a magnet and Jared caught himself staring at him more often than he'd ever dare to admit. It was stupid, that's what it was and after Chad scolded him for crushing on the guy Jared felt guilty, guilty for being attracted to a guy who had been through hell, a very handsome - okay, beautiful - guy. Beautiful and pregnant. But hey, at least he tried to hide his teenage-like crushing after he realized that Chad was probably right. He couldn't hide his blush though, or his awkward attempts of not stuttering and whenever his patient was getting a dose of asshole-attitude again Jared would improve his smile. Yeah, Jensen was utterly adorable and so far out of Jared's reach._  
  
_Seeing Jensen again after all those months Jared had spent in Texas, all big and showing, more beautiful than ever before was doing Jared's libido no good. The worst part about seeing the older man again was to witness the shame in Jensen's eyes. Jared didn't need words to understand what was still going on in Jensen's relationship. He knew all along that one day Jensen would return to his boyfriend, knew the other man would make the same mistake his sister did, that's why he wasn't surprised to find the bastard in Jensen's room._  
  
_It was difficult to let Jensen go, again. Not that Jared ever had a chance with him in the first place, no, what hurt the most was seeing him being walked out by a guy who would never appreciate Jensen, who would most definitely hurt him again. A guy who didn't even deserve to have an amazing guy like Jensen at his side, a man who had given this Welling guy the greatest gift of mankind._  
  
_A gift that showed Jared how much jealousy was hidden inside of him._  
  
_When Jared was asked to hold little Lillian for the first time he hesitated. Stay away, put some distance between Jensen's family and you! His brain was shouting at him but his heart rate had sped up at the trusting look on Jensen's face and he was a goner. This was all he ever wanted and all he would never have. He would never have what Welling had and this stupid asshole didn't even realize what he put in jeopardy._  
  
_God, Jared was ready to everything and anything to someday have a family of his own, to find a guy who was willing to settle with him, start a family; white picket fence and all those happily ever after things._

_Six months went by without a word from Jensen, but Jared knew, or assumed, that the older man wasn’t doing well and he prayed every day that Jensen and his daughter would be safe, that Welling wouldn’t touch either one of them. Many nights he lay awake, staring holes in his bedroom ceiling, wondering if he should just show up on their doorstep and see for himself how Jensen was doing. It wouldn’t have been a problem to find him, the man’s address was listed in his medical file. Eventually Jared gave up on this stupid and dangerous idea. Who knew what Welling would do to Jensen afterwards, because Jared wasn’t blind, wasn’t an idiot, he saw how jealous and furious the guy had been when Jared greeted Jensen in the hospital on the day of their daughter’s birth._

_When it came to dating Jared's track record was as high as Einstein's IQ. He's not a man whore, mind you. He just liked to date and the most he allowed was a goodnight kiss at the other guy's doorstep. He wouldn't jump in bed with someone before they went on at least three or four dates... too bad it barely ever got that far. As soon as he said he's not interested in a quick fuck and would rather have something serious almost all his dates ran like the wind. It was depressing and for a long time he questioned himself and his wish to be just a little like his dad; a caring and loving father with a wife he'd die for. His parents were practically picture perfect and while other families tend to break apart and end up bitter when they lose a child, his parent's love for one another grew even stronger; deeper. Their love something so solid that after more than thirty years of marriage they still giggled like teenagers when his dad puckered his lips to smooch his mother's cheek._

_This was what Jared always wanted, to find a man he'd still love like crazy even when they were old and grey, when their eyesight got so bad they accidently reached for the wrong set of dentures, to wait at the bathroom door in the middle of the night until it was his turn to empty his bladder because they both couldn't make it through the night without having to pee every other hour. He's looking forward to have all his kids show up on holidays, when the air was filled with the delicious smell of roasted turkey and laughter of all the grandkids._  
  
_Jared knew all along that his special someone was out there somewhere. The fucker was just hiding very well. Who'd have thought his soul mate would be a ninja. No matter how many dates he went on or how many different guys he spent those dates with it never clicked. He even googled 'what does it feel like when you meet your soulmate for the first time?' He had clicked on the first link that popped up and the five points that were explained had been branded into his skull and whenever he was on a date he mentally run the list over... it never came to a match. People would probably laugh at him, think it was silly but Jared wouldn't give up that easy._  
  
_When Chad and Jared entered Jensen's hospital room to find the patient awake and confused there was this pang in his chest, his brain short wired and his knees as stiff as jello. How was this possible? It shouldn't be his patient, not like this. Why a man who's with someone else? Fairness is a bitch and could kiss his ass anytime._  
  
_With each passing day he was going through the Google result again and again... and again, in his head of course. It wasn't like he could just confront his patient with all the weirdness that happened inside his head._  
  
_Point number one on how do you know you've probably met your soul mate: **Decide if you are fully comfortable and relaxed with this person, as if you've known him/her for a long time.**_  
  
_Nervous as fuck counts as comfortable and relaxed, right?_  
  
_When Jared realized that he checked on Jensen more often than really necessary point number two was ringing in his ears: **Soulmates don't wait 3 days before calling after a first date.**_  
  
_Not that they went out on a date or anything similar appealing but Jared's heart fluttered in his chest in anticipation to just get lost in those silly green eyes again. It was the same excitement someone got before they go on a first date._

 _Then there was point number three and four. Jared felt it when Jensen asked him to hold Lillian for the first time. First his brain said to stay away but Jared was listening to his heart and point number three: **Feel a deep connection with this person from the very beginning** ; point number four: **Find out about their life values.**_  
  
_Why it happened when he was holding a little baby girl that was so obviously not his' was beyond his understanding. But it must meant, well... something._  
  
_Jared wanted a partner who was ready to settle down and start a family and there Jensen was, giving birth; settled down... yet with the wrong man. Jared wouldn't interfere no matter how many times his heart skipped a beat when he was all but looking at Jensen._  
  
_Last but not least, point number five hit him like a freaking Mack truck: **When you make love, it is deeply sensual, as well as extremely passionate and satisfying.**_  
  
_Yeah okay, it was a one-sided love making, but still. It happened in the second night after Welling had taken Jensen and Lillian home. He had come home after a stressful day at work and after a long and hot shower to loosen the tension in his bones he collapsed on the bed, but long lashes and stunning green eyes with little lines around them were staring right into his soul. His hand never found the way to his dick that fast before. And never did he come so hard and long, not with anyone he ever shared a bed with, much less by his own hand._  
  
_Afterwards he felt guilty, it was wrong but he had no control over his own actions anymore when it came to Jensen._

_***_

_It was just one of those lazy and somewhat cozy evenings spent in the company of two wonderful refreshing bottles of beer. One already empty and sitting on the table, waiting to be thrown away, the other one half empty and in a lose grip in his hand and one thing Jared had known for sure, there were still more bottles waiting for him in the fridge. He didn’t drink often, unless his heart cried for something, or rather someone, he couldn’t ever have, but this day had sucked so much major balls he needed the little helper to maybe find at least a few hours of sleep. Two people had lost their lives under his care that day. A robbery at a gas station gone wrong and not only the owner of the gas station, but also his teenage son were shot and died hours later on Jared’s table. It wasn’t the first time that one of his patients died, but never before had it been under such brutal and useless circumstances. He could sympathize with the family that was left behind and his heart ached for them, for the mother and wife._

_After he emptied the third bottle as well the buzz in his bones dragged him further into the couch, sleep slowly coming to him, the TV flickering on mute in front of him and he only listened to the rain crashing against his windows. Perfect weather for such a craptastic day he thought._

_It was probably hours later, Jared wasn’t sure, everything since he left the hospital was kind of a blur to him, when his door bell was ringing steadily. He cursed and mumbled, shouting at the door to shut up because he needsedhis damn sleep. But it just wouldn’t stop and eventually he got up, knocking two of the empty beer bottles from the table as he went. Another string of curses later his feet finally found their way to the hallway and when he opened the door the sight in front of him sobered him up within less than two seconds._

_Jared only needed one look to see why Jensen was standing at his door in the middle of the night, his raincoat clung to him like a second skin, his whole body soaked from the rain, but the worst was the physical condition he was in. Jensen’s face was covered in bruises of various different colors; from an already healing yellow to only a couple hours old dark red._

_“I’m going to murder this son of a bitch!” Jared hissed, his teeth gritted and jaw clenched. Jensen flinched, his whole body jerking a step backwards with Jared’s justified outburst. Jared eyed Jensen up and down, a backpack clung to his shoulder and his arms were wrapped around his torso. Jared looked past Jensen, searching for a car or anything that would indicate of the older man not being there by himself. But he saw nothing and as drenched as Jensen was he probably walked all the way to Jared’s house._

_“Jensen. Where is Lillian?” The other man didn’t answer, his head hung low, chin almost touching his chest, eyes full of tears and body shaking in something that could only be fear._

_“Jensen! Where's your baby? Your daughter, man, tell me you didn’t leave her with him?” The rise of Jared’s voice made Jensen shy away even further but then relief washed over Jared when a muffled little cry filled the air. Jensen opened his coat further to reveal the little baby girl. She looked as dry as she could be, Jensen’s coat enough protection for her little body to not get hit by the rain._

_“Jesus Christ, thank God.” Jared ran a hand through his hair and let out a loud sigh. He knew he would have gone berserk, would’ve driven to Welling himself to get Lillian out of his reach._

_“Damn, you need to get inside. Gimme the little one.” Jared said with his hands already reaching for Lillian and Jensen let him. Jared held her gently against his warm shirt-clad chest, rocking her slowly to calm her down and ease her cries while Jensen stood in the hallway awkwardly, not knowing what to do or what to say._

_“I couldn’t… I didn’t know where else to go.” Jensen whispered._

_"No, it's good that you're here."_  
  
_Jensen nodded nervously at him while he tried to hold his tears back._  
  
_"You gotta get out of those wet clothes, man. You're freezing." Jared was still rocking Lillian in one arm and with his other hand he helped Jensen take the backpack off his shoulders and it seemed like the bruises on Jensen's face weren't his only injuries. The older man had trouble getting out of his coat, hissing in pain when he moved his shoulders and chest and taking off his shoes took longer than it should have._  
  
_"First you're going to take a hot shower or a bath, whatever you prefer, I'll give you some dry clothes and then I want to check those bruises. And I'm talking about all of them." Jared gave his best effort to keep his voice low but demanding. The doctor in him taking over the situation._  
  
_"I'm fine Jared, but a shower sounds good."_  
  
_"You're not fine. You're pretty far from being fine. But listen, I won't ask questions, don't need to, just promise me you'll never go back to him?" Jared didn't even consider hiding the desperation in his voice. He could barely handle the sight in front of him, much less the thought of Jensen and Lillian ever running back to Welling._  
  
_While Jensen was in the bathroom for almost an hour Jared had gotten a travel crib from the basement. He used to babysit Chris' and Steve's oldest son quite a lot when his fathers were either working too much or simply needed an evening out. In that moment he was glad that he kept it and after cleaning it up and getting some linen from his bedroom he carefully placed the little baby girl in it and she seemed to like it._

_“Okay princess, you sleep now, alright? I’ll make sure your daddy gets some coffee and he also looks like he needs to eat a little. So be a good little baby?” Lillian just munched on her fist while staring up at Jared with big blue eyes._

_A few minutes later she had started crying again and Jared got her out of the crib, sniffing on her diaper but she seemed dry and clean. “What’s the matter sweetheart? You hungry too? Let’s see if your daddy brought some food for you.”_

_Jared didn’t feel comfortable digging through Jensen’s bag but he also didn’t want to interrupt him in the bathroom and since Lillian seemed to be quite hungry he just placed her on his hip to go on a food hunt. He found a couple of bottles and formula and went straight to the kitchen with Lillian to prepare some food for her._

_While the bottle was heating up Lillian was slowly calming down, probably aware of being fed soon and the way she clung to Jared let his heart swell… and ache. He couldn’t believe what this little girl had to witness, what she must have seen and he was sure that she at least heard the fighting between her fathers that must have taken place. But as a doctor he also knew that at only six months she wouldn’t be able to remember any of it later on._

_“Hey now, no pulling my hair tonight. I promise when you’re older and your hands a little more skilled I’ll play lab rat for your pigtail experiments, okay? For now though let’s get you fed, princess.”_

_“Lab rat? Pigtail experiments? Next you’ll promise her tea parties.” Jensen was all of a sudden behind them and Jared jumped a little in surprise since he didn’t hear the other man coming out of the bathroom._

_“Tea parties are awesome and if you mock them I’ll make sure you never get an invite.” Jared gave Jensen his best shit-eating grin and focused back on the bottle that was finally done. It was probably too soon to come up with assumptions, but Jared knew the ice was breaking._

_***_

_Jensen and Lillian stayed with Jared for almost three weeks, not only because Jensen was afraid of going outside but also because Jared insisted on both of them staying at least until Jensen figured out what he was going to do next. Of course it wasn’t easy for Jared to be around Jensen all the time, considering that his heart was being ripped apart whenever he only looked at the other man. But he knew he had to keep his own longings and feelings in check. All he could do was support Jensen, be a friend. And if friendship was all he would get, then he’d deal with it. And their friendship had grown fast and deep. Jared was still one hundred percent sure that Jensen was the one and only for him, even though Jensen didn’t seem to notice, but that was to be expected after everything the man had gone through. Jared had helped Jensen pick out an apartment because Jensen insisted on getting his own place, he didn’t want to be a burden for Jared, he said. And no matter how many times Jared tried to explain and make Jensen understand that he was not a burden, the older man refused to listen and eventually Jared gave in and helped him pick out an apartment that wasn’t too far away from Jared’s house._

_Soon Jensen had found a job and he slowly accustomed to his new situation as a single father but Jared knew that Jensen was still, after being away from Welling for weeks, not okay. But Jensen would cope someday, Jared was sure of it and after a couple of months the older man even agreed on starting therapy to get the healing process done._

Jared’s heart still beats faster whenever he thinks back to the evening when Jensen stood at his door, with baby Lilly hidden in his coat, but he knows today is not a good time to remember anything bad that happened during the last four years. Jensen’s outbursts and meltdowns and how he still questions himself, how he still believes he’s a bad father. But Jared doesn’t have any of it because he will stick with Jensen and Lilly until the end of time and he’ll always make sure both of them are happy. Four years ago Jared had a huge crush on Jensen, now he is so deeply in love with the man that he can’t stand being away from him for longer than a day. Jensen doesn’t seem to mind that Jared is practically clued to him, yet Jared is still careful, afraid that someday he’ll let anything slip. Since four years he’s playing hide and seek and he will probably have to do so until he’s six feet under. It’s exhausting to love someone who’s so close to you and yet so far away. Of course under different circumstances Jared could just grow a pair and admit to Jensen that he’s moping for years now, but two years ago Jensen came back from one of his many appointments with his shrink and was begging Jared to give him at least ten beers before he’ll shoot his brains out. After the fifth bottle Jensen was pretty drunk and started talking. He didn’t give away much, but enough for Jared to know that Jensen was done with this _“whole love crap; feelings; relationships and this useless boyfriend mess and that he’d rather be alone, stay a single father forever before he’d ever trust a man again.”_

 

The confession had hit Jared like a sucker punch. And it still hurts, it will always hurt. Jared often thinks that maybe he should go out, have fun, experience the dating scene again, but he can’t even begin to explain how much it pains him to think about other men. There is nothing else between Jensen and him but a deep and caring friendship, a foundation built on trust, support and comfort. And on Jared’s part there is a whole lot of love involved too. Jared sometimes still tries to push Jensen out of his heart, to finally let go and move on and whenever he uses his dimpled charm and tries to flirt he has to slump his shoulders and huff in defeat. Nobody will ever be able to hold a candle to Jensen, his best friend who’ll never return Jared’s feelings.

 

Jared is already getting dressed when his phone starts beeping and by the ringtone he immediately knows who it is and chuckles before he flips the phone open.

 

“Uncle Jayyyy’eeeed. It’s me.” Lilly’s excited voice chirps through the speaker before he can even say hello.

 

“Well hello there and good morning to you too, sweetheart.”

 

“Jay’ed can you picks me up now? Daddy says I’m driving him crazy.” Lilly sighs and Jared can practically see her eyeroll.

 

"Only a few more minutes, baby girl. I will hurry, promise." Jared smiles brightly, even though Lilly can't see it but she always knows the affection is there.  
  
"Okay, Jay. I will gets my jacket and wait for you." -  "Hey Lilly, hand me the phone for a second, please?" Jensen cuts in from the background. His still sleep ruffled voice has Jared's body twitching and his breath getting a little shallow.  
  
"Morning."  
  
"Morning, Jen. She giving you a hard time?"  
  
"I swear, man, she loves you more than me. You bribe her with candy, right?"  
  
"Awww Jen, you're just jealous I asked her out on a date to the playground and not you." Jared snickers but at the same time wishing it was true.  
  
"Yeah, my heart's crying tears of blood." Jensen snorts through the line.

*

Jared pulls into the parking lot of the playground with a giddy and non-stop babbling Lillian all buckled up in the backseat. She tells him about all the exciting and important news from kindergarten and everything else she experienced since Jared had last seen her. Which was a whole two days ago.  
  
"Jay'ed I'm in love." Lilly grins and almost rips her face in half by doing so.  
  
Jared shakes his head and hides a giggle because this isn't the first time Lilly says she's in love.  
  
"With whom, honey?" Jared asks in a serious tone, because this is a serious business. _For a four year old_.  
  
"Scotty Dalton. You know Scotty, don't you?"  
  
"Scotty. Yes I know him. Short blonde hair, eyes as blue as yours, glasses and a missing tooth from his run in with a pole. But wait a second, you guys were fighting just last week. Does he even love you back?" Jared knows about all the kids in Lillian's kindergarten class, either from all her stories or from picking her up every once in a while.

 

“Scotty says he loves me more than ice-cream.” Lilly is still grinning from one ear to the other while Jared is helping her out of her seat.

 

“That’s real love right there. You gonna invite me to the wedding?” Jared asks and Lilly seems to think about it for a second, thumb pressed under her chin, index finger patting her little pink lips and eyes going left and right.

 

“Of course, silly goose. I make you pigtails and then you can be my flower girl.”

 

“It’s a done deal. Now come on, hop up.” Jared crouches down so Lilly can as usual sit on his shoulders. When they did this the first time she said that she could almost touch the stars because Jared is so tall.

 

They spend the first half of the morning baking sand-cakes and Jared has a taste of every piece Lilly offers to him. Only around noon does the playground get a little crowded, but Jared doesn’t mind, it gives Lilly time and the chance to interact with other kids and if he’s honest he sometimes prefers to just sit back and watch her. Her fantasy making her believe she’s the queen and three little boys bow down and play her knights to defend their kingdom. When she has enough of being queen she drags Jared to the swings and even though he knows that she can push herself back and forth, he’s still staying behind her, pushing her as high as her stomach can handle.

 

He loves this time with her more than anything and today isn’t the first time that he gets lost in thought, imagining how it would be if Lilly was his. Okay, he already loves her as if she was and he wouldn’t treat his own kids any differently, hell he already is like a second father for her. But he wouldn’t ever say anything like this to Jensen. Who knows how the other man would react to such a statement. Of course Jensen already knows how much the little girl means to Jared, but for them he’s only uncle Jared.

 

While Lillian is occupied going down the slide over and over again Jared prepares them their lunch, he spreads a blanket out under a huge acorn tree, the picnic basket filled with everything he knows Lilly will definitely eat. It’s not that she’s a very picky eater, but Jared doesn’t want to risk it either. He calls her name and waves a bag of gummy bears in her direction to lure her to the blanket and yeah, this always works with her.

 

“First you’ll eat some real food, then you can have all the candies I packed for us.” Jared winked at her and she only frowned but tumbles down on the blanket next to him anyway and takes one of the offered sandwiches and some apple juice.

 

Jared’s back is propped against the tree and Lilly leaning against him, devouring her sandwich with gusto and it’s almost perfect. If it wasn’t for his stupid brain constantly reminding him of Jensen, who right now is probably bawling his eyes out in therapy, then this day would be so much better. But Jensen’s therapy is working, does so since the early sessions and it amazes Jared how much the older man has changed, how he isn’t as shy anymore. Now he laughs a lot, cracks jokes and even his physical appearance changed over the years. When Jared had first met him Jensen was thin, almost skinny, the years of physical and mental abuse took it’s toll on him but now he’s eating at least three meals a day and works out whenever his schedule at work and Lilly give him time for it. Doesn’t help Jared though, since it’s bordering on physical painful to look at those broad shoulders, strong biceps and why Jensen decided it was a good idea to leave a stubble on his perfectly sculptured face was beyond Jared. It wasn’t fair.

 

It’s already late afternoon when Lilly decide she wants to go home and Jared agrees, they’re both pretty much exhausted anyway. Lilly falls asleep before Jared pulls out of the parking lot and only wakes her up when he carries her inside his house to give her a bath and wash all the sand out of her shoulder long hair. And he still can’t believe how she managed to have sand between her toes, he’s sure she didn’t take neither her shoes nor her socks off. But yeah, nothing new there either.

 

The evening before he already fixed some spaghetti and meatballs, one of Lilly’s favorites and she can barely hold her fork anymore when Jared feeds her a couple more bites and calls it a night. Jared carries her upstairs to the bathroom and sits her down on the counter, combs her hair with her favorite purple hairbrush, which he bought for her after she decided to let her hair grow as long as Rapunzel’s is. She’s barely awake anymore, yet Jared manages to brush her itty bitty teeth. But as usual she still, no matter how tired she is, refuses to go to bed until Jared reads her at least two different bedtime stories. He doesn’t mind, never did, never will. He cherishes those moments, loves every second of it.

 

“Do you loves me Jay’ed?” Lilly whispers against his chest where she’s laying half on the bed half on Jared when he reads Cinderella to her for the millionths time.

 

“Of course, baby girl. You know I do.” Jared answers with a kiss to the top of her head and pulls her tiny body closer and snug against his’.

 

“As much as daddy loves me?” She looks up at him with drooping eyes and there is almost something like fear in them.

 

“Nobody will ever love you as much as your daddy, but can you keep a secret?” He winks at her and waits for her to nod.

 

“If I would have to decide who I love more than anything in this world, I would pick you.” He gives her his best smile and she crawls up to throw her arms around his neck and gives him a big sloppy kiss on his cheek.

 

“I loves you too, Jay’ed.” She grins at him and rewards him with a second kiss on his other cheek.

 

“Now chop chop, time to sleep.” He says while climbing off the bed to tuck Lilly in and places a kiss on her forehead.

 

He keeps checking on her every thirty minutes, it’s a habit and he knows he won’t be able to find a minute of sleep until he’s sure that Lilly really is a sleep and alright. But for now he’ll busy himself with cleaning the kitchen and Lilly might not have eaten that much she still managed to make quite a mess.

 

Jared is done with cleaning only a few minutes later, dishes washed and neatly put back in the cabinets and he looks at the clock, worry seeps in immediately. He always worries. About Jensen. It’s almost ten and he knows Lilly’s dad should be home by now and he also knows that he won’t hear a peep from Jensen until the next day. Yet he always waits that maybe the other man will call him after his appointments with the psychiatrist. He never does though but Jared has still hope that maybe someday Jensen will find the courage to fully open up to Jared. Jensen trusts him, a lot and it’s not that he doesn’t want to tell Jared, it’s just that he can’t. He had once told Jared how difficult it is for him to open up to his therapist alone and it takes him a lot of effort and willpower not to cancel the appointments.

 

It’s almost midnight when Jared checks on Lilly for the last time tonight then slowly retreats to his bedroom. Half an hour later, showered and tired to his bones he stumbles in his bed and yawns loudly. Hours later when the sun is not even ready to show up yet he hears a distant beep, it’s catching his attention, but not enough to have him fully wake up. The beep comes back two or three more times and it’s starting to get annoying. Jared doesn’t know if it’s part of the dream he’s having or if it’s something in the house. When the beep is back for another round he hastily jumps into a sitting position, afraid it might be one of the smoke detectors so he tries to smell something, but there is nothing, everything seems perfectly fine until he realizes it’s his phone, which is now vibrating on the nightstand. He stretches out to grab it and is a little baffled to see that the caller ID is Jensen’s, three missed calls and the last one is a text message.

 

_don’t wannabe ‘lone canicome over?_

 

Jared looks at the text and has to read it a couple times before he’s able to understand what’s going on. Either Jensen is texting in his sleep now or totally drunk. And that would be just.not.good. Jensen is a lightweight, can’t handle his alcohol that’s why he barely ever touches anything but maybe a beer or two. Three shots and he’s wasted.

 

Jared is about to send an answer when he hears the front door of the house being opened and by the rumbling of what sounds like feet crashing into furniture and boots stomping up the stairs he’s sure it’s Jensen. Jared had given Jensen a key to the house the first time Lilly was staying for the night. Jensen never used the key though, not unless he ringed the bell first. And definitely not at the asscrack of dawn.

 

Jared is about to get up, afraid that whatever the fuck Jensen is making that much noise for will wake up Lilly, when Jensen is already crashing through his bedroom door. Jared has never seen Jensen like this before, he isn’t just drunk or wasted, no Jensen is completely smashed, his skin ash pale, eyes red rimmed and Jared can barely hold him upright when Jensen collapses in his arms. He drags him closer to the bed to sit him down and if Jensen wouldn’t look like a freaking zombie Jared might actually enjoy the sight of the other man being in his bedroom, on his bed.

 

“Jen, what the hell, man?” Jared is kneeling in front of Jensen, looking up at him and holds him by the shoulders, waiting for Jensen to look at him.

 

“’s okay, Jare.” Jensen all but slurs, his hands reaching for Jared’s wrists and he holds on tight. “’cause you’ll take care of me, right? You’ll aaaalways take care of me.”

 

“You know I will.” Jared’s brows meet in the middle and he has to shake his head in confusion even though he’s aware of the sarcasm in Jensen’s voice.

 

“…mhm. Because I can’t take care of myself.”

 

“Of course you can. Jen, come on, what happened?”

 

“No! I fucking can’t. I’m useless and I keep fucking everything up. I’d be dead if it wasn’t for you.” Jensen’s eyes start to water and tear after tear is rolling down his pale cheeks and Jared would want nothing more than to just scoop Jensen up and hug him, offer him some sort of comfort but he’s not sure that Jensen would let it go that far.

 

“Don’t you dare talk about yourself like that, you hear me? You are not fucking anything up. You are my best friend, Jensen and you’re so much more than you give yourself credit for and you’re a wonderful father, Lilly loves you more than anything and she needs you, so don’t say this shit. You hear me?” Jared takes Jensen’s cheeks in both of his hands and forces the other man to look at him. The fear and pain that is so clearly visible in Jensen’s eyes is worse to look at than all the bruises the man ever wore. “Why did you get so drunk, Jen? Did something happen at Dr. Ferris’ office today?”

 

“Doesn’t fucking matter.” Jensen scoffs at him and pulls back, but Jared is faster, holding him steady, not letting him go, because he knows a drunk Jensen is one easy thing to deal with, but this side of Jensen is layered with depression, angst and probably a whole lot of bad memories. And if Jensen thinks for one damn second that Jared will leave him alone right now then he obviously doesn’t know Jared at all.

 

“Learned somethin’ today. A freaking mirage. God I’m so stupid.” Jensen is mumbling and taking one of his hands off of Jared’s wrist to rub it over his own face, his knuckles digging deep into his eyes and Jared is sure that the contacts giving Jensen one hell of a bad time. Considering the faint smell of beer, whiskey and smoke on Jensen’s clothing the guy was probably hanging around in some bar getting shitfaced over whatever happened at his session today.

 

Jensen’s head is lolling from one side to the other, close to passing out and Jared needs a second to think. Jensen definitely needs some sleep, get the freaking liquor out of his system so he carefully takes the older man’s shoes and jacket off and lays him down. Jensen tries to protest but it’s a lost battle.

 

“Get some rest, Jen.” Jared pulls the blanket over Jensen’s already half asleep form and grabs the other blanket and pillow for himself, to take it downstairs on the couch. Sure he’d rather sleep in his own bed, his couch might be as big as a damn house but it’s nothing compared to his bed. Sleeping in the same bed with Jensen though, no, not going to happen. Jared would probably end up cuddling up against Jensen or even worse, wrap himself all around the other man and never let go again and that would probably freak the Jensen out when he wakes up.

 

So Jared does all he can to make it as easy of a wake up as possible for Jensen and places a glass of water and some Tylenol on the night stand and just in case, a bucket next to the bed. He loves Jensen with every fiber of his being, doesn’t mean he’d appreciate the guy vomiting all over his carpet though.

 

Jensen’s eyes are still not fully closed and he fumbles under the blanket and Jared only hopes he’s not trying to jerk off or anything because that would be awkward. And hot. But no, there’s no jerking off happening. Jensen is fighting with the blanket, in desperate need to untangle his arm and when he finally manages to do so he’s holding a folded piece of paper out for Jared. “This… ‘s what I learned today.”

 

As soon as Jared takes the paper out of Jensen’s hand the man is out cold, snoring like a chainsaw.

 

Jared looks at it for almost a minute, not sure if Jensen actually wanted him to read it but he does so anyway. And in Jensen’s neat handwriting is written:

Jared lays awake, not able to find a second of sleep. Jensen’s paper still tugged tight in his hand and it’s burning it’s way through his skin. All the years Jared thought, hoped that Jensen was over Tom Welling, that he had finally managed to move on. But looking at those few words that hold so much painful meaning behind them is depressing and Jared can barely breath, his lungs screaming at him for air. It’s like his whole world’s crashing down on him. He had hoped, had never given up on maybe, someday Jensen being free of the man who tortured him. But reading the note over and over again Jared has to admit defeat, has to admit to himself and realize that yes, he loves Jensen, loves him so much he’s in physical pain, loves Lilly as if she was his own, but his love will never be enough for either of them. He knows right then and there that he won’t ever have more than a friendship with Jensen. It won’t be easy walking towards a future where you know you’ll be alone, where you won’t be loved like you’re longing for. But he’ll manage, somehow he’ll make it through each and every day that’s still ahead of him. And isn’t it just ironic that apparently Jared finds so much of himself in this note from Jensen. Match made in hell, Jared thinks sarcastically. He won’t change anything though, he knows he won’t ever stop loving and caring for Jensen and Lilly, he only has to learn how to live with fate not giving a shit about him.


	5. Chapter 5

"She was crying so much and I tried, believe me I tried to get her to stop. But... but the fever was wearing her out and I was holding her close to me, rocking her in my arms, kissed her head and told her how much I love her. I begged her to stop. God, I just knew... I knew he would..."  
  
"Did he hurt her, Jensen?"  
  
"No! No, not physically. I know he loved her, wouldn't lay a hand on her. But the threat was spoken with so much vile."  
  
"What did he say?"  
  
"He... he said the  _child needs some discipline, damn crying is fucking annoying_."  
  
"How did you feel about his words?"  
  
"How do you think I fucking felt about it? I wanted to rip him apart. Doc, I wanted to kill him. She was barely six months old, teething and he was so annoyed and pissed. At her... and me, for not keeping her quiet."  
  
"What happened next? Was it the night you left?"  
  
"Y---Yes."  
  
"Because he verbally threatened your baby?"  
  
"He said I'm a  _terrible father, can't even shut a damn baby up_ , but he didn't expect me to be good at anything in the first place. Said I wasn't good enough for anything but..."  
  
"But sex?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Did you sleep with him that night?"  
  
"He said if I wouldn't obey, spread my legs and do as he says he has to take what's his, force me, use violence."  
  
"Did you obey?"  
  
"I was crying my way through it, but yes I obeyed. He made me look at him and he---he enjoyed it."  
  
"Did you ask him to stop?"  
  
"No. I tried to say no, did so many times before, but he wouldn't listen and it got worse after I wouldn't do as he said. So I let it happen. The pain was horrific. He punished me over and over again for being a terrible father."  
  
"Jensen, did you blame your daughter? Do you think it was her fault that he hurt you?"

 

He fidgeted in his chair, toes curling in his shoes until his socks were almost ripped, his short clipped fingernails scratching off invisible spots on his jeans, the seam threatening to give with the force with which he was trying to get through and his bottom lip was so very close from being pierced through by his teeth. He hated being there, hated it so much to talk about Tom and their past, feared to let it all out. It didn’t help for shit, not at all. He has been to so many appointments with Dr. Ferris already he couldn’t even count them anymore and it didn’t do anything for him. Jensen still went home depressed, lonely and broken.

 

“You do know that nobody is going to judge you. I won’t look at you any different than before, and you can try lying to me, but don’t lie to yourself. We both know that you love your daughter, you’ve proven so many times that you would be willing to die for her, kill for her if need be. The pain you have endured through Tom’s hands, every sting and stab of his fingers, every time he threatened to kill you after your daughter was born, did you ever regret having her because then the pain wouldn’t have been there, the torture wouldn’t have happened?”

 

Jensen knew he could trust his shrink. Okay, it took him months and at least ten appointments to even open his mouth for the first time, but eventually he thought giving her a chance might help him. But talking about his problems, his depressions that followed his nightmares made everything just worse. He often thought about quitting, not ever talking about it again and maybe some of those useless suggestions from the internet would help him after all. Time would heal his wounds. The fuck it does. Almost four years he’s been away from Tom and yet every time he looks at his daughter he’s reminded of what the bastard did to him. But admitting that he in fact blamed his daughter when the actual attacks took place was something he would never speak aloud, wouldn’t ever let anyone hear how low he had thought of his daughter, an innocent baby who wasn’t asked to be brought into this world, who didn’t know her father was a psycho who would’ve rather had Jensen dead than alive with anyone else. He regretted every single thought when his pain-fogged body told him if Lillian wouldn’t have been born he wouldn’t have to suffer. He was ashamed of those thoughts ever crossing his mind. And maybe Tom had always been right, maybe Jensen really was a bad father for thinking like this. And no matter how much he loves his daughter, no matter how many times he almost faced death, he would, in his right and pain-free mind never regret having her.

 

Lillian was the one thing that kept him going, the reason for him to wake up every morning, a constant reminder that life was worth living.

 

“Okay, let’s skip this for now, shall we? Maybe we can get back to that question some other time.”

 

Jensen didn’t look up, his eyes clued to his shoes. If he’d look Dr. Ferris in the eyes she would look right through him, something he didn’t want but he guessed she already knew his answer without him saying a single word.

 

“Why did you when you left Tom run to your friend’s house? Why Jared and not a shelter?”

 

Jensen couldn’t see her, but he heard it in her voice that she was smiling at him, knew whenever they discussed Jared and the friendship him and Jensen shared he would relax and calm down. It’s a tactic she quickly learned to use after Jensen had first talked about the other man. The questions she asked weren’t new, in fact they had talked about this many times before, but it was just one of her techniques, keep asking the same questions and add a little extra to it, hoping to get him to open up and maybe he would add a new important part of his past to it.

 

Jensen felt like one of those puzzles he hated as a kid, the ones where you have a bazillion tiny pieces and you can’t for the life of it finish it. He was one of those puzzles and Dr. Ferris was the one trying to put all the pieces together.

 

“I knew I could trust him.” Jensen answered sheepishly, ducking his head while his thumb rubbed furiously over the knuckles of his other hand.

 

“How so? You told me that you never trusted anyone since you’ve met Tom. Why would you trust a stranger? Because he was wearing a white coat?”

 

“His eyes. When I looked at him his eyes were all honesty and no bullshit. I doubted his concern at first, but he’s one persistent fella I tell you that.”

 

“Explain persistent for me.”

 

“In Jared’s case it’s… he was, he  _is_ , I don’t know. I’ve been an ass to him, snapped and yelled when all I wanted was to be left alone, but he, damn, he just smiled through it. He smiled at me, smiled and cared for me without expecting anything in return.”

 

“So you say trusting him was easy?”

 

“Hell no. I knew I could trust him, but I was, I don’t know, scared to get hurt and a little scared of him as well, which is stupid, but I couldn’t help myself.”

 

Truth is Jensen was scared shitless of Jared. As it turned out it was totally stupid because Jared might be build like a damn house and tall as fuck but underneath all that rippling muscle and strength was nothing but an overgrown puppy with a sweet tooth. And it had taken Jensen less than one week to figure this one out.

 

Jensen and Lilly had been living in Jared’s house for three, maybe four days and no matter how trustworthy Jared seemed Jensen was tiptoeing through the house, afraid Jared would get tired of them being around, tired of someone invading his privacy like they had. Jared told him if he needed anything then he could always ask and Jensen, afraid to do something wrong did just that. Whenever he was thirsty or hunger made itself audible through a growling stomach he asked Jared if it was okay to get a glass of water, an apple or if it was okay to make himself a sandwich. After the second day of asking Jared had rolled his eyes at him and said if he doesn’t want to starve then he better quits asking and just take what he wanted.

 

Jared had prepared one of the guest rooms for Jensen and Lilly, the crib as close to Jensen’s bed as possible and even though Jared had suggested Jensen could just dump his mere belongings in one of the drawers Jensen declined the offer, left everything in his bag, still not sure if Tom knew where they were and if he would have to run again.

 

Jensen barely slept, his eyes always half open, prepared for the storm, the storm that never really came, but his eyes never leaving his peacefully sleeping baby girl.

 

It was after midnight when his bladder told him the two glasses of water before bedtime were the most stupid idea ever and he slowly crawled out of bed, making sure to be quiet and walked to the enclosed bathroom to relieve himself.

 

He was washing his hands when a piercing shriek came from the bedroom. He didn’t care about the still running faucet, he all but bolted through the door and it slammed with a loud cracking sound against the wall. Lillian was crying worse than Jensen had ever heard her wailing before. Immediately he was alarmed and his first instinct was to make sure she’d quiet down. Yes, by hindsight he should have checked her over first, find the actual reason for her pained cry but he was too worried about her waking Jared up. Memories of Tom’s punishment when Jensen wasn’t able to calm Lilly down were running through his mind, burning his every nerve in fear.

 

Jensen picked Lilly up, held her close to his chest, rocking her, his hand caressing her back, whispering pleas in her ear, begging her to stop.

 

“What the hell was that?!” Jared’s sleep rough voice all of a sudden cut through Jensen’s very core and he flinched at the wide eyed stare of the other man.

 

“S---she just, I’m sorry, she, I don’t know… just started crying. I’m sorry, believe me, I’ll get her to calm down, just… I’m sorry.” Jensen squeezed his eyes shut and pressed his baby girl impossibly closer to his chest.

 

Jared was shocked at the sight in front of him. He woke up from a restless sleep when Lilly started crying like she was dying and he jumped out of his bed and stormed down the hallway and without paying any attention to something like personal space pushed the door open and Jensen was standing next to the crib, the baby on his chest, furiously trying to get her to be quiet. When Jensen mumbled with a broken voice that he was sorry about the cries Jared didn’t know what hit him, but he could see that Jensen was more than just scared, scared of Jared and it hurt. It looked like Jensen was waiting for something to happen, something bad and after the sleep drained out of Jared’s body he realized that Welling must be a bigger bastard than Jared had first thought, probably not keen on the idea of a baby disturbing his sleep.

 

"Please. Please don't." Jensen was chanting over and over again, his arms wrapped protectively around the baby, both their bodies shaking with sobs and Jensen was losing so many tears over Lilly's soft hair it was sticking together by it.  
  
"Jensen, hey. Come on, calm down it's just me." Jared stepped closer but with every step forward he took Jensen backed further away, slowly turning around to shield his daughter with his own body.  
  
Jared didn't back off though, he knew he had to get Jensen out of whatever scenario his head was playing to him.  
  
"She'll b---be good. I p---promise. Please don't." Jensen begged when Jared was so close his short puffs of breath fanned against Jensen's neck. Jared didn't need to touch Jensen, the tension in his shoulders visible to a blind man. But Jared reached out anyway, needed to prove to the other man that he wasn't going to harm either one of them. He carefully placed his palm between Jensen's shoulder blades, his thumb rubbing small circles over shirt-clad bones.  
  
"Shhh. It's okay, Jensen. Nothing is going to happen. You're safe, both of you." Jared said in nothing but a whisper, moving even closer and Jared was afraid Jensen might drop Lilly if he continued shaking like this. With his free hand he reached around Jensen, placing his own hand over Jensen's to support the baby's weight. His chest so close to Jensen's back, almost touching and Jared wished so badly that they could stay like this,  _forever please_. But minus the freak out, thank you.  
  
Lillian's cries were still high in volume and Jared's worry as a doctor kicked in. He could feel how uncomfortable and terrified Jensen was with Jared being so close but he needed to find out what caused the baby's discomfort. He looked past Jensen, over his shoulder and let out a sigh of relief when he realized that one of the first teeth was probably trying to cut through Lillian's gums. She tried so hard getting her hand between her tiny pink lips, but she was trapped in her daddy's arms.  
  
"Jensen, I’m not going to hurt you. I’d never do anything that would cause you harm. Just look, she’s… Jen, come on, you gotta let me show you." Jared whispered and moved his hand from Jensen’s back between the older man’s chest and in front of Lilly’s face. He was wrapped all around Jensen and he’d be a liar if he’d say he didn’t enjoy this. No, he really liked this, but God, this was so not how he ever imagined holding Jensen in his arms for the first time.

 

Lilly’s mouth was wide open, her cries not wanting to stop and Jared slowly pushed one of his fingers between her lips, putting light pressure on her gums and within seconds Lilly was biting down on his finger, seeking for more of the pressure that Jared knew was going to ease her pain.

 

“She’s teething and we might need to get her one of those teething rings that you put in the fridge, they’re supposed to be really helpful. But for now all you gotta do is rub her gums a little to lessen the pain. See, just like that. Come on, try it.” Jared nudged Jensen a little until the other man eventually did as Jared had just done and within a few minutes Lilly was calming down.

 

“How did you feel when Jared helped you instead of giving you punishment like Tom used to?”

 

“Stupid, like an idiot and so very sorry that I thought he was capable of hurting me.” Jensen answered in a low voice, almost sobbing. And the part where he realized that he felt like he was in heaven when Jared held him didn’t need to be said, it was probably written all over his face anyway. He really had to push those thoughts in the back of his head again, because those thoughts weren’t safe, they weren’t worth thinking about. It was dangerous territory.

 

“Jensen, can I ask you something without you getting mad at me again?” Dr. Ferris asked with a half-smirk, half-grin on her face and Jensen only nodded, because he knew whatever question might come next it must be one of the many he had heard before and one he obviously didn’t like because he barely ever got mad at her.

 

“Do you thought about dating again? When I asked you this question a year ago you called me a crazy old lady and incompetent. But what about today? You tried to convince me that you don’t ever want to date again, but that wasn’t true, right?”

 

“I---I’m sorry. I know I’ve been out of line, but…”

 

“Please, no need to apologize.”

 

"My opinion on that matter didn't change. I've got my plate full with Lilly and my job... there is no time to wallow in all this sentimental love crap."  
  
"Mhm. And you don't miss anything?"  
  
"Like what? Sex? Not at all. I don't even want to think about giving myself over to a guy anymore. The thought alone of someone touching me... just, no. It sickens me."  
  
Jensen literally and figuratively has to shake and shudder, memories of Tom still torture him every day. How he hovered over him, brutally thrusting into him while Jensen's face was pressed in the pillow, teeth digging in the linen, white knuckling the sheets and mind focused away from the pain, mentally begging Tom to end him.  
  
"What about comfort, love and trust? What about sharing your daily events with someone? Not every man out there is like Tom,  _you_  are not like him and from what you've told me neither are any of your friends. You are a loving father, you give so much and sometimes too much. When was the last time you did something solely for yourself? Do you ever think about or imagine how it might be if there was someone, someone so special you'd love and enjoy waking up next to, someone who's waiting for you when you come home after a long day at work? A person who's willing to listen to the things you have to say and maybe, just maybe actually wants to hold you whenever you're in need of a shoulder to lean on, simple human contact."  
  
"I don't need any of this. All I care about is my daughter and that she is happy. Nothing else matters to me." Jensen snapped. He was tired of Dr. Ferris assuming to know what he wanted and he could already feel one big ass headache crawling through his temples.  
  
"Lillian receives more love from you than humanly possible and it's just the way it's supposed to be. A loving parent will always put their children first and you're doing an amazing job raising her. I'm more than positive she'll be forever grateful of how much you put your own life on hold for her sake. But what I also know, as a mother myself is that she would want you to be happy. Right now she might be too young, but a few years down the road she'll realize that you deserve to be loved too. And she'll never hold it against you if she has to share you with someone else. Jensen, if there is someone who deserves to be loved than it's you."  
  
"Whatever. It's not of import what I deserve or want. And i don't care what you think because the person you're trying to make up for me doesn't exist. There is no such human, willing to deal with all that crap that is my life, all the shit that's hidden."  
  
"We all have a past, Jensen. We just have to find our match who loves us no matter the prior events that took place in our lives."  
  
Jensen could only shake his head in disagreement. She just didn't get it. Stubborn is what she is, constantly trying to convince him that he didn't have any flaws, yet he knows he has so many. The only good thing in his life was always his daughter. Other than that he was damaged goods. Who in their right mind would ever want to deal with someone as broken as him. No, he was better off alone.  
  
"Jensen, I'd like for you to write something down." She handed him a piece of paper and one of her fancy pens. Jensen stared at it for a long moment and the little 'Montblanc' engraving made him wonder if maybe he was paying her too much for his sessions. Eventually he took the pen, it felt heavy between his fingers and he studied it with squinting eyes. In even smaller gold letters was engraved 'You can not write a love letter with pencil. Use this pen instead, it will last forever.'  
  
The message was half cryptic, half weird but Jensen was sure there's a bigger story behind it. Dr. Ferris smiled at him, obvious to his confusion and thoughts.  
  
"So? What am I supposed to write down? Getting a feeling here it's not going to be your grocery list."  
  
"No, what I want you to write down is your... let's call it diagnosis. Something I have learned about you a very long time ago, something you're trying to ignore yourself. Once you've written it down I want you to read it over and over again until you see the truth and meaning behind it. Until you realize what's right in front of you."  
  
Jensen was gaping like a fish. Damn her and all the money he paid her. This stupid pen felt like a rock in his hand and he was a little scared of what was to come.  
  
Before he could say anything though she told him to use his best handwriting, since he'll have to be able to read it again... and again.  
  
"Lying about not wanting something is easier to cope with than living with the painful reality of never being able to have what you want." She spoke the words slow and gentle, waiting for Jensen to finish writing and until he looked up at her again. She locked eyes with him, her lips curled up into a small smile and then she spoke again: "Or who you want." Jensen kept staring until she tilted her head towards the paper in his hands, nodding at the pen until Jensen scribbled her last sentence down.  
  
He looked at the words, every single letter swimming away in a blur and his stomach was all of a sudden tangled in a knot, his heart beating faster and he swallowed, hard.  
  
"This is you, Jensen. This is exactly how you feel and how you think. You speak words of hate and disgust, yet deep inside you know you're longing for the things you're afraid of the most. You're scared to get hurt again, more afraid of the emotional hurt than the physical but someday you'll have to open up again, you'll have to feed your heart what it's secretly craving or you'll end up alone and miserable. You're terrified of loving again because you fear the love you want to give will be rejected or not returned. Don't lie to yourself, don't hide behind this thick wall inside your head. Climb this wall and open your eyes. In the last three years we've always talked about Tom but the important facts you're trying to ignore are the things I didn't miss. If you think about it, you've long let go of Tom, yet you dwell in the misery he caused you and you use it as a shield to protect yourself and Lillian. Our appointments haven't been about him in a long time."  
  
Jensen listened carefully, trying to put it all together, to understand what she's telling him.  
  
"Let my words sink in, I can see you're struggling with the truth. But it was about time I told you."  
  
Nothing made sense anymore to him. His shrink was obviously going insane. If she really thought that none of those sessions were about the man who broke not only his heart but also his body then he would definitely sue her ass to get every single cent back he ever wasted on this useless therapy. And why the fuck was she still grinning at him? Damn woman knows exactly that she ripped him off. Cursing all the nasty words you won't ever find in a dictionary wouldn't help him so he clenched his jaw, folded this stupid piece of paper and tucked it in his pocket.  
  
Dr. Ferris laced her fingers together, thumbs tapping against one another and she was staring a crater in Jensen's skull. Her brows meeting in the middle, trapped in concentration before she huffed in annoyance and stood up to walk to her desk. Jensen followed her every movement with his eyes, wondering why she was digging through one of the drawers.  
  
She walked back and approached Jensen, holding a small white box without any labels on it in front of his face. "Open it and tell me what it is."  
  
Jensen raised an eyebrow at her but she wouldn't have any of it, pushing the box in his hands. He hesitated first but then took it and opened it.  
  
"It's a teething ring. What's that supposed to mean?" Jensen scoffed. God the headache was hammering in full force.  
  
"Mhm. Almost correct. What kind of teething ring is it though?"  
  
"The kind you store in the fridge."  
  
"Good. Good, Jensen. You bought one of those for Lillian when she was teething, right?" Jensen nodded, not even sure why he was still bothering with her, much less why he was still in this damn office. "Why didn't you get a regular teething ring, they're just as good as any."  
  
"Jared said I might need to get her one of those teething rings that you put in the fridge because they are supposed to be better."  
  
"Jensen, you've told me this story many times and this is  _not_  what he said. I know you remember his  _exact_  words by heart. Please repeat them for me again."  
  
"He said ‘ _we might need to get her one of those teething rings that you put in the fridge_....' so what does it matter?!"  
  
"That's for you to find out."  
  
Jensen was left regretting ever going to his first therapy session and he was so fed up with her cryptic shit that he put the box with the teething ring on the table next to the couch with a loud  _thud_  before he excused himself and said he'd arrange his next appointment with her assistant.  
  
Back in his car he was lost, tears staining his face and he didn't even fucking know why he was crying. All this bullshit about hiding and love was too much for him to take.  
  
Once his tears stopped long enough for his vision to go blur-free again he started driving and did so for a couple hours, but his brain not giving him the so dearly needed time-out of thoughts. His mind was racing, trying to remember every word of his damn shrink, trying to get that damn puzzle complete by himself.  
  
He had driven for so long the little red warning light on the dashboard indicated that he'd have to stop for gas soon. Jensen did so a few miles down the empty and isolated road. Next to the gas station was a motel and for a second he thought about just crashing there but eventually decided against it. Nothing would compete with his own bed anyway.  
  
A bed he always ended up crying himself to sleep in as soon as he had tucked Lilly in in her bed and kissed her goodnight. Fuck you Dr. Ferris, he thought. The woman was right, everything she said was true and Jensen had tried so hard to never think about all this shit again. Jensen wasn't happy with his life, not at all. He was damn lonely but what the hell did it matter anyway. It's been over four years, long before Lilly was even born that Jensen was crushing on a guy he could never have. And then he had fallen in love because of a freaking teething ring, because of strong arms offering him safety and comfort. But he knew he was never allowed to say anything, knew he would never be worth the other man's attention and once he realized that there wasn't more than friendship in store for him he began to ignore his feelings. It was a needed but so very difficult task. And Jensen had managed, managed to almost forget how much his heart was screaming for the man he called his best friend, a man who kept his promise to play lab rat for Lilly's pigtail experiments, he was the one introducing a two-year old Lilly to tea parties and broke one of her small wooden chairs when he sat down on it with his 6 foot 4 frame.  
  
Why did his shrink have to remind him of what he couldn't have. She must be one sadistic asshole, because it fucking  _hurt_. Jensen was so sure that as long as he had Jared as a friend he wouldn't need anything else. And it worked out perfectly fine until Dr. Ferris had to screw it all up. Now Jensen had to learn all over again how to ignore the flutter of his heart whenever Jared was near, whenever Jensen watched the younger man with Lilly and how much he sometimes wished that Jared was her father. Yep, Jensen was in for a long ass fight against his inner self. Against his heart and soul.  
  
He needed a drink... or twelve.

 

Mind set up he drove back home and as soon as he was right in front of his apartment complex he turned around and headed to Jared’s house. He stood there for what felt like hours, but it was probably just a few minutes, his engine still running and he watched how a mix of blue and yellow lights flickered inside. It seemed like Jared was watching TV, Lilly was probably in bed already. He should just walk up there, knock on the door and confess everything. But just like all the other times after his therapy sessions he left without knocking, without Jared ever knowing he was there.

 

This time though everything was different, his life taking a turn to the shit-side again and he really, really fucking needed some alcohol to numb the terror in his nerves.

 

Thank God the next bar was only a couple blocks away, otherwise Jensen might have thought about chucking down the damn oil from his car because the liquor couldn’t come fast enough.

 

Once he entered the bar he took a beeline for the waitress and ordered two shots, extra strong and she should better make it quick. The liquid burned it’s way down his throat and he actually had to cough his way through it but damn it wasn’t enough.

 

He could barely remember what happened after the fifth and sixth shot. All he remembers is that he fumbled with his phone for a long time and after he tipped the waitress just a little too generously he walked or rather stumbled his way to Jared’s house.

 

He doesn’t know why all of a sudden Jared’s big hands were all over him. Or maybe they were just on his shoulders, but somehow it felt like the heat from his friend’s hands travelled across his whole body. It felt so good, so fucking good and yet so frustrating. Fuck, he loved those hands and he wanted them on his naked skin, wanted to see how they would feel on him,  _in him_. But this little touch was too much and he wanted to pull Jared’s arms off and maybe he even tried, but his limbs wouldn’t listen so there was nothing left for him than to get pissed and bitter. A foul taste in his mouth when he realized he was mad at Jared. He shouldn’t be mad at him, but he was so fucking done with everything. Jared was perfect, so very perfect in everything he ever said and does. Always there for Jensen and his daughter, constantly trying to make them happy and Jensen couldn’t take it anymore. Jensen was a failure at life, his drunken and fucked up brain told him so and it was probably the truth. Why the younger man even bothered with his ass was beyond his understanding.

 

Jared was talking to him, but the words didn’t reach Jensen’s ears he was too drawn to Jared’s soapy scent, all shampoo and baby lotion. And then the warmth of Jared’s hands was gone and Jensen was once again left alone, but the sweet smell of Jared stayed with him, somehow and it took Jensen a long time to realize he laid in Jared’s bed, hugging the other man’s pillow like his life was depending on it.


	6. Chapter 6

It's barely eight in the morning and Jared can already hear little bare feet making their way to the staircase. Jared smiles to himself, smiles that a small sound like this can make his broken heart still flutter in his chest.  
He knows what's coming next, has heard it so many times before. Lilly is skipping down the stairs, ignoring the last step and jumping down while giggling to herself and singing her favorite song.  
  
"Hakuna Matata! What a wonderful phrase. Hakuna Matata!" Her squeaky voice echoes through the house.  
  
"Ain't no passing craze it means no worries..." Her voice is getting closer and Jared moves from his spot in the kitchen to follow the happy sound.  
  
"For the rest of your days..." Lilly is swaying her hips and shoulders in rhythm with the melody, hair flying left and right with how hard she's shaking her head.  
  
"Yeah, sing it, kid!" Jared joins in, knows Lilly would pout and probably never forgive him if he ever forgets to sing along to whatever tune she's enjoying at the moment.  
  
Lilly smiles up at him, arms wide open, favorite toy in a tight grip in her tiny hand, waiting until Jared plays his part and dances towards her to scoop her up in his arms.  
  
"It's our problem-free philosophy..." She picks up the song again before both of them sing in unison: "Hakuna Matata!"  
  
Lilly is sitting on his hip, her free hand clutching to his shirt, even though she knows Jared would never drop her. She is beaming up at him, bright blue eyes sparkling with happiness. "Good morning Pumba." She giggles and presses a sloppy kiss to his cheek.  
  
"Morning kiddo." Jared kisses her forehead before settling her back on her own two feet. He has to bite the inside of his cheeks to stop himself from giggling. Lilly's hair is sticking in all directions, hundreds of little antennas searching for a connection above her, nightgown all wrinkled and askew and Jared knows she probably tossed and turned again when she slept, pillow usually laying somewhere on the floor and comforter wrapped around her chest, leaving her legs and feet bare and freezing.  
  
A sudden rush of sadness overcomes him. He knows so much about this beautiful little girl, knows her in and out, in knowledge of her every mood and what each face she pulls means. She only has to so much as look at him and he understands without words what she wants to say. He knows her every day routine, habits and flaws. She hates to draw yet loves to scribble down letters and numbers. Jared is a big part of her life, that much is obvious, he sees how she's growing up, from just a few hours old to being a chubby baby up to her first attempts at crawling up to her first steps. So much he's allowed to be part of and yet it's not enough. He would give everything to have her joyous laughter and smiles in his house all day, every day. His chances to have this happening are next to nothing though, he knows that much and if her blinding smile wasn’t so infections he would rather sit down and cry like the big old baby he feels like. Lilly will never be his daughter and he’s sure he never will be her father, or a father to any other child for that matter.  
  
Her first word was 'momma' and it was Jared's fault. He remembers Jensen's death glare and Jared fell into a fit of laughter. Jared's parents had been visiting him and of course they wanted to meet the girl Jared couldn't stop gushing about and it took his mother exactly two seconds and she was adopting one year old Lilly as her granddaughter. Jared had addressed his mother with 'momma' way too many times and somehow Lilly picked up on it.  
  
Jared's whole life has changed since the night Jensen came to him, for shelter; for support and a needed friend. His life is evolving around Jensen and Lilly, plans his shifts so he'll always be available for babysitting duties and even though Sandy, as well as Chris and Steve always offer to watch Lilly Jared is the first to be asked. It warms his heart, makes it beat just a little bit faster.  
  
The morning goes on as usual, Jared fixing Lilly's breakfast and while she digs in and devours her banana-chocolate pancakes with gusto Jared is packing her princess bag for daycare. In the back of his mind the constant wish for this to be an everyday action. Sure, Lilly is a slow-coach in the mornings; zoning out and whenever she's done with her breakfast she'll need forever to get dressed. It's cute and annoying; stressful and funny, all at the same time but Jared still wants this. Wants to be a part of this family so bad his heart aches. But as long as he knows Lilly and her dad are safe and sound; happy and well he won't complain. Not to Jensen at least. But in his own headspace it's safe to think about all those things.  
  
He doesn't mention to Lilly that her daddy is upstairs, sleeping off one hell of a hangover. Jared himself doesn't even know what to make of it, what to say or what to think. Jensen's words are still ringing in his ears, the sarcasm hurtful and disappointing and Jared questions himself, wonders if maybe he's involved too much in their lives and if he's done more for them than any other friend would and should do. The answer is yes, to all of the above but he's not going to change not unless Jensen tells him to back off.  
  
Sometimes Jensen would look at him as if Jared was the only person in the world that mattered, something like affection would glimmer in those green eyes but Jared is too afraid to read more into it, scared he might misread the small shy smiles directed only at him.  
  
Many times Jared had to look away, avoid staring at those crinkling lines around Jensen's eyes and how those plush lips would transform into a wide smile, baring his perfect pearly whites.  
  
It's less than two hours later when Jared is back home after he had dropped Lilly off at daycare. It's not like the drive would take him long but he needed to clear his head and there was still this note from Jensen, burning it's way through his jeans' pocket. He couldn't wrap his head around it, couldn't understand why Jensen was still stuck in the past; the older man's heart still glued to Welling. Jared knew that no matter how much time will pass the bastard will forever be a part of Jensen... but not like this. Goddammit.  
  
A rumbling thud from his bedroom lets Jared's pulse rise and he hurries to the kitchen so Jensen will get his first dose of fresh coffee as soon as he's ready to come downstairs. He doesn’t want to think about what Jensen is doing upstairs; he can clearly hear the shower running and the thought of Jensen all naked and wet is killing him.  
  
Jared is nervous and he knows he shouldn't be but the thought of Jensen waking in his bed is a lot to take in because sure he did see Jensen waking up a few times in the past but never in his bed. God, Jared feels pathetic. A nervous pathetic loser who's too chicken to admit his heart's most wanted desire.  
  
He's waiting anxiously, his feet bouncing up and down in a rhythm Jared himself doesn't even know. He is not sure why he is so afraid to see Jensen but as soon as the other man's sleep laced and grumpy voice drawls nothing but a "Mornin'" in Jared's direction he knows exactly why he wants to bolt. Jensen is always a sight for sore eyes but in the morning when his hair is all disheveled he's turning more and more into wet dream material. Even the puffy red eyes caused by a major hangover won't change the view and the grumpy tone in his rough voice is reason enough for Jared to swallow thickly and beg his body to not pop a boner. It would be awkward and most certainly jeopardize their friendship.  
  
"Good morning." Jared answers instead. "I fixed you some coffee. Come, sit." He points out to the chairs and soon as Jensen does as he's told Jared turns away to get a mug from the cupboard.  
  
After Jensen downs his first cup of coffee in silence and without interruption Jared can’t stand the silence anymore, can’t not say something, ask the question that is bugging him since Jensen handed him the note.  
  
“When’s the last time you’ve spoken to Lilly’s father?” He blurts out and traps his lips between his teeth while his eyes stay focused on Jensen’s every move.  
  
Jensen looks at him puzzled, eye brow rising all the way and his mouth gaping in absolute confusion. “What?” He asks Jared and shakes his head at the question.  
  
“You heard me, Jen.” Jared’s face doesn’t give anything away, he’s forcing himself to stay calm and not show his disappointment.  
  
“Surely did. But you know exactly when I last talked to him. Or rather when my lawyer told him to back off in court during the custody hearing. Why would you bring him up anyway?” Jensen closes his eyes for a short second, swallowing hard and obviously not pleased by the memory this conversation is bringing back.  
  
“Do you remember anything from last night?” Jared squints at Jensen and wondering why the older man seems to be in complete shock over this question. Jensen is shifting on his chair, teeth digging deep into his bottom lip. “You gave me this.” Jared explains while fumbling in his jeans pocket to fish out the note Jensen gave him and hands it over, unfolding it with slightly shaking hands and sliding it across the table for Jensen to take.  
  
Jensen though, is in sheer shock and only stares at the little piece of paper before he speaks up again, avoiding Jared’s eyes. “I—Uhm, did I say anything? I mean, about this?” He points at the paper and Jared can’t for the life of him figure out why Jensen is shaking so terribly bad.  
  
“Just that you had an epiphany or some shit along those lines. You were totally wasted and talked yourself down pretty bad as well.”  
  
Jensen only nods his agreement and Jared huffs out in defeat.  
  
“What’s going on with you Jen? Is this about Tom?” Jared shoves the paper further towards Jensen, his index finger tapping lightly on the far corner of the note.  
  
Jensen’s head shoots up, his face pained and he looks at Jared as if he’s lost his mind.  
  
“Tom has nothing to do with this. You should know better, Jared.” Jensen answers with sadness in his voice and Jared thinks he can see water starting to build in Jensen’s eyes and this is just perfect. He hates seeing his friend like this and the fact that he put Jensen in this place right now hurts more than the broken heart he’s trying to cure for so many years now.  
  
“Listen, I’m sorry, okay? You’re my best friend and I- I don’t want you to get hurt but I thought you trust me and I might be a little stupid sometimes but I’m not blind, Jen. I can see that you’re hurting and I wish you’d let me in; tell me what’s going in that head of yours.” Jared is lost for words after his ramble, he has no clue what else to say that might make Jensen feel better but it seems that no matter what he does or says Jensen’s condition won’t change the least. He knows Jensen trusts him, mostly, yet there are still so many things Jared doesn’t know because Jensen didn’t ever fully open up to him. Maybe his friend is ashamed but Jensen should know by now that Jared won’t ever judge him or treat him any different than he has since day one.  
  
 Jensen still doesn’t answer him; keeps ignoring him or rather fully ignores eye contact and this, this makes Jared nervous, like rat on crack nervous. Sure, Jensen has always been a quiet one; shy and sometimes distant. Usually though this never really happened around Jared and it lets him worry.  
  
Trying to dig any further and pushing Jensen won’t do neither of them any good so Jared silently drops the subjects and no matter how much he would like to know more; figure out what this fucking note is about he knows he won’t get any answers unless Jensen provides them for him on his own.  
  
 *******  
  
Jensen feels like shit. Plain and simple. Absolute and utter shit, combined with a monster headache thanks to his hangover and the nagging rumble in the pit of his stomach. And Jared.  
  
He feels guilty; not only because it’s so very obvious how hard Jared tries to make him talk and knowing he shouldn’t but the most irritating thing about this whole cluster fuck is that Jensen wants to tell Jared, wants to open up to him and let him know who this damn note is about. But he  _can’t_.  
  
Jared is the best thing that ever happened to him, and Lilly, of course. And he’d be damned if he’s ever going to risk their friendship. And that’s why he decides to put a stop to all of it, this constantly being around each other, living out of each other’s pockets and practically being attached by the hip is killing him. For a long time he thought it would give him comfort and soothe him to be around Jared. Of course, it does, but it also shoves him closer towards insanity. Not that there’s much of his sanity left anyway, considering how difficult it is for him to only look at Jared. It’s torture is what it is. Being confronted with what you can’t have on a regular basis is exhausting and Jensen can feel himself breaking; each day a little more. He can’t do this anymore, he can’t sit around and hide his feelings, but he also can’t just go ahead and confess everything to Jared. No, what he can do though is get some distance between them. This whole domestic shit that’s going on with him and Jared and Lilly is too much for him to handle.  
  
His brain keeps telling him to suck it up and deal with the sleepless nights and constant daydreaming about the what-if’s because he needs Jared in his life; needs him like his lungs need air to breathe. Yet his heart won’t quit begging him to stop the torture; to slowly let Jared go.  
  
He can sense Jared’s eyes on him, they always are and Jensen knows that. Knows Jared is constantly watching him, looking at him with plead in his eyes and something Jensen can’t name but he assumes it’s a mix of pity and worry. Even after all those years Jensen still wonders why Jared is still around and hasn’t given up on helping Jensen, whatever the fuck that means. Because Jensen’s problems can’t be solved, not by Jared; not when Jared is the actual ‘problem’ in his life. The guy really shouldn’t put up with his crap. It’s a miracle that Jared didn’t send him away a long time ago.  
  
“Did you hear a word I was saying?” Jared’s rough but yet sweet voice enters his ears and Jensen has to shake himself out of his musings. And no, he didn’t hear whatever Jared was saying, he was too caught up in figuring out once again how he could make this all stop, how and if he could ever quit Jared without dying on the spot because that’s what happens when someone’s ripping your heart out and this is exactly what losing Jared would do to him, it would shatter him without any chance of repair.  
  
“Jensen?” In the corner of his eye Jensen can see Jared standing up from his chair, slowly walking around the table and he’s coming so close to Jensen that he can almost smell Jared’s  sharp aftershave and the scent alone sends a pleasant shiver down Jensen’s spine.  
  
“You’re scaring me, man…” Jared is almost whispering and his voice is coming closer, too close for Jensen’s liking. Well, the sadistic side of him loves having Jared just a little too close, but he’s barely able to breathe anymore and if he’s not mistaken there’s a panic attack slowly starting to rise. His heart is beating so fast he’s sure Jared can not only see his chest heaving but can also hear his heart thumbing wildly in his chest. Maybe though, if he’s lucky, he’s just having a heart attack. Yeah, no, that would suck with Jared being a doctor and all that, the guy would know exactly what to do to bring Jensen back into this miserable life he’s living. He knows it is wrong, knows exactly how terrible those thoughts are, how so not okay it is to think about death being an easy way out, because he has to man up every single day and make sure his daughter knows he’ll always be around, will always pretend to be the happy daddy she deserves to have. It is so very tiresome though, always putting on a fake smile for her and if it wasn’t for her, Jensen would have given up a long time ago.  
  
Jensen can feel his body moving and not in a good way, waves of cold and then hot blood rushing through his veins and his head is spinning, he knows he’s shaking and if he doesn’t get his breathing under control he might hyperventilate and pass out. All of a sudden something wet covers his cheeks and he doesn’t even register what it is only that it slowly is replaced with something warm and soft. Words are spoken directly at him, but he can’t make out what they mean or if those are actual words. Jensen is too deep hidden inside his own head that there is nothing but fog clouding his brain and then his world slowly turns darker than it already is and soon into a very comforting and painless black and the last thing Jensen can think of is that hopefully this little slice of peace he can feel in this very moment will hold on forever.  
  
 *******  
  
Saying that Jared is worried or scared would be the most stupid understatement since understatements happened.  
  
One second everything seems to be okay with Jensen, well, not okay, he was pissed at first and then in something that the physician in Jared would likely describe as in shock but now it seemed like Jensen was crawling towards one hell of a panic attack.  
  
Jared feels like shit; an ass for bringing Tom back into Jensen’s life, even if was only a conversation. But fuck, he just needed to know. Now he wishes he wouldn’t have said anything at all.  
  
It’s like the last piece of life drained from Jensen’s face, his eyes cold and empty and he looked like he is hundreds of miles away. Just now did Jared realize that Jensen isn’t even listening to him, not registering that he’s still being spoken to and when Jared gets up from his chair he can see tears rolling down Jensen’s face. And this is just, no, not okay, not at all. This is not what Jared wanted to happen, this is so far from what Jared wanted. Jensen is totally out of it and the closer Jared steps towards his friend the more Jensen seems to lose it.  
  
Jared is crouching down in front of Jensen and he’s trying everything to calm him down; speaking softly to him and trying to get his attention, but Jensen won’t stop shaking. The tears won’t stop running and no matter how difficult it is for Jared to be so close he can’t help himself, he knows he has to do something and he carefully reaches out, slow and gently not to scare Jensen and cups his face to wipe away as many tears as possible with his thumb.  
  
It’s only getting worse after that and Jared is sure he didn’t do anything wrong, except for being an insensitive asshole about some stupid sentence Jensen had written down and throwing out accusations without any proof of them being correct whatsoever. But no, other than that Jared is sure he’s not doing any harm and this is why he can’t comprehend the state Jensen’s in and when the older man’s lids start to droop Jared knows exactly what’s coming next; has seen it happening so many times with his patients. Jensen’s body is sacking deeper into his chair and Jared is reaching out for Jensen’s arms just fast enough to catch him when he sees how fast the other man’s eyes roll back into his head and his body is giving up completely.  
  
Jared wants to panic and freak, because this is not just some patient; some routine he’s used to and knows how to handle, this is his friend _. His best friend_. And yes, shit, the man he’d most definitely die for if need be. Yet he knows better, knows he can’t lose control and has to stay focused. Deep down he knows that Jensen is perfectly healthy, his organs are as fine as ever. Sure, his liver might have suffered a little during his drinking the night before, but other than that there is nothing Jared should be too worried about.  The massive drinking Jensen had done last night led to a bitch of a hangover and now Jared had given him hell and crossed a line, pushed Jensen and he’s more than sure that this all is exactly the cause for Jensen’s blackout.  
  
There isn’t much he can do now, well there is a lot he has to do, but it’s not like Jared needs to call up at work and have them send an ambulance.  
  
He carefully lifts Jensen up and even though his friend lost some weight over the last few weeks and Jared’s built like a house Jensen is still heavy as shit but after a little struggle he manages to slide one arm under Jensen’s legs and the other under his shoulders to carry him upstairs. The steps are not as easy to take as it first seemed but eventually he makes it to the bedroom and lays Jensen down. Jared tucks Jensen’s feet under a few too many pillows to get his friend’s blood flow under control and back upwards before he leaves the bedroom to retrieve a few cold washcloths from the bathroom. Jared gently lifts up Jensen’s head and places a washcloth in his neck and two around his wrists. With the back of his hand he wipes away the sweat that’s still pooling from Jensen’s forehead.  
  
“I’m so sorry, Jen.” Jared whispers before he leans over Jensen once again and places a soft kiss on his temple.  
  
As a friend he is worried about Jensen, of course, but as a doctor he knows that all Jensen needs right now is a few hours of rest and quiet. To prove his theory he keeps checking his friend’s vitals every few minutes and he makes his relief audible by letting out a content sigh here and there.  
  
Half an hour later and Jared is back in his bedroom and the sight on his bed is tearing him apart. Jensen is thrashing his arms and legs back and forth, his head snapping left and right and it’s obvious that the older man is being tortured by what must be a nightmare. Jared can only hope that none of this is his fault, that he isn’t the reason why Jensen is once again reminded of his past. But standing there and looking at the battle Jensen is fighting is something Jared can’t and won’t handle.  
  
He does what he hopes won’t turn into regret later on, but he knows he has to keep Jensen calm and comfort him. Jared inhales a long shaky breath and closes his eyes for a few seconds before he walks around his bed and sits down on the edge; as close to Jensen as possible and takes his friend’s wrist in his bigger hand, his thumb drawing soothing circles over the back of Jensen’s hand and after what feels like hours, but has probably been only a couple minutes Jensen seems to calm down.  
  
Jared carefully pulls the comforter up again over Jensen’s stomach and then weighs his options. Either Jensen will wake up and freak out, smack him or welcome his sympathy but in the end Jared decides he does what every best friend would do in a situation like this. He settles himself behind Jensen and slowly pulls himself closer against Jensen’s back while wrapping his arms around the other man; his hand firmly pressed over Jensen’s heart and somewhere in Jared’s brain he let’s himself imagine for a few minutes that this is how he’d more than gladly want to fall asleep every night.  
  
Soon enough Jared dozes off with Jensen in his arms, both their breathing regulated and content. And if Jared accidently on purpose buries his face deeper in Jensen’s neck than actually necessary then he’ll blame it on the scientific fact that he can’t control his body while being asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

Jensen comes to slowly, not yet sure where he is or what happened. His lids fluttering against the few rays of sunshine coming through the curtains. It’s been a long time; years since he woke up with the feeling of being home and safe no matter the dull ache in his head.

 

A warm and silky soft blanket wrapped comfortable around him and the more his body is waking up the more he realizes that it’s not really a blanket but a body pressed against his back, strands of brown locks covering half his face, one arm sneaked around his shoulders and another hand laying lose on his belly, legs tangling together with even longer legs and a light snore so very close to his ear.

 

He knows he should be freaking out; fight and shove off whoever is invading his bed without his consent because no matter how much he drank the night before he wouldn’t ever bring anyone home; couldn’t take someone to his place even if he wanted to. Which he doesn’t, for one specific six foot four reason. And when his brain catches up on the fact that he really isn’t fighting against the furnace behind him he opens his eyes all the way to take in his surroundings and swallows hard when he sees the alarm clock on the bedside table. Twelve tiny Disney princesses smiling at him, the hour hand close to Ariel, indicating it’s almost noon and within seconds all memories from the morning come rushing in. Fear rushes through his system again when he thinks of his earlier conversation with Jared; how scared he was of the younger man’s questions, passing out and immediately his body stiffens and shoulders tense and just now does he understand and realize that it’s Jared who’s wrapped around him like it was the most normal of situations. As if it was okay to cover Jensen with his enormous frame.

 

Jensen wants to scream and flee. But he can’t; he is trapped between two strong arms. Whenever he tries so much as move an inch Jared stirs behind him, tightening his grip and mumbling in his ear. All he wants is to get out of there, he can’t be that close to Jared, his broken heart not capable of bearing more ache but his traitorous body is seeking more of the luxury that is being held by Jared. Part of him wants to stay in this position for the rest of forever if possible. Please and thank you. But the part of him still connected to reality and sanity knows if he dwells in the moment for too long it’s going to be hell for him to recover from the pain which will most definitely follow once Jared wakes and untangles himself from Jensen because this is nothing but accidental cuddling due to sleep.

 

But why is Jared in bed with him in the first place? A question Jensen can’t find an answer to. Sure Jared must have brought him upstairs somehow. _Somehow_. ‘ _Oh my God’_ , Jensen thinks. Jared must have carried him because he can’t remember walking upstairs and couldn’t he have just dumped him on the damn couch. Why on God’s earth would Jared lay down beside him. Behind him.

 

Though with Jared all around him his ability to reason is nonexistent and he’s sure he will regret his next move sooner or later. Probably as soon as Jared will open his eyes. But Jensen feels like a pathetic and desperate loser already so it’s almost a given to step right into the next soul crushing mistake when his limbs work on their own and he slowly turns around; ignoring the warmth spreading over his shirt-clad stomach from Jared’s hand. Once he manages to turn all the way he can feel Jared’s hand searching for hold again, big paw scanning his lower back for leverage and as soon as he finds whatever the hell his sleeping friend is looking for he holds on tight again; pulling and pushing Jensen flush against his chest and Jensen finds himself face to… chin with the younger man.

 

Before he can think better of it he wraps his own arm around Jared’s middle, holding on for dear life and for however long this moment will last. He should feel guilty for doing this without the other man knowing what’s happening; without Jared being aware of what he himself is doing but he can’t look past this incredible feeling of having Jared so close for once. Once is the magic keyword because he knows he won’t ever get the chance of holding on to his friend in such an intimate way again.

 

“…’s ok’y.” Jensen can hear Jared mumble and it’s obvious that he’s talking in his sleep and if Jensen wouldn’t be too concerned about feeling like a damn creep he’d admit it’s the cutest thing ever. “You’re safe.” Jared’s lips whisper against his forehead, a little clearly and more audible than his previous babbling.

 

If Jared only knew how safe Jensen really feels whenever he is around. Come to think of it, it really is alarming how protected Jensen feels with Jared. Jared is his hallowed ground and none of Jensen’s inner demons can reach him there. For the first time Jensen actually understands how much Jared must worry about him all the time. It’s bittersweet and hurts to know that even when he’s supposed to rest and gather some energy in his sleep he can’t because Jensen keeps fucking his life up and Jared is always there for him; left to pick up the pieces and get Jensen back on track.

 

Jensen buries his face deeper in Jared’s chest, praying to heaven and hell and everything in between that his friend won’t wake up when he inhales the sweet spicy soap lingering on Jared’s body. A small sob escapes Jensen’s mouth and no matter how much his heart is craving and enjoying this peaceful moment his bad conscience is coming back up to the surface. The little voice in his head tells him over and over again how wrong it is to get this temporary fix to fill the void of loneliness deep inside him by taking advantage of his sleeping friend.

 

For years he tried to tell himself that he doesn’t want any physical contact with a man again, convinced he neither needs nor appreciates it. Fact is he wants it more than anything. Just not with anyone. Jared is the only person he could ever trust enough to let close but he has also learned it the hard way that he can’t ever have what he wants.

 

“Wanna tell me about him?” A broken voice disturbs the quiet and it takes Jensen a moment to catch on and immediately his body tenses up even more. He didn’t pay attention to Jared’s breathing, sure he felt the light puffs of air but he didn’t know his friend has been waking up.

 

It feels like hours passed before Jensen shakes his head, not able to form words much less being able to answer Jared’s question properly. Because how could he? He can’t just blurt out that there is nothing he could tell him about the man he’s so head over heels in love with that the younger man doesn’t already know; Jared knows himself best after all.  He wonders why Jared isn’t freaking out over the position they’re laying in or if Jared simply doesn’t care because he’s always been a handsy kind of person. And stubborn. Handsy and stubborn describes Jared best with no care for personal space. So for Jared it must be a normal thing to do to just up and cuddle like this with his best friend. But Jared’s shaking hand on his back are proof that maybe he’s not as comfortable as he pretends to be.

 

“D-Do you love him?” Jared asks and his voice is nervous, on edge and shaky. Again, Jensen only nods and another sob leaves his throat. Before he can say anything else though Jared carefully untangles himself from Jensen and he wants to groan in frustration at the sudden loss of warmth and comfort but his friend takes his face in both of his hands and looks down at him and when their eyes meet Jensen could swear there is hurt and unshed tears in the younger man’s eyes.

 

“Then why the sadness? Don’t you think you deserve to be happy, Jen?”

 

Jensen has to swallow, hard and loud at the question, he tries his best not to stare at Jared and his eyes travel up and down the other man’s face. It’s not that he doesn’t think he deserves at least some happiness, it’s Jared he believes he doesn’t deserve.

 

“He… he doesn’t k-know.” Jensen doesn’t dare to look at him when he speaks up, afraid Jared might be able to see right through him and this is something he won’t risk. Losing Jared and their friendship would break him into million pieces. “I can’t tell him. He wouldn’t… I can’t. He deserves better than me.”

 

“Now you listen to me, Jen. A person who deserves better than you doesn’t; never did and never will exist. Any guy in their right mind would be lucky to have you and if this guy can’t see this then it’s _him_ who doesn’t deserve _you_ and not the other way around. For once in your life you should go and risk something. Of course there’s the possibility of him not returning your feelings but that just means he’s either blind or stupid. Or both.”

 

Jared is looking at him with so much affection, so much care in each and every word that Jensen is about to melt away. “You make it sound so easy.” He can hear himself mumble while he forces his body into a sitting position; still in a need to just run and get as far away as possible from Jared.

 

“Oh Jen, love isn’t supposed to be easy and sometimes….” Jensen can feel the bed dipping when Jared sits up and with a light thud props himself up against the headboard, “sometimes love hurts so much you feel like you’re dying but it’s still worth the risk because once you’ve found this one special person to share this great love with the hurt and labor it takes will morph into pleasure and joy.”

 

Jensen can only shake his head in disagreement, there’s no such thing as pleasure or joy when it comes to love. At least not in his experience and his feelings for the younger man are just another sign of how fucked up love really is and he winces at the thought of how bad of a person he must have been in a previous life if this is his punishment.

 

“Jensen, I get it, I really do. Don’t think I haven’t been where you’re at right now. But I know first hand how difficult it is to open up and take this step. I want you to be happy, you and Lilly and if this guy-“

 

“Lilly?” Jensen scrunches his brows in confusion.

 

“Well, yeah.” Jared snorts. “You’re a package deal and it’s not only your heart that needs to be won, am I right?”

 

Oh. Right. Not that Jensen doesn’t know this but he never had to think about Lilly when it comes to Jared because he knows just how much his baby girl means to the younger man, how deeply he adores her and the feeling is mutual. Not a day goes by without Lilly talking about her uncle Jay and Jensen is more than certain that his daughter would burst out crying tears of joy if Jared would be more than just her friend and uncle. He’s sure about it because when she started talking and understood just how to use words she would ask Jensen if Jared was her other daddy. It broke his heart to tell her that no, he isn’t and it would always take him hours to get his emotions under control again.

 

“He loves her. Very much so.” He answers and when he turns around to look at Jared he’s left wondering why his friend seems to be disappointed.

 

“That’s… Jensen, that’s good. I’m sure I’d have to kill him if he doesn’t appreciate and cherish tea parties with my little princess.”

 

“Jared, shut up. Please just stop, okay?” Jensen lets his face fall into his hands, rubbing his temples furiously and the ragged and surprised gasp from Jared has him realize that he just snapped at his friend for no apparent reason – at least on Jared’s end of the conversation. “I’m sorry. I-I just… I can’t talk to you about this.” He adds before he slowly gets up from the bed. There’s no way in hell he’s going to stay there any longer, he can’t even look at Jared without tearing up like a girl.

 

“Come on now, you’re just leaving? I thought we’re friends, why don’t you trust me?” Jared’s voice is strained and pleading and Jensen doesn’t even have to turn around to see that Jared is getting up as well.

 

“We are and I do, but some things are better left unsaid. Believe me, it’s better this way.”

 

“What the fuck’s that supposed to mean? It’s not about Tom, you told me so earlier but then who is this guy that leaves you suffering like this, huh? Tell me! Because if you loving him means you won’t even talk to your best friend then I’m sorry, but he’s an asshole.”

 

The anger and hurt in Jared’s voice is almost too much and Jensen’s shoulders tense in fear and panic at the outburst but he also feels defeated and lost. Before his brain to mouth filter starts working he can hear himself whisper “…you’re not,” and squeezes his eyes shut, hoping that nobody but he himself heard these words leaving his mouth.

 

“I’m not what?”

 

Shit. So much for that.

 

“Nothing, Jay. I-I gotta go. I gotta pick up my daughter from daycare.”

 

“No you don’t. Not for another three hours at least. So spill, what am I not?”

 

“An asshole, Jared.”

 

“Well hell, thanks, that’s good to know. I don’t think I can follow you though because we’re not talking about me here. I said the guy you’re in love with is an asshole for making you this upset.”

 

Jensen finally turns around and leans against the closed door, his eyes still closed and his head hanging low. It was now or never and if he was honest with himself he knows that he can’t keep this up any longer; he was going crazy sooner or later and in the split second when his brain tells him that there’s nothing left to lose he takes a deep breath before speaking slowly and very quiet. “You’re not an asshole.”

 

Minutes are passing by where neither one is saying a word before Jensen is startled by a sharp inhaling breath coming from Jared. Seems like he finally caught on to what Jensen was trying to tell him.

 

“M-Me? You’re saying you… No. Jensen, you’re kidding, right? Just… No. Okay. You don’t mean that. You’re lying.”

 

_Fuck._ He knew it wouldn’t end well if he ever told Jared but he never expected it to be this bad. Jared seems mad and it takes all of Jensen’s willpower to look at Jared.

 

“I can’t believe this.” Jared keeps chanting over and over with his arms flailing wildly, hands rubbing over his face and brushing through his hair as if reality would change if he’d just pull his locks hard enough.

 

“Sorry. Jay… Jared, I’m so sorry. Maybe I should, uh, yeah… I should go. Don’t worry about it, okay? If it’s any consolation… I really wish I wasn’t in lo--- it wouldn’t be like this, but, uh. Sorry.” Jensen knew all along the rejection would come but it still hurts more than he could have ever imagined. If a few minutes ago he thought he wouldn’t have anything left to lose then he definitely knows better now. He’s lost everything; he lost Jared and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out this is something he won’t ever recover from. It feels like the world is darkening around him and he can only pray it’s one big ass black hole trying to swallow him because the ache in his chest is worse than any physical pain he ever endured. Yet there is nothing he can do to make it go away and better again; all he can do now is leave this part of his life behind and try to survive in these waters of loneliness without the buoy that was Jared.

 

“Where do you think you’re going?” Jared practically shouts at him while stepping closer and all Jensen can do is shrink further into his shoulders.

 

“Leaving, of course. Before I humiliate myself any further and the last piece of my dignity flies out of the window as well.” He growls at the younger man in frustration and really, did Jared think it was easy to just stay there and wait until he would start laughing at Jensen.

 

“No, you’re not. You can’t drop a bomb like this and then walk out on me.”

 

Everything happens so fast after Jared’s last statement that it takes Jensen a few long moments to see and feel what’s happening. Jared has him pressed flush against the door, his lower back screaming at him to get away from the doorknob but all Jensen can really focus on are Jared’s lips devouring his own lips in a brutal kiss, huge hands holding his face in place and the warm wet heat around his mouth turn his legs into noodles and it’s only Jared’s body pressed against his that’s keeping him upright.

 

“What are you… doing?” Jensen asks when he slowly pushes Jared back.

 

Oh God. He just kissed Jared. No, wrong, Jared had kissed him, or tried to eat him. But why? Thousands of scenarios play in Jensen's head and the only logical explanation he comes up with is that for some fucked up reason Jared probably thinks he's obligated to kiss him. Jensen feels debouched, his throat so closed up he can barely breathe. Jared is only staring at him, his chest heaving like he ran a marathon and when he's trying to lean in again Jensen panics and pushes him further away. He can't do this and Jared shouldn't have kissed him. This feels like dying a slow and torturous death because he knows that no matter what Jared's reason is for kissing him it'll never be the same as it is for Jensen. Jared hasn't dated in a while, or never. Jensen isn't really sure because he has always been careful to never hint into a direction that would give him any information on Jared's love life, it would have hurt too much to see Jared with someone else. And he's grateful the younger man never brought the subject up either.  
  
That's probably what this whole screwed up mess is all about. Jared didn't get laid in a while and Jensen was just convenient enough... and there for the taking. He feels guilty just thinking these contemptible thoughts about a man he loves; a man he trusts more than anyone else ever before in his life... a man whom without Jensen wouldn't be alive anymore.  
  
"D-Don't.... don't touch me." Jensen says with command, his flat palm still against Jared's chest and when he feels the solid muscles under his hand shift he pulls away; feels his fingers burn by the small contact.  
  
Jensen doesn't know what he's doing until he perceives that his feet are dragging him away. In the distance he can hear Jared calling out for him but he ignores it and keeps running.  
  
He doesn't know how he made it back to his place or how much time has passed but when he checks his watch he pulls himself together as good as he can manage and makes his way to the daycare center. There is a huge hollow in his heart and a feeling of unimaginable loss clouds his soul but he has to be strong; for his daughter. Lilly will expect him to smile, to be the daddy she deserves. "I can do this," he keeps telling himself.  
  
And true to his own words he feels some relief when he finds himself wrapped up in tiny arms, attached to his happy and giggling baby girl.  
  
"Whoa there, sweetheart. Missed me, huh? What are you so stoked about?"  
  
He picks Lilly up, both her legs wrapped around his middle and her hands holding on to his shoulders and she slowly pulls her face out of from under his chin. "You never picked me up _with_ uncle Jay." She beams at him and looks around only to frown at him when she can't find the man who was supposed to pick her up today.  
  
"I'm sorry munchkin, Jared couldn't make it, he... he has to work." Jensen hates lying to his daughter but it's not like he has any other choice. He gives her a kiss on the cheek and promises her to get some ice cream as soon as they're leaving. The change of subject works. For now.  
  
He needs to figure out what to tell Lilly, how he can explain that Jared won't be around anymore. It will break her heart, he's sure. But she's still so young maybe she'll be able to forget.  
  
Jensen talks to Lilly's teacher for the time Lilly needs to get dressed.  
  
"She's a smart one and we're sad to see her go, but it's about time she starts pre-school soon." The teacher, Mrs. Mosley, tells him and he's always filled with pride when people compliment his little Ms. Smartypants.  
  
"Yeah, she's really excited but I'm sure she'll bug me to bring her back for visits." He sighs, not sure why. But the little chat keeps him distracted.  
  
"Mr. Ackles, you alright? You look a little pale around the nose." Mrs. Mosley has always been observant and somewhat of a mother hen, not only with her protégés but also with their parents. She's got charm and twice as much wit and doesn't take shit from nobody, yet she always knows how to stop her tongue when the kids are around.  
  
"Just too much work and not enough rest." He says with a fake smile and surely she doesn't buy his bullshit. Instead she pats him on the arm and squeezes it for a short second.  
  
"You're a terrible liar, boy." And there's the mother in her speaking again, her eyes covered with worry and something like pity.  
  
"I'll be alright." This time the smile he sends her is genuine and she nods at him understandingly. Yeah, not only Lilly will miss good ol' Mrs. Mosley when his daughter will leave daycare within the next couple of weeks.

~~~•~~~

  
  
Jensen doesn't know how he survived the last two weeks, he looks exactly like he feels; terrible and drained, but he did survive because one thing is for certain: Lilly needs him. Now so more than ever. Not a day goes by without her asking if and when Jared will come to visit her, to pick her up and go to the playground. She's missing him like a limb and it breaks Jensen's heart when she cries herself to sleep. She's afraid Jared doesn't love her anymore but Jensen tries his best to assure her that Jared will always love her.  
  
Two days ago Jared had last tried to call him, just one out of many phone calls, texts and voicemail messages Jensen ignored and deleted without listening to whatever the other man might have to say. Seems like Jared finally understood that Jensen doesn't want to talk to him much less about what happened. He won't ever get over the younger man, can't just fall out of love or forget he ever existed but he will try every damn thing possible to make it to the next day without falling apart. Maybe someday he'll even stop being a sobbing mess when his lips tingle as if they purposely want to remind him how soft and sweet Jared tasted, how warm his tongue felt against his own.  
  
"Daddy, can we go to the post office today?" Lilly pulls him out of his thoughts. He's grateful for it yet his hand leaves his daughter’s hair for a moment to brush over his bottom lip, chasing a taste he had the luxury of having once. And never again.  
  
Lilly turns around and looks at him expectantly while he tries to braid her hair and fails. As usual.  
  
"I drew a picture for uncle Jared and we really really need to send it to him. Maybe he doesn’t remember me anymore." Her lower lip is pushing forward and for a short moment he wants to hate Jared for teaching her the perfect pout with which she will get anything she wants. But this time he has to be consequent. Or something.  
  
"Munchkin, Jared hasn't forgotten about you. He's just really busy."  
  
Lilly's eyes glisten with unshed tears and he scoops her up and tugs her against his chest. "How about you show me the drawing and I'll see what I can do?" He asks her, not really sure if he actually wants to do anything. Lilly hiccups a barely audible 'okay' and wiggles out of his hold until Jensen lets her down again.  
  
As soon as Lilly runs off to her room Jensen sweeps his hand over his face and takes a deep breath to calm himself down.  
  
The drawing shouldn't take him by surprise but the tears in his eyes tell a whole other story. It’s clearly visible how much she still hasn’t improved her skills when it comes to anything that has to do with coloring or drawing a simple human. She prefers to write down the ABC over and over again, scrabbles numbers on every piece of paper. But this time it looks like she put her all in a drawing. There it is, Jared’s house in all it’s glory – or at least that’s what it’s supposed to be – Lilly even got the painting right, same color of the windows; door and she didn’t even miss the crooked mailbox that Jared never bothered to fix. If looking at the house wasn’t painful enough she made sure to not miss the most important parts: all three of them. She drew herself in her favorite baby blue dress [Jared told her she would look like Cinderella in it] and next to her left is Jared; Jensen on the right.

 

If he would have the guts to actually hand Jared the picture he would die of humiliation. He can imagine the younger man laughing at his pathetic attempt of winning Jared over by using Lilly. Yeah, no, he won't give Jared the picture. And here he is again, lying to his daughter and telling her he'll send it to her favorite uncle. Jensen even lets Lilly talk him into putting the drawing in an envelope and stamp it before she skips happily away to squish it in his backpack which she knows he'll grab before they head out.  
  
Lilly's good mood is only restored until they arrive at the daycare center and she is again reminded of this being her last day here. Next week she'll finally start pre-school and it's a bittersweet moment, not only because she is growing way too fast for Jensen's liking but also because he always thought they would share this milestone with Jared.  
  
He sighs in frustration on his drive to work, it's like no matter what he does, says or where he goes Jared is always present even though he is not even there.

 

His first two hours at work are going slow, the Physiotherapist’s office is never really crowded on Fridays and usually he likes it that way but during the last two weeks he wished he’d get patient after patient to massage flex and torture; how some of them describe his work. While he’s on his first break and about to get some coffee another thought hits him and he wonders if he’s willing to stay in the city, maybe it would be best to move away because sure the city is huge but when he once thought it was a great idea to live close to Jared’s house he now wishes he’d live at the other end of town.

 

After he finishes his coffee and walks back to the front desk to check with the receptionist when his next patient is due to be in he spots Sandy in the waiting area. She’s engrossed in one of the glossy magazines and Jensen does his best not get her attention, which is stupid because he can guess why she’s here.

 

“Ms. Sandra McCoy called about half an hour ago, thinks she pinched a nerve in her lower back and the way she limped in I’d say you pay extra attention to her sciatic nerve. Hope you don’t mind me wrangling her in, but everyone else has a patient in already.” The receptionist tells him and Jensen nods and tells her to send Sandy in his office.

 

“Come on in.” He says with a shaky voice when he hears the knock on his door and either Sandy really did damage some nerve in her back or she’s one hell of a good actress.

 

“Hey Jen.” She greets him shyly and her face doesn’t give anything away so he just leaves it at that.

 

“Sandy. Good to see you.” He’s getting really good at this whole lying thing. Maybe _he_ should consider acting. He walks over to her and hugs her briefly. “Patricia says you pinched a nerve?” He asks and motions for her to get on the examination table.

 

“Yeah, my nerves are pinched alright. Wait, let me think about this for a second,” she straightens her back and walks perfectly pain-free to the examination table and jumps up to sit down, “I don’t think there’s a single fucking nerve left in my damn body because Jared is calling me every two hours and if he’s not calling he shows up at the motel after each shift and wants to know if I’ve heard anything from you. And in case you missed it, we all tried to reach out to you. You wanna tell me why you’re ignoring everyone?”

 

Great. Jensen shakes his head and pulls the stool from underneath the table to sit because he knows Sandy and if she demands answers she won’t leave you alone until she gets them.

 

“I’m sure Jared told you everything there is to know. And since this seems to be the only reason why you’re here I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave.”

 

“Sorry, not gonna happen. Jared is running himself sick with worry and no, he didn’t tell me shit. Which is a new one for him. Did you guys have a fight?”

 

Jensen snorts at that. Because a fight he could handle easily. “Far from it. Look, Sandy, I don’t wanna talk about it, okay?” And he really can’t. All he wants is to forget and move on.

 

“No, you will tell me what the mighty hell happened. Jared won’t talk, you won’t talk. Sorry, but I can’t take this any longer. I’m not sure what crawled up your ass and died but you better straighten this… whatever it is you did to Jared, because I’m not sure how much longer he can go on without losing it completely.” Sandy shoots off the table and growls, really growls in his face and Jensen can only flinch in fear. She is a tiny one, but fierce and Jensen learned early on to never mess with her.

 

“I didn’t do anything to him, okay? I’m not the one who… who… and then I ran, I couldn’t.”

 

“There isn’t a lick of sense in what you just said. Spill it, English words please.”

 

“He kissed me.” Jensen can’t hide the hurt in his voice even if he wanted to. The kiss was all he ever wanted and yet it was never meant to be, not under such circumstances.

 

“What?” She squeaks and all of a sudden her face changes from worry to sunshine and then her eyes move back and forth and it seems like she’s thinking the conversation over before her face falls again. “Wait. He wouldn’t do that. Why did he kiss you? I mean I know why he would want--- uhm, why?” Her nervous lip biting isn’t unnoticed by Jensen.

 

“I told him something I shouldn’t have said and I was stupid for doing so and what do you mean by what he wants?” Now it’s Jensen’s turn to be confused. He pinches the bridge of his nose and he’s so not in the mood for the headache that’s about to annoy him.

 

“Kiss you, you idiot. You ever spared a single thought on why Jay is always asking ‘how high’ when you say jump or the way he looks at you when you’re not looking or how about the fact that he makes the world around him stop spinning only to spend a single minute with you and Lilly? Maybe, just maybe there is a reason why he kissed you and whatever you said to him must have fucked up his brain so badly he couldn’t hold it any longer?”

 

Jensen stared at her, his mouth agape and he was waiting for Sandy to throw pellets at him.

 

“I ran.” Is all he can choke out and very slowly he really starts feeling like the idiot Sandy accused him of being.

 

“And broke his heart on your way out. What the fuck did you say to him, Jensen?”

  
“No, Sandy. You don’t understand. He was shocked, called me a liar. Jared doesn’t want… no.”

 

Sandy is furious now, her smaller hand on Jensen’s chest and he couldn’t get up from his chair without knocking her over, she’s looking down at him, nostrils flaring. “What.Did.You.Say?” She says with a feral voice and marks every word with a stab of her index finger to his chest.

 

“That I l-love him. I might have, somehow, accidently, told him that I’m in love with him.”

 

“Wow.” Sandy takes a step back until her butt hits the examination table and she has to hold on to it and for some reason all color is leaving her face. “This is like a gay-romantic remake of Dumb & Dumber. Jensen, why did you run?” There is so much concern in her voice and Jensen is still not really sure of what’s happening, everything is foggy and spinning.

 

“Because he was so shocked, Sandy you should have seen him, there was so much disbelief in his eyes and then he just kissed me. And I don’t know why.”

 

“You really are an idiot. Jen, of course he was shocked. The guy is in love with you, has been since he first laid eyes on you. All these years I had to listen to his whining, witness his moping and pining. Jared knew he would never have a chance with you but he always said that he would cope; your friendship basically all that kept him going. And you ran…”

 

Every little word from Jared, every emotion he ever showed, everything he’s done in the past, it all starts clicking together like a puzzle and his chest tightens when his last conversation with his shrink comes back to him.

 

* * *

 

 

  
**"It's a teething ring. What's that supposed to mean?" He had asked his shrink.**

  
**"Mhm. Almost correct. What kind of teething ring is it though?"**

  
**"The kind you store in the fridge."**

**"Good. Good, Jensen. You bought one of those for Lillian when she was teething, why didn't you get a regular teething ring, they're just as good as any."**

**"Jared said I might need to get her one of those teething rings that you put in the fridge because they are supposed to be better."**

**"Jensen, you've told me this story many times and this is _not_  what he said. I know you remember his  _exact_  words by heart. Please repeat them for me again."**

**"He said ‘ _we might need to get her one of those teething rings that you put in the fridge_....' so what does it matter?!"**

**"That's for you to find out."**

 

* * *

 

_We._ That was the keyword. Dr.  Ferris had them both figured out a long time ago. Once Jensen got going he told her everything, every little detail about their friendship; about Jared. She knew that there was more behind Jared’s actions than just plain friendship but she never said anything, wanted him to see it for himself and not if but when he was ready to see. He was such an idiot.

 

“I’m such an idiot.” He says more to himself than to Sandy. “So stupid.”

 

Sandy giggles, literally giggles. “A fault confessed is half redressed.”

 

“What, oh my God, what am I going to do now? Sandy, what am I doing now?” There it is again, panic. According to Sandy Jared must have suffered just as much as he has and there’s no way the younger man will ever forgive him.

 

“Go get your man.” She suggests with a shrug and when Jensen can only stare at her in fear of what might come out of it she holds her hands up in surrender, “or you can just stay here and pull your pretty hair out while you think about all the what ifs.”

 

“He loves me?” Jensen needs to ask again, still not able to comprehend all of it.

 

“Jared worships the ground you’re walking on, yes, dummy, he loves you.”

 

Jensen takes a look to his feet, the floor around them and back up at Sandy. “Metaphorically speaking.” She adds with a snort.

 

“I should, uh, really, I need to- Sandy, can you maybe… Lilly, I’m supposed to pick her up at 2pm.”

 

Sandy rolls her eyes at him and smirks. “Well, duh. So you gonna go get your boy now or what?”

 

“Sounds like a plan.” He’s nodding so hard he’s afraid his neck might snap. He’s almost out of his office when he turns around, “Sandy?” She beams at him, her face nothing but a huge smile, “…thank you.”

 

“Just go already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Graphic in this chapter by the amazing Tess (travellerintime.tumblr.com / sisterofsin @LJ)


	8. Chapter 8

**~~~•~~~**

 

Jared is a mess, he didn't sleep in days, his eyes are red and swollen, his beard growing without mercy and he degraded himself to work a desk job because he's sure he'd kill someone with his shaking hands if he so much as tried to apply a band aid.  
  
He doesn't understand what's going on or what happened, all he is aware of is that his best friend, the guy he loves with all his heart told him what Jared had dreamed of hearing so many times. He was taken by surprise and shocked -in a positive way- that he acted on pure instinct and kissed Jensen to an inch of his life. And then everything went to shit, Jensen ran away and ignores him ever since. Two days ago he threw his cell across the room and it shattered on the kitchen tiles. That was when he figured it must be sign from above to give up hope; completely, Jensen won't ever speak to him again.  
  
He should have known that kissing Jensen was stupid, that the other man is afraid of any physical and intimate contact. And now he couldn't even explain why he did it, why his body took over and made its own decision when he all but attacked Jensen's mouth. He misses him so deeply that there's nothing but a big black hole left underneath his ribs. And Lilly, he's longing for her carefree smiles, her loud and infectious laughter is still present in his ears.  
  
Even if it was nothing but his wishful thinking it still feels like he has lost his own little family, a child that was never his to begin with but who he loved more than he thought was possible and a man he nevertheless believes to be his soul mate. It wounds him deep to know that Jensen loves him yet doesn't want him. Even more upsetting for him is how much he frightened his friend and definitely scared him away for good.

 

To top all this crap it seems like Jensen is planning more than only moving on. Okay, Jared might have developed some stalker tendencies, but still, he had reasons when he called at Jensen’s work place – only to be informed that he isn’t working there anymore. It was a feeling of being slapped and if it wasn’t for Lilly he would’ve shown up at Jensen’s apartment each and every single day. It wouldn’t have done him any good to waltz up there and demand a conversation; it’s bad enough that he scared Jensen but the last thing he wanted was to look like a psycho in front of the little girl.

 

It was a lost cause and nothing left for him to do other than trying to get from one day to the next.

 

**~~~•~~~**

 

“In through your nose, out through your mouth. Just breathe.” Jensen tells himself at least a bazillion times, or more, considering he’s standing on Jared’s door step for at least twenty minutes by now and still not sure if he should ring the door bell or knock or better yet just leave again. The house seems quiet, not a peep coming through the closed front door. His heart is racing a mile per minute and he’s got no clue what he’s supposed to do –besides the obvious, of course.

 

The first time he knocks on the door he startles himself, obviously unaware of his own action and then flinches when he can hear some drawers being thrown closed with a loud bang. Maybe it’s not a good time and he should just come back on another day. Right, as if he’d have the courage again.

 

The second knock isn’t so surprising anymore but now it’s quiet again inside. Jensen sighs deeply and lets his head hang low before he decides to knock one last time and surprisingly enough the door swings open and he’s greeted with something that looks just a little like Jared and more like a yeti who’s interrupted in his hibernation.

 

“Wha--- Jen.” Jared blinks at him, furrowing his brows and opens his mouth again but decides against speaking after all.

 

“H-Hi.” Yep, good start. Jensen can be proud of himself. He’s been a blind idiot the last two weeks [plus a few years] so it’s an improvement to squawk out the most overused greeting on the planet.

 

“Jen. You’re, uhm, why are you here? _You’re here.”_ Jared’s knuckles turn a painful white on the door frame and his voice is as broken as Jensen has never heard it before.

 

“Lilly misses you. She wants me to give you this.” Jensen fumbles with his backpack for a second before he fishes out the envelope that holds Lilly’s drawing.

 

Jared swallows hard and Jensen does not trace the bop of his Adam’s apple with his eyes. Nope.

 

“Oh. Okay. I miss her too.” He takes the envelope from Jensen’s hand and is very careful not to touch Jensen. He opens it in front of him and he wishes he wouldn’t because he’s afraid of what Jared’s reaction to the picture might be.

 

Jensen watches him closely when he looks at the drawing and the tears that fall from Jared’s eyes are almost strong enough to rip out his heart.

 

“Thank you, for bringing me this. Can you, I mean, could you tell her I love her?” Jared doesn’t look at him and Jensen can see just how much it pains him to keep it together.

 

“How about you tell her that, yourself?” Jensen smiles at him, weakly, but still. The question gets Jared’s full attention.

 

“You mean I could see her some time?” Jensen nods at him, still a light smile covering his face. “Jen, she’s not my… uh, and you don’t have to do this but I appreciate it. You know how much I love the kid.”

 

“Jared, can we talk? About what happened.”

 

Jensen is surprised to see Jared moving aside to let him in and there is so much tension between them Jensen is about to lose it and just flee again. But he knows he has to do this, he probably won’t get another chance of having what he wants, of happiness being a part of his life for once.

 

“I’m sorry. Jared, I’m so sorry.”

 

“About what exactly?”

 

“My behavior, for starters. Me running away, without giving you the chance of explaining some important things to me.”

 

Jared is just as skittish as Jensen and he can only hope that the yeti in front of him will work with him here, that not only Jensen has to do the talking because he doesn’t know where to start or to end and it’s such a nervous situation for both of them Jensen can feel the blood in his veins beginning to boil.

 

“Sandy came by today and told me something I should’ve and would’ve rather heard from you, but I was an idiot and yeah, there’s that.”

 

While Jared won’t move an inch and is still a nervous wreck with his back against the now again closed door Jensen slowly makes his way into the room.

 

“W-What did she say?” Jared stumbles over his words and then over his feet when he follows him.

 

“You tell me. And please do so before I’m making a bigger fool out of myself than I’ve already done.”

 

Yep, Jensen is about to get crushed, maybe it was just some fucked up game Jared is playing and used Sandy to get back at Jensen for running out on him, but then again he looks exactly like Sandy had told him he is feeling. Humiliation starts building in him again the longer Jared keeps quiet and doesn’t confirm what their friend said.

 

“Jared, what I told you, I never wanted you to know, I mean I did but I didn’t and this makes no sense, I know that. But I have no idea what to think here, yet it’s true. Everything I said is true and I’m not here to take it back, can’t take it back because then I’d be lying and ---“

 

“Me too.” Jared whispers, his face hidden behind his unruly hair.

 

“Jay, if this is some twisted joke…”

 

Jared huffs in defeat and walks around Jensen to take a seat on the couch and it’s not unnoticed by Jensen how much the younger man is shaking.

 

“I think I’ve been in love with you from the moment I first saw you, or well, when I found you sitting on that bench outside the hospital, lost and hurt and then, I don’t know, you were bitching and cussing and annoyed with me, yet I knew I couldn’t let you go. Still can’t.” Tears cover Jared’s eyes and Jensen can’t see anything but pure honesty and for the first time he understands all the other emotions in Jared’s tone, in his eyes… love. It has always been there, but Jensen never took a closer look until now.

 

“Back in the hospital your stupid dimples were messing with me and you kept bothering me, showing up in my room like you were the damn nurse and no matter how many times I told you to fuck off you always came back, smiling and encouraging me. And when I showed up here with Lilly that night, when you let us move in without even thinking twice about it… Why the fuck did you never say anything?” Jensen’s voice turns harsh without him meaning it to be hurtful.

 

“I could ask you the same damn question.”

 

“We’re morons, aren’t we?” Jensen tries to smile through the disappointment in himself. The disappointment of both men being unaware of the other man’s feelings for all these years.

 

“I’m sorry I kissed you, Jensen. No, that’s no, I’m not sorry about kissing you but how it happened. I should’ve thought it through beforehand and I just did what I thought was the right thing to do and I shouldn’t have. Not like this. I couldn’t help it though. At first I was shocked, then surprised and before I could say anything you were gone.”

 

“Not going to leave again, Jay.” Jensen whispers, worrying his bottom lip before he finally builds up enough courage to sit down next to Jared on the couch; hating all the space that’s between them. “Unless you want me to go.” He says and even though he should now know that Jared won’t want him to leave there’s still a huge amount of angst rushing through him.

 

“Never.” And Jensen barely hears it because all the blood is rushing through his ears and his heart pounding rapidly in his chest when he sees Jared facing him, inching closer very slowly. Jensen doesn’t even try to speak up again only prays that Jared is about to do what he wishes so much for to happen.

 

When their lips finally meet it’s very tentatively at first, both unsure and so obviously new to each other. Their first kiss two weeks ago was too hurried, an attack that happened in the heat of the moment but this time it’s anything but. All their emotions whirl into the soft touch and their hunger for each other evident in little gasps escaping them. Jensen doesn’t want to think of his past, not in a moment like this but he can’t help remember that kissing someone has never been like this for him, a tender sweep of so many promises instead of rough and painful demands. For the first time in his life he’s coming home. Every nip and experimental lick of Jared’s tongue against the seam of his lips mending the broken pieces of his heart.

 

Never did he want anything more than the feeling of belonging to someone with his body and soul; _belonging to_ _Jared_ like this.

 

Jared’s hands slowly find their way to Jensen’s neck, cupping it carefully, still unsure of how far Jensen will allow their physical contact to go but the need to be close is overwhelming.

 

“We should… shouldn’t go too fast.” Jared breathes against Jensen’s lips, the lack of air forcing him to let go of Jensen for as long as it takes him to get these few words out.

 

“Four years isn’t exactly fast.” Jensen says and can’t help to frown at the thought of all the time they have wasted because neither of them opened up to the other one. And with a little more confidence than before he moves closer to the younger man, their thighs and knees bumping against another and Jensen can’t handle all the distance between them, can’t fathom the idea of being further than a couple of inches away from Jared and without thinking twice or giving Jared time to protest he swings his leg over Jared’s lap, straddling him before he leans down to kiss him again, more thorough this time, his tongue asking to sneak between spit slick lips and surprisingly enough Jared doesn’t seem to mind. Even more so, Jared opens his mouth in eager pleasure, letting Jensen learn and taste him.

 

Warmth is spreading through Jensen, his body reacting to the intimacy in a way he didn’t think was possible anymore. All the sensations of having Jared’s hard muscles underneath him are staggering, his jeans all of a sudden too tight and he’s more than perplexed of the solid reaction his body is forcing on him. So many fantasies, dirty little scenarios he had played in his head and never did he get past half hard, it was never enough to get him satisfaction and now he’s only kissing the man who holds his heart and everything below the belt is screaming at him, begging him to find release, to be freed and touched. Jensen is too scared to voice any of this to Jared, afraid of speaking about his needs. In the past he has never been allowed to say what he wanted or demand wishes. All he was authorized to do has been pleasing, but never be pleased. Jensen had to hold still and take what was given to him, and he never dared to back-talk when he was left unsatisfied after offering his body on a silver platter.

 

Now though he has to believe that Jared is different, hell, he knows Jared wouldn’t ever hurt him, will never use Jensen as a punching bag when he messes up. He uses exactly this little piece of faith when his hips work their way deeper down on Jared’s lap, his almost painful erection now so close against Jared’s crotch.

 

Their lips are still sealed tightly together, neither of them willing to let go unless a breath is necessary to take. A bolt of fear runs through him when he feels that Jared is just as worked up as him, their hard dicks rubbing together through fine layers of denim. Jared moans into the kiss, grunts without a care of how loud he is when Jensen is searching for more of this delicious friction. The heat pooling along his waist isn’t only his own, Jared’s heat and every shiver coming from the younger man mixes with his own and soon their kissing becomes secondary, the urgency to pay more attention to their dicks leaving them rutting their hips together.

 

“Jen, let’s…”

 

“…move this to your bedroom and get naked.” He finishes without hesitation but can still feel his cheeks flame up dark red.

 

“Actually… oh God, I wanted to say stop. Let’s, Jen, don’t you think we should talk about all this?”

 

Jensen stills his hips and pulls back a little, his body trembling and legs almost numb.

 

“No? Can’t we talk later?”

 

“I don’t know. But we just… you know, you didn’t talk to me for two weeks and now we’re here and if we hurry things it might… Jen, I’m scared.”

 

Jared’s face turns serious, concern clouding his features but Jensen knows exactly what the other man is talking about. It’s consoling to see that they’re both on the same page. Because damn, Jensen has never been scared more than he is right now. And he was scared to death many times in his life before. But this is Jared, it’s them and whatever they do now will affect both of their lives in the future.

 

“You and me both. I don’t even know where we’re going from here, all I know is that I want this. I want you, Jared. Wanted you for so long.”

 

“Jen, I don’t wanna drag you into something you might not be comfortable with, something you’re not ready for.”

 

Jared strokes his knuckles over Jensen’s cheek, worry paining him and Jensen leans down again to kiss all the irritation and concern out of Jared.

 

“The only discomfort I’m feeling is that there are way too many clothes involved. All of which are keeping me away from you. And…” This was the hardest part to say aloud, but he needs to reassure Jared, “…I trust you. More than anyone.”

 

With shaking legs Jensen lifts himself up, his hands gliding with much caress over Jared’s arms until they reach his hands and he pulls Jared with him, an eye-crinkling smile on his lips when he leads them upstairs to the bedroom and Jared follows willingly, not complaining about Jensen taking control over the situation again.

 

Jensen isn’t bothered by the bed not being made, not blaming the loss of care over mundane things such as cleaning now that he knows Jared didn’t take Jensen’s escape very well.

 

Jared’s eyes widen comically when Jensen gets comfortable on the bed, waiting for Jared to join him but all the younger man does is stare at him.

 

“I swear you look like a scared little kitten.”

 

Jared blushes and Jensen can’t help but giggle. He holds his hand out for Jared, waiting for him to take it and eventually he does so Jensen just drags him down on top of him, feeling free for the first time in years, even though the weight blanketing his body is trapping him.

 

“What are we doing, Jensen?” Jared asks shyly, his gaze piercing, thumb brushing longingly over Jensen’s bottom lip.

 

“Continuing where we left off.” Jensen smiles up at him matter of factly. The need to feel Jared’s bare skin under his fingers is so strong he does everything he can to block out all the distress boiling inside of him and cups Jared’s fuzzy cheeks in both his hands, pulling him down to brush their lips together. The kiss turns from sentimental to addicting and hungry within a few minutes.

 

Their legs tangling together but not enough to cause enough friction on the parts that need it the most. Jensen is aware of them rushing things, Jared said so too, but too much time has gone wasted for them, time no one can give them back and he is craving Jared’s touch, wants to make up for all the years they have lost.

 

Jensen is reduced to nothing but moans, Jared's knee between his legs offering so much needed pressure on his lower regions and he's sure if they keep this up he'll come in his pants. Something he is scared of.  
  
His body starts shaking, cold sweat running down his spine and the longer he watches Jared the more his face changes. The mix of different blue and green shades of slanted eyes turn into a fierce blue; long locks cropped short; pointy nose now straight and wider and the different kinds of brown in his hair now almost black with little hints of gray at the temples.  
  
Jensen can't breathe, squeezes his eyes shut and in the back of his head he can hear Tom's voice. _"Don't you dare coming, Jenny. Not until I give you permission. Be a good boy and earn it."_  
  
"Jensen! Hey!"  
  
The voice is too close to be Tom, too raspy and loud. Tom barely ever raised his voice. It's when he got quiet the danger was about to come.  
  
"Jay?" He breathes out when he opens his eyes again. It's Jared, not Tom. And Jared looks as terrified as he feels.  
  
"Too fast, Jensen we can't... you totally just freaked out on me. I don't think we should do this."  
  
Jared is lifting himself off of Jensen, shaking his head and Jensen reads it as disappointment.  
  
"I'm sorry. So sorry. Jared I..." He begins to explain, not even sure what he's supposed to say to make it better, to stop Jared from pushing him further away.  
  
"Jen, I'm not him. He doesn't belong here."  
  
Jensen reaches out for Jared, his fist holding on for dear life on the younger man's shirt and he's pushing himself closer to Jared and buries his face in Jared's neck, breathing in deeply; inhaling nothing but pure Jared.  
  
"Make him go away. Please."  
  
Jared eventually nods slowly but his inner turmoil is visible to Jensen and he knows if he doesn't do something, anything, to show Jared once again that he's ready to move on then they will probably be on a stand still forever.  
  
With slightly shaking hands he starts to fumble with Jared's belt; button and zipper following soon and after another confirmative nod from Jared he pulls his friend's pants and boxers down. It's a little awkward at first and Jensen feels like a virgin all over again but gives his best not to show the storm of emotions and fears bolting through his mind.  
  
He has never seen Jared nude before, unless you count swim trunks in and they only left him guessing. He's only a little surprised to see how well those stupid trunks hid what's now so close. And long. And big. And yeah, Jensen's sure all this time spent guessing was nothing compared to what reality looks like. Jared is painfully hard, his dick twitching and glistening and Jensen has to swallow; not sure that this will fit anywhere inside him.  
  
But all his thoughts are ripped away from him when Jared returns the favor of undressing him and once Jensen is completely undressed by Jared all self-consciousness  comes back full force. He knows he's not even near as build as the younger man but Jared practically devours him with his eyes, stares at him like a kid at Christmas Morning.  
  
"God, Jen. You're so beautiful. Need to, can I touch you? Want my hands on you."  
  
The question takes Jensen by surprise and he has to remind himself again that this is Jared and not Tom; who never asked for permission, only ever took what he wanted.  
  
Jensen answers by settling himself between Jared's thighs, his own legs wrapped lose around Jared's waist, who pulls him even closer. The sparks of need and want inside of him when their cocks brush against another are immense. His tongue and lips sucking and licking along Jared's throat. Jensen wants to scream 'mine' but he can't even though Jared feels like his there's still this nagging feeling telling him none of this is real.  
  
Jared nudges his head carefully away from his neck and before Jensen can build up any guilt over of what he might have done wrong he wraps his strong arms around Jensen's middle, holds him tight as if he was afraid Jensen would want away. _Not ever_ he thinks.  
  
Jared crashes their lips together, his tongue fucking in and out of Jensen's lips, their hips jerking out of rhythm.  
  
Jensen wants Jared to touch him, wants to feel these long fingers around him but he doesn't have the courage to ask what his body is begging for. He'll just have to accept the pace Jared gives, won't risk speaking up to voice his desire. Maybe Jared doesn't want him to come, maybe Jared isn't that far gone yet and chasing his own release before he will, perhaps, think about Jensen.  
  
"Oh my... oh fuck." Jensen hears his own hoarse voice cry out. Jared's hand is suddenly wrapped around both their cocks, the hard flesh of Jared rubbing against his own. Being engulfed like this in Jared's hand feels like heaven. He doesn't know where he begins and Jared ends, it is as if Jared is trying to melt their bodies together by their dicks. Jensen knows his thoughts barely make any sense but he's never felt this way before. His brain is a big ball of nothing, the blood in his ears too loud and something warm spreads in his belly. Love and safety. For the very first time he doesn't find a lick of fear in his bones. This is, he thinks, what real and honest love must feel like for someone who doesn't have as many issues as he has.  
  
"Let go, Jen." Jared whispers against his ear, his strokes on their dicks not stopping and he increases his speed. "You can let go. It's me, only me. It will always only be me." He keeps telling him and Jensen believes him; every word. A feeling of freedom after years in imprisonment washes over him.  
  
"Love you. So much, Jensen. I love you."  
  
And that's it for Jensen. With tears in his eyes and his cheek flush against Jared's fuzz he comes hard and long, Jared's name on his lips. Ropes of come shooting between them; over Jared's hand and their bellies.  
  
He follows Jensen into orgasmic bliss not even a minute later; both their bodies shaking with all the sensations; sweat pooling from their skin and neither one of them wants to let go of the other. It's so very emotional Jensen can't hold back another tear rolling down his face.  
  
Jared kisses him deeply, aware of what must be on Jensen's mind.  
  
"Hey..." Jared quietly says, their foreheads pressed together, his eyes merely slits and even though the smile on his lips is small it still holds so much affection. "Everything okay?" He asks because Jensen has problems finding his voice, the day's events not yet fully believable to him.  
  
"Better than okay." Jensen eventually answers, mirroring Jared's affectionate smile.  
  
They stay in their leg-numbing position for what feels like forever, the need to hold on strong and demanding and neither seems to give a damn about the drying come on their heated and sweat covered skin.  
  
It takes Jared almost an hour of convincing words and promises until he finally lets go of the other man.  
  
"Will you tell Lilly?" Jared asks, his fingers playing nervously with Jensen's hair. After they had changed the sheets Jared had pulled Jensen down on bed with him, and Jensen still doesn't dare moving away, his head resting on Jared's chest and it takes his all not to purr.  
  
"I want to, but I don't know how or if it's too... you know?"  
  
"Early?" Jared finishes for him.  
  
"Mhm."  
  
"See, the thing is you'll have all the time in the world to speak with her and I'm willing to wait until you're ready to. Though, she might get a little suspicious when I show up every night and ask for my goodnight kiss."  
  
Jensen can only giggle in response and yet every little butterfly in his stomach wants to start crying tears of joy because Jared is probably talking about more than just a kiss before bedtime. It's nothing new for him that Jared wants to spend time with him and his daughter, this time he's asking to be a part of their life. A part so much more prominent than as a friend.  
  
"Not funny." Jensen looks up at Jared and is greeted with the famous Padalecki pout. "I can't sleep without it."  
  
"Promise?"  
  
"I'm not going anywhere, Jen. Not ever and not without the two of you."


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you begin to read this new chapter, I'd like to tell you something. Please take the time to listen to this ramble.
> 
> It was a long time ago when I toyed with the idea of writing this specific story. It was [Whensorrydies (Levi)](http://whensorrydies.livejournal.com) who first encouraged me to sit my butt down and start writing. He had all the confidence in the world that I would do just fine. Levi listened to me when I was down, depressed, sad and over and over again I said "I can't do it."
> 
> But I could and I did. So I began writing "When Sorry Dies". Yes, the title of this story is my little Thank You to Levi; my personal fanboy.
> 
> At first it seemed easy as pie; sit down, open an empty Word document and start with the moment that will forever haunt me. For the readers who still don't really know: this story isn't just a fic, it's my story, it's my life... the things Jensen is experiencing in this story is what happened to me. The character of Jensen was me and Lilly is actually my daughter (name changed, of course). I won't and can't tell you if the character of Jared from this story is real or added as a fictional part. Of course all names, sometimes even the gender of a certain character have been changed to fit as a J2 story. Doesn't make the actual happening any less real. But the pretty faces you'll read this story with are so much more appealing than my own face. ;)
> 
> I've received many lovely mails about this story. People writing to me and offering their shoulders to lean on and open ears to listen to my cries. I'll be forever grateful for those amazing offers.
> 
> But then again, life isn't always that... nice. This story is the perfect evidence of how cruel human beings can be.
> 
> There have been messages, comments and replies on different websites on which I published this story and the word 'mean' doesn't begin to cover what I sometimes had to read.
> 
> The easiest to handle was "This story is such a cliché." - but do people ever wonder how hurtful it is to be degraded as a cliché? How do these people think clichés actually start in the first place? They are called cliché because it obviously happens a lot and people hear about it at every other corner. Real life tragedies are degraded as clichés because people don't care or are simply annoyed with reality.
> 
> And that's exactly what domestic violence is: an act of pure hatred that takes place too many times too often in this world. Millions of women and men alike suffer day in and day out by the words and/or hands of their partners. The number of victims who dare to talk about it or even find a way out, is very low compared to how many are actually in fear for their life. It took me long to get out, to actually find a way out without putting my daughter's and my own life at risk.
> 
> If you don't want to read about clichés then don't even start reading a story that warns you with: 'based on a true story'.
> 
> But I'm too stubborn to let these haters control me or bring me down. So I kept on writing because I wanted to get it all out.
> 
> Today though, I will post the last chapter of this story. You might not agree with this ending or don't like it and I'm sure many people will have questions as soon as the last sentence is read and yes there are still questions unanswered. But for right now I need to end this work. Every word, every emotion has been torture for me. There were days when I dreaded to continue simply because I knew I would start crying if I so much as thought about writing a single new word. Writing this story had been helpful but also soul-crushing painful. 
> 
> If, and that is a huge IF, I'll find the courage and muse to get back to this story then I might be able to add a chapter or two later on. But please don't count on it, because like I said: This story was a pain in the pooper for me.
> 
> Anyway... thank you all so much for sticking with this story, even though the new update took me forever. Thank you for the lovely messages of encouragement and all the many shoulder pats and cheering on.
> 
> Thank you.  
> <3

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

 

Turns out Jensen needs only five weeks to break. Jared kept up to his promise and showed up every night to demand a goodnight kiss. And so far that's all the intimacy they shared since their heavy make out session. A few secret kisses here and promising touches there but other than that they have been taking it snail-pace slow since then; Jensen’s panic was enough for Jared to slow down after that.  
  
Lilly was just as happy as Jared himself when they had picked her up from Sandy the next morning. Sandy grinned knowingly at the two men and squealed a little in delight. Lilly joined in without knowing what was really going on. When she spotted Jared she completely ignored her dad in favor to run up to Jared and throw herself in his arms. He hugged her tight to his chest, hoping she would still be that happy once she knew about her dad and him. It's one thing to be the good friend but another to be an actual, constant part of a family.  
  
Jensen called him a couple of hours ago, asked him to join them for dinner and where it once was nothing but an ordinary thing to do, this time Jared was nervous. Sure they had spent a lot of time together, more than usual, but for some reason Jared feels anxious now. Jensen's voice sounded nervous and unsure when he called to invite him.  
  
Jared rings the doorbell once before he can hear the scratching sound of Lilly's step stool and then the distant voice of Jensen telling her to carry it instead of ruining the parquet floor. Jared smiles benignly and a few seconds after the thud of Lilly placing the step stool in place he hears the click of the peephole, followed by a loud and excited yell of his name.  
  
"Hey princess." He barely gets his greeting out and Lilly is already hugging him to death. Well, she's trying.  
  
"Missed you uncle Jay." She’s pouting up at him.  
  
"Didn't we see each other just yesterday?"  
  
"And?"  
  
"Yeah, you got me there. Missed you too, kiddo. So where's your old man?"  
  
"I heard that!" Comes Jensen's voice from inside.  
  
"He's in the bathroom. Getting pretty." She gleefully explains while pulling him inside then puts her step stool aside and closes the door again.  
  
"Well, I guess we have at least an hour before he's ready then."  
  
Lilly doesn't really get the joking insult but Jensen definitely did. "That I heard too!"  
  
"Your dad got bat ears."  
  
"He says all parents have super hearing and laser eyes." She rolls her eyes, obviously not impressed with her dad's superpowers.  
  
"I'm Batman!" Jensen joins in again.  
  
"Yeah, you're Bat... whoa, wow... man." Jared swallows hard when he looks in the direction of the bathroom and Jensen is standing there like a damn birthday present. Gray slacks that Jared always loved on him because they bring out Jensen's ass oh so well. The sleeves of the black button down are rolled up and Jared has a perfect view of strong muscular arms and when he spots the three buttons left open on the chest he wants to yell _screw dinner!_ But he controls his libido in favor of the child in the apartment and instead forces his eyes on Jensen's face, which doesn't help either. His hair carries a little product, moss green eyes stare back at him and all these damn freckles... Jared just wants to jump him. He clears his throat and shifts his weight awkwardly on his heels.  
  
"You look... amazing." Jared says quietly so only Jensen can hear him and the older man blushes in response, bringing out his freckles even more.  
  
"Lilly, go wash your hands so we can eat." Jensen tells his daughter and Jared is only a little sad that his compliment is being ignored but he also knows why.

"She's not the only one who missed you." Jensen says shyly when Lilly is in the bathroom and out of hearing range.  
  
Jared checks if the bathroom door is still closed before he steps closer to Jensen, cups his face in both hands and finally gets to greet the other man properly. The kiss is soft, warms Jared from the inside out and he still can't believe how lucky he is to have this. His love for Jensen was always strong and overwhelming, almost breaking him to the price of his sanity. Now it seems like this love he felt over the last years was not all he's capable of feeling. Since the day Jensen came back to him; for him, his feelings have grown even more and he's sure if his heart will keep beating that fast it will jump out of his chest any minute now.  
  
They only break apart when the water in the bathroom stops running.  
  
"Okay, spill. What's going on?" Jared asks later. They could easily dump all the dishes in the dishwasher, but Jensen insists on using the sink and it's evident to Jared that the other man is a nervous wreck, has been throughout dinner and he's glad that Lilly is engrossed in her Disney movie. It gives them some time to themselves; to talk.  
  
"This, us, it's not..."  
  
Jared can feel his heart begin to break all over again. He knows Jensen's come a long way, he's aware of the emotional fight in Jensen's headspace but he's scared of what the other man is about to say.  
  
"...easy. Jay, I don't know what to tell her. I've never had to have this kind of conversation with Lilly. This is hard for me. What if she doesn't approve? I mean, she loves you, I know that, but this is different. And what if we break up? It will hurt her just as much. I'm scared that she'll hate me or you or I don't know. Jared, I don't know what to do here."  
  
Okay, this isn't exactly good but way better than what Jared feared to hear.  
  
"There is no guarantee for us not breaking up, nobody ever knows what's in store for them. But I honestly don't see myself without you and Lilly anymore. Not before, not now and not ten years down the road. Jensen, in all these years I have known you, the both of you, not a day went by without worrying about you, without constantly thinking about you. There were sad thoughts and happy things going on in my head. Man, since you two lived with me I can't even go grocery shopping without loading the cart full of all the food you guys prefer. You two have been my family the minute you entered my life. Okay, maybe not right then but when I first admitted to myself how I feel about you I knew there would never be a family I want to be more a part of. You and the kid, Jensen, you're my family. Always have been and I'd rather shoot myself than letting either of you go. After you ran because I kissed you I felt like dying, I thought I lost the two people most important to me; my family."  
  
Suddenly Jensen's eyes begin to tear up and Jared realizes what he just rambled. But it's true, every word of it. He has known as much all along but admitting it to Jensen makes it so much more real. 

"Jay, I'm so sorry." Jensen sobs, wraps his arms around Jared's waist and buries his face in Jared's chest.  
  
He holds on to the older man, stroking his hands over Jensen's back. "You keep saying that and I have yet to figure out what you're apologizing for."  
  
"Why me? Jared, you could have anyone you want. Why do you put up with me... and for so long on top of all. I'm not worth it, why can't you see that?"  
  
"I do have the one I want, right here. Neither of us is perfect, Jen. Nobody is. But I have told you time and time again that I'm proud of you, of everything you've accomplished in these last years. You're by far the strongest person I know and I will keep telling you just that until someday you'll see it for yourself. And even after I won't stop saying it because I don't ever want you to forget how amazing you are. And because I love you. I love you so much, Jensen. There isn't a single soul out there who I could possibly feel more connected with; nobody could ever make me happier than you do."  
  
Jared is close to start crying as well but he's giving his best to hold the tears back. Jensen needs him to be strong, strong enough for the both of them. He knows it'll be a long way for them to have a normal relationship; without doubts and fears, but if Jensen loves him only half as much as he loves the older man then there is nothing Jared has to worry about. They will be fine, maybe perfect even, in their own special way.  
  
"I... me too." Jared isn't bothered by Jensen not saying the three words back and he doesn't expect him to say it anytime soon. Fact is, Jared said it a few times since their confessions, but Jensen is still cautious, his emotional walls always half way up. Jared can wait. Hearing it isn't everything, Jensen shows him how he feels and that's all what matters to him right now.  
  
"How about I talk to Lilly?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"If that's okay with you, if you want to I mean, I could talk to her. Just in case she, uh, you know doesn't take it well then she can be mad at me and not you. Just a suggestion." 

"You would do that? But, Jay you don't have to."  
  
"Come on, you really think she's gonna hate us? She's a kid, a smart one too. I'm sure she'll take it well."  
  
Jensen's eyes flicker with nerves and uncertainty and Jared just takes matter in his own hands. He gives Jensen a short peck on the corner of his mouth and leaves the kitchen.  
  
"Where's my princess?" He asks while sitting next to Lilly on the carpet, who stares at the TV in front of them.  
  
"Shhhh."  
  
"Sweetheart, you know I hate interrupting your movie but I would like to talk to you for a minute or two. That okay?" He fondly plays with her pigtail, letting the strands of dark curls glide through his fingers. "Please?"  
  
She turns her head towards him, her eyes wide and questioning. "Are you sad uncle Jay?"  
  
"Quite the opposite, princess." He assures with a tender smile.  
  
But the girl doesn't seem convinced, takes the remote to pause her DVD and turns all the way to him, crawls on his lap and cuddles herself around his chest.  
  
"How are things with you and Scotty Dalton?"  
  
Her head snaps up and she takes a hurried look around. "Not so loud, what if Daddy hears?"  
  
"Sorry, we don't want him to know yet, right?" She nods and he kisses her forehead.  
  
"Never ever ever ever. Never."  
  
"It's our own little secret then and my lips are sealed." Jared pretends to zip his lips, turns the imaginary key and throws it behind them. "I have a secret too, something I'd like to share with you."  
  
Her eyes grow impossible wide, her mouth shaped in a huge 'O' and she's bouncing up and down.  
  
"You wanna hear?"  
  
"Of course, silly."  
  
"Well, I love someone too, just as much as you love Scotty. Maybe even a little more."  
  
Lilly's face falters, her tiny lips turning downwards into a frown. "Even more than you love me?"  
  
"Oh sweetheart, that's not possible. Remember when I told you you'll always be my favorite person in the world?" Jared waits for her to catch up and then she carefully nods. "And it won't ever change, you need to know that. But do you think it would be okay if I had two favorite people in the world? Because, you know, your Daddy is very special to me and I love him very much. Maybe you can share this special place in my heart with him."  
  
"You love my Daddy?"  
  
"A whole lot, yes."  
  
"Like Nala loves Simba?"  
  
"And beyond."  
  
"Would you share your favorite ice-cream with him?"  
  
"Most definitely."  
  
"Does that mean you want to kiss my Daddy?" Her nose scrunches up in disgust, just like every other child her age she doesn't like the idea of adults kissing.  
  
"That's what grown-ups do when they love someone. Yes, I'd want to kiss him."  
  
"Huh." She looks at him puzzled, then frowns again and Jared is sure now comes the blow. "That's a stupid secret." Lilly huffs annoyed.  
  
"Why'd you say that?"  
  
"Because if it's a secret you can't tell Daddy and if you don't tell him then you can't make his sad go away." Jared always knew that sometimes Lilly witnesses Jensen when he’s depressed and starts crying out of the blue. Her Dad always tries to hide it but sometimes it would overcome him and then it’s too late to keep this part of him from her. Never did Jared realize how much it really affected the little girl, until now.  
  
"Uncle Jay, can't we make an ex... excep...excpection? I don't like it when Daddy is sad."  
  
"Me neither. Maybe you're right, we should make an exception this time."  
  
"Yes and then he wouldn't cry anymore."  
  
"So you don't mind if I kiss your dad?"  
  
"No. But we need to tell him. Please uncle Jay?"  
  
"Tell me what?" Jared startles at the sudden voice coming from Jensen from behind them, he hadn't heard the other man entering the living room. Jensen has tears in his eyes and Jared doesn't need much guessing how much of the conversation he heard.  
  
"Daddy! Daddy, I and uncle Jay have a secret that's not a secret anymore and I need to tell you the secret and when you know it you don't have to be sad anymore. Believe me, Jay can make these tears go away." She's talking a mile a minute and walks towards her Dad; Jensen is crouching down to be on eye-level with her and Lilly wipes his tears away with her tiny fingers. 

While Jensen hugs his daughter the two men share a secret smile behind Lilly's back.  
  
Jared offers his best 'I told you so' face and Jensen answers with an eye roll, his eyes still wet with relief and something Jared doesn't get to see very often on the other man's face: happiness. He mentally pats himself; proud as can be over the fact that he plays an important part of it.  
  
"What did you guys have been up to? I remember hearing you say you want to tell me something."  
  
Lilly nods eagerly at her father and whips her head around to look at Jared for permission to speak up. Jared nods at her with a wink.  
  
Jensen leans closer to his daughter when she's cupping his right ear with both of her small hands to whisper into it. Why she believes it's even necessary to whisper is beyond Jared. But after all these years with the girl he understands that no matter if everyone in the room is in on a secret she still whispers it.  
  
"He does?" Jensen is acting all surprised; round green eyes wide open.  
  
"He does." Jared joins back in. "Lilly thought it was best to tell you how I feel, that I want to kiss you."  
  
"Eww, Uncle Jay. Not that!"  
  
"Oh, right, sorry." Both men chuckle before Jared continues, "I love you, Jensen and your daughter said it's not a good idea to keep this a secret."  
  
Jared doesn't know where to look first, the beaming and proud smile on Lilly's beautiful face or Jensen's freckles that stand out so much more prominent because of his flushed cheeks.  
  
"That's, yeah..." Jensen mumbles, his throat constricted with too many emotions at once.  
  
Having Lilly's approval of their relationship has never raised an ounce of doubt in Jared but he's just as relieved and thankful as Jensen is.  
  
"Can I go watch my movie again?" Lilly tugs at Jensen's leg, trying to get his attention.  
  
"Only if I'm allowed to kiss your Dad." Jared speaks up without missing a beat.  
  
"Okay. But only once. Kissing is yucky." The little girl visibly shudders and rushes past Jared to grab the remote.  
  
She barely has the movie started again when Jared steps forward, closer to Jensen and places his hands on the older man's hips, stroking the bones there softly and they grin at each other stupidly.  
  
"Told you this wasn't going to be a hardship. You've got a great kid, Jen."  
  
"Maybe I should stop questioning her all the time. She's smarter than one might think."  
  
"You should also quit fidgeting and kiss me already."  
  
Jensen is still careful, cautious to indicate the first touch but he does eventually lift his head enough to capture Jared's lips between his own. It's a gentle kiss and a barely there touch of soft lush lips and yet it's as intense as never before.  
  
They part shortly after, it's not a matter of want though but they don't want Lilly to wait for too long and join her on the couch; both on either side of her. When her head lolls against Jared's chest he wraps an arm around her, his hand flat on her thigh.  
  
The movie is half way in when Lilly's lids begin to droop and Jensen nudges her carefully. "Scoot over, shrimp." He lifts her small form up so she can sit on Jared's lap, her tiny back a comfortable weight against Jared's front and Jensen shimmies closer, their sides pressed together and the whole scene is a domestic bliss. 

This feels so much better than Jared's dreams could have ever come up with and he wants to cry over the overwhelming sensations this moment causes for him. The two most important people in his life are right here, next to him, so close his heart is threatening to burst.  
  
Twenty minutes later and Lilly is fast asleep, snoring away. "She's out like a light." Jared whispers, turning to Jensen and drops a short kiss on his boyfriend's head, only to realize that apparently Jared is the only one still awake. He wakes Jensen carefully, because if Jared gets up to tug in Lilly Jensen would fall face first onto the couch with how tightly he has wrapped himself around and against Jared.  
  
Jensen barely moves a couple inches but it's enough for Jared to stand. He carries Lilly to the bathroom and kisses her temple so she'll be at least half awake.  
  
"Princess, can you stay awake for a few more minutes?" She shakes her head in a tired 'no' but Jared urges on, "you'll be in bed in no time. But you gotta pee before bed and we still have to brush your itty bitty teeth."  
  
She's barely conscious but somehow Jared manages to get it all done in under ten minutes before he picks her up again. Her arms are slung around his neck and legs loosely around his waist. 

"There you go, sweetheart. Already in bed, just like I promised." Jared lowers her onto her bed and tugs her under the fluffy Cinderella blanket. Another kiss to her soft hair later and he is making his way to the door.  
  
"Jay'ed?" Lilly mumbles and Jared turns around to walk back to the bed.  
  
"What's wrong baby girl?"  
  
"Are you my other Daddy now?"  
  
There is not a trace of sadness in her voice, only excitement and a lot of hope. Jared wants to say yes so badly it almost hurts but he still has to be careful, can't just up and shout that he would be the happiest man alive to be called her Daddy, too.  
  
"Oh, princess. It would make me really proud but I think that's something you should be talking to your Daddy about first."  
  
Lilly pouts at him, perfectly skilled lip quivering and all that, "I want you to be my Papa."  
  
"I'd love to be your Papa. How about that, you sleep now and tomorrow we will talk some more. You're too tired to carry such important thoughts at night."  
  
"Okay, Jay'ed." Her yawn is indication enough that she'll be dead to the world in less than a couple minutes.  
  
"Sleep tight, baby girl. Don't let the bed bugs bite you. Love you."  
  
Jared takes a deep breath and does his best to settle his nerves. Lilly's question has totally floored him and now he has to calm down enough before he goes back into the living room and get yet another Ackles into bed.  
  
Speaking of.  
  
"Jesus Christ! You scared the crap outta me!" Jared yells in a whisper after closing the door to Lilly's room and Jensen is right there waiting for him. "You do that a lot today, sneaking up on me and Lilly." Jared says with a fond expression.  
  
"Sorry, Jay." Jensen is nervous as hell and Jared thinks that maybe his tone was a little harsher than he thought it was. Jensen still panics when people get a little too loud or demanding and it's not like Jared isn't used to Jensen being scared but it doesn't settle easy on him.  
  
"It's okay. Didn't hear you getting up, is all." Jared pronounces with a kiss to Jensen's mouth and he still tastes like the chocolate and vanilla ice cream he had for desert.  
  
"No, I mean Lilly. About what she said. I'm sorry she dumped such a loaded question on you but you should’ve been honest with her right away if this is too much. I mean, she’ll definitely remember this conversation come morning and there’s no way her hopes won’t be sky high.” 

“What are you talking about, Jensen?” 

“Fuck, I don’t know how to explain that to you. Lilly, she is, well she’s always been attached to you. She grew up with you being around all the time. You practically raised her just as much as I did and sometimes she asks questions I can’t answer or have to talk my way out of.” 

Jared is still completely confused and Jensen doesn’t make much sense. The only thing Jared can focus on is the way Jensen seems to tremble with every passing second and Jared has no idea _why_. 

“What kind of questions?” 

“This wasn’t the first time she asked… _that_. When she was old enough to string half a sentence together she asked me if you are her Papa.” 

"Jensen, I know you're scared, you've always been insecure about other people and what they might think of you but seriously, did you hear a word I said to you within those last two weeks? And when have I ever lied to you or Lilly?"  
  
"Never."  
  
"Exactly. I love your daughter, that much you know and I didn't lie to her back in her room. She has always been like my own to me." But Jared doesn't tell him that he also always wanted to be Lilly's Papa; be the other parent this little girl never had.  
  
Jensen nods at him, lips worried between his pearly whites and every few seconds his mouth opens as if he wants to say something, yet nothing comes out. Jared takes that as a sign of acknowledgement and the end of their conversation. And that's more than okay with him because going further might pressure Jensen and the last thing his boyfriend takes easy is being pressured into doing or saying something he didn't have enough time to think through.

**  
**

****** **

  
"I don't want you to leave tonight."  
  
Jensen has no idea why he just said that other than that it's true but his intention wasn't to speak his thoughts out loud. Jared is everything he ever wanted, everything he thought he would never have and letting him go, if only until they see each other again, is the last thing Jensen wants.  
  
Fact is, he _wants_ Jared. All of him. Even though the thought scares him he can't stop thinking about taking things further with the younger man. It's been too long since he has been with anyone other than his right hand and he might have put one or two fingers up his ass while trying furiously to jerk himself off; thinking about Jared doing all these things to him. But not even the image of Jared’s beautiful smile could help him reach his orgasm; his penis never playing along. Too much fear and all the insecurities and rules Tom put on Jensen’s soul had made it impossible for Jensen to get past half hard. But having Jared touching him for real changed this problem immediately.  
  
Before their first and so far last time when they’ve been intimate with each other Jensen hadn't been with anyone else since Tom and it's not a secret how terribly fucked up this ended. No wonder Jensen completely freaked when Jared was touching him. The angst of being hit with flashbacks is still there and Jensen doesn't even know how to overcome this feeling of being a total failure. He doesn’t want to push Jared away; doesn’t want his boyfriend to think that Jensen doesn’t like his tender caresses. But there is still this huge part of Jensen that is so worried about what Jared might think when he sees him. Down there. Again. 

Jared was the doctor who had performed surgery on Jensen; Jared was the first one to see the damage up close and even though Jensen himself doesn’t know what his injuries looked like he can pretty much guess that it wasn’t a stimulating picture. And what if this is still going to be exactly what Jared will see? Of course Jensen has healed and every doctor told him that there isn’t a trace of evidence left that he had been hurt. _Raped_ , Jensen always corrected in his own head. 

"And I don't see reason for me to leave." Jared smiles down at him; open and honest.  
  
There is a moment of awkwardness when Jensen strips down to his boxers and Jared just stares at him with hungry eyes. Jensen feels exposed and it's stupid because Jared has seen more of Jensen than he himself could possibly ever see, not even if he was as bendy as a rubber band.  
  
Jensen crawls into bed first and when his boyfriend is also in nothing but a thin layer of briefs they lay next to each other, their noses almost brushing and Jensen captures all his bravery when he initiates the first contact; slinging his arm around Jared's waist and bringing their lips together in a warm wet kiss. There is no fight for dominance when their tongues circle and taste, it's equal pleasure for both of them. What they battle about though is making the other one feel good. Jensen does what he remembers is going to satisfy Jared; hands roaming over miles of beautiful skin and Jared will stop him to do the same to Jensen. They are exploring one another, learning how their bodies work all while their mouths can't seem to leave the other man's lips.  
  
"Sleep with me." It's supposed to be close to a demand, an expression of want and permission but what comes out of Jensen's throat sounds close to a desperate request.  
  
"Jen, are you sure?"  
  
If it wasn't for the sheer nervousness covering Jared's voice Jensen wouldn't have the balls to show Jared just how sure he is. He pushes his growing erection further forward and into the ridge of the younger man's hips. "Please."  
  
With unsure and slow hands Jared frees them both from their underwear and it’s when they are both completely naked the monster inside Jensen’s head starts fighting again, a pain-pleasure battle of epic proportions inside his head. It’s Jared’s careful touches that ground him again; every inch of Jensen’s body feels like as if it’s on fire. Jared’s hands burning into his skin and soothing the branded spots with his tongue and Jensen is basically flying. Jared’s mouth smoothes its way over Jensen’s abs, paying extra attention to his navel, chin pumping against his rock hard cock and when the younger man’s pink lips engulf his flesh Jensen is thrashing the sheets, riding a delicious high he never thought he was ever going to reach again and the slow pace Jared is setting is driving Jensen crazy. 

So badly he wants to beg Jared, urge him on, yell at him to go faster, to do something, anything as long as he will let Jensen come rather sooner than later. But Jensen doesn’t do either, he’s silently taking what Jared is willing to give him, doesn’t want to destroy the moment by demanding anything from Jared. And that’s the exact moment when Jensen realizes that this is Jared, his Jared. A man who in the past had saved his life more than once, a man full of life and energy and more love than a human being should be possible to carry in one’s heart. But Jared is all that and then some, he wouldn’t hurt Jensen, wouldn’t force him into things Jensen isn’t comfortable with. The angst is still there though and so Jensen does what he had learned in the past was better for everyone involved, he stays quiet as good as he can and when Jared’s tongue plays viciously with the leaking slit of his cock Jensen does his best to stifle the hoarse cry of ecstasy that’s threatening to burst free. What he can’t stop for the life of him is his ragged breathing, it’s coming out short, almost wheezing. 

Jared’s mouth leaves Jensen’s member only long enough to voice his concern to Jensen. “Let me hear you, Jen. Wanna know exactly how much you enjoy this.” 

Damn Jared and always being able to read him so well. It’s not like Jensen doesn’t want to scream his bliss from the top of his lungs but the monster in his head keeps scolding him, trying to convince him that none of this is real, that he will wake up soon enough to a reality without Jared. 

“Jen, if you want me to stop…” 

“No! No. I was just-“ 

“With your head some place you shouldn’t be.” 

Jared hovers above him then, their hips and arousals flush against one another, Jared’s dimples blinding Jensen like the sun and Jensen acknowledges what Jared is offering him, it’s all in his beautiful hazel eyes. If Jensen wants out, if they’re still going too early too fast then Jared will stop. Jensen really needs to shut up all those voices in his head, he needs to fucking believe this man. A man who loves him for crying out loud. 

“Trust me, I want this. I want you. I’m only, it’s been a while.” Jensen ducks his head shyly. He is embarrassed as all hell even though Jared can probably guess that there hasn’t been anyone for Jensen since Tom. 

Jared nips at Jensen’s lips, whispering against his flushed cheeks. “Good. Means I’m not the only one feeling a little out of place and awkward.” 

“Don’t be stupid. I’m sure my well over four years of not even looking at anyone will top your few months or however long it’s been.” Jensen feels uncomfortable talking about it and there’s this silly ache in his chest when he thinks about Jared with someone else. He shouldn’t be having these thoughts but thinking about losing Jared to someone else has always been on his mind. Just because both are finally willing to commit their feelings for each other doesn’t mean Jared lived like a monk; like Jensen. 

Except it does. 

“You still don’t get it, do you? I’ve been in love with you for so long I barely remember that other men exist. Shortly before I met you, before you became my patient and I was nothing but a doctor with a stupid crush that wouldn’t go away, well, I broke up with a guy before I first saw you. I’ve been on _forced_ dates in the last few years, thanks to Sandy. But nothing ever happened. None of these guys were you.” 

Jensen doesn’t realize that his eyes are closed, dwelling in the words Jared is whispering to him, trying to comprehend the meaning behind them, until Jared is kissing his lids. Soft brushes of lips against his brows and lashes. 

“My head and my heart have always been right here, with you.” Jared’s husky voice travels along Jensen’s jaw and this confession is almost too much to handle for him. And all he can do to stop himself from crying like a damn baby is returning Jared’s caress, touching, pulling and dragging his hands all over the younger man, bringing their lips back together. 

For all these years that Jensen spent brooding, moping and crying himself to sleep, Jared was his all along. And now all Jensen wants is to stop wasting time. “Want you, Jay.” 

Jared kisses his way lovingly back downwards, tongue leaving wet lines of pleasure on every inch of Jensen’s skin. 

Every touch and every kiss from Jared on Jensen's heated skin feels like a prayer, a declaration of love and devotion. There is no rush, no force and his boyfriend's palms hold him like a satiny soft blanket.  
  
After all these years Jensen still remembers Tom's bruising grip, the pain forever burned into his soul but this, what Jared is doing to him, with him will hopefully replace all the bad memories.  
  
"Jen, I want to do something. Tell me to stop if you need to." Jared's voice whispers from where he is sucking the fine skin of Jensen's hipbones between his pink lips. "This won't hurt. I promise to never hurt you." His mouth runs further down, teeth scraping carefully over Jensen's thigh but all he wants is for the younger man to get his mouth back on his cock. He can't think straight with all the want running through his blood, his erection painfully hard and neglected between his legs. "It'll be good, let me show you."  
  
Before Jensen can answer or think about these words Jared's hot tongue hesitantly licks over Jensen's furled hole and he tenses up immediately. He knows this is supposed to be good, remembers how amazing it feels to have another guy eat him out in this filthy but also hottest way ever. But all this was before Tom, before the man told him how disgusting it is and therefore never done it for Jensen. It was long before Tom had raped him and tore him apart.  
  
"Don't." He can hear himself say and Jared pulls his tongue back without question. Jensen grabs for Jared's biceps and tries to push the younger man off and away but his boyfriend looks at him with guilt clouding his puppy eyes.  
  
"Hurt?" He asks Jensen, his voice raspy and broken.  
  
Jensen shakes his head and feels stupid because Jared still stares at him as if Jensen just stole his last cookie. Which, in Jared's world, is a crime against humanity. Nobody takes sweets away from Jared Padalecki. “Just don’t go… _there_.”  
  
"Is it because of what I've seen?" And Jensen knows what Jared is asking. Jensen doesn't want him to look at his ass and see nothing but the torn and ripped flesh, a wound so severe that Jared had to perform surgery on him before Jensen could bleed out. Jensen swallows hard and closes his eyes tightly when he nods at Jared's question.  
  
"I've seen many terrible things in my career." Jared starts explaining, his head resting on Jensen's thigh; hands holding Jensen as a reminder of not letting go and his eyes pin Jensen to the spot. "Jensen, I'm not going to lie to you, of course I still remember your injuries." Jensen wants to pull back, jump off and run but Jared doesn't let him, kisses along Jensen's lower belly instead and licks wetly against his cock. "I remember all of my patients but their wounds are not what I see when I look at them, it's not what I see when I'm thinking of you or when I'm with you. What is it you believe I see when I'm down here?" Jared's fingers skim between Jensen's ass cheeks, thumb barely touching his hole.  
  
"That... that it's repellent. That someone's been there and scarred me for everyone to see."  
  
"Oh babe, there will always be a scar left behind. It'll always be there and my eyes might be trained to find old injuries but only if I'm on the job. I remember how many stitches you needed, every single one of them--"  
  
"Jared. Please." Jensen doesn't want to listen to this, doesn't need to know all the details of this mess.  
  
"No Jen, you need to hear this. Twenty stitches, inside and out. I don't think of you as a broken victim, you're a survivor and a strong one at that. I still want to kill the bastard, wanted to since I had you on my table, since you pleaded at me to make sure your baby was okay. Your scars don't scare me, they won't ever repel me or push me into running away. If you let me, if you allow me to then I'll tell you exactly what I think of when I'm looking at you..." Jared buries his face in Jensen's fine curls of pubic hair, nose brushing against Jensen's softening cock, tongue sneaking out to poke along Jensen's balls.  
  
Jensen doesn't answer, too deep in the bliss of Jared all around him even though he would rather start crying because of all these memories being brought back.  
  
"All you have to do is look at me and I want to kiss you stupid, when you smile my knees are as strong as overcooked pasta and right now, right now I'm so close to your ass that I'm surprised I can still form words because all I can think about, all I can see is a great shaped ass," Jared fits himself back between Jensen's legs, pushing them further apart for more room and his tongue plays wicked games with Jensen's balls, "a perfectly tight and delicious hole I want to lavish. I want to drive my tongue into you; taste you and God, I'm still so fucking hard just laying here with you. Want to prep you with my tongue, slick you up and spread that hole wide until you're loose enough so I can bury myself inside you."  
  
Before Jensen knows what he's doing he's already pushing Jared's head back down between his legs, far enough to get his boyfriend's tongue back on his ass. He's still unsure and scared but he's too far gone to think too much about it. All he's capable of focusing on is Jared and his filthy mouth.  
  
When Jared's tongue finally comes back in contact with his furled hole Jensen wants to scream and cry out how awesome it is, how much he loves it but all that comes out of his mouth are moans and lots of whimpering. This is so much better than anything Jensen ever experienced in the past. Jared's mouth is too much, too hot, not enough and Jensen is writhing and trashing, pushing his ass down on his boyfriend's face. Jared's tongue massages his rim, slicking and spreading him exactly how he promised and when the muscle gives Jared pushes inside, caressing the walls of his channel like a man being paid for it.  
  
Jensen is rock hard again, still a surprise to him that all it took was Jared being with him to get an erection again at all.  
  
How much time passes with Jared's mouth on him is absolutely unknown to Jensen. He is drowning in love and arousal; drowning in Jared's hold and all he wants is more and _Jared_. Jensen can already feel his balls growing hard and heavy and if he doesn't get Jared inside of him anytime soon he will probably commit a murder. He tells Jared as much and is positively shocked of actually demanding something. For some reason though, Jared makes him forget, forget the fear of speaking up for himself and requesting _anything_.  
  
Jared chuckles against his ass, the vibration of his rough rumble going straight to Jensen's cock. He takes a hold of Jared's shoulders then, pulling him up to crash their lips together; licking inside Jared's mouth and chasing his own taste on the younger man's tongue.  
  
He blindly reaches for the drawer, which is a hardship with how heavily Jared covers his body but he manages anyway; grabbing the bottle of lube and handing it to his boyfriend with an expectant look.  
  
Jared's eyes still ask for permission and Jensen groans in frustration until Jared scrambles back to sit on his heels. As soon as he has enough lube coating his fingers he pushes the first one inside Jensen.  
  
Having done an incredible good job prepping Jensen with his tongue, Jared's fingers slip inside without any resistance at all but the man still takes his time, scissoring Jensen and fucking his fingers in and out, constantly assaulting his prostate. Jensen is going steer crazy underneath him and when he feels like dying a slow and oh so wonderful death he is collecting all his leftover brain cells and lots of courage to finally beg Jared to fuck him already.  
  
"Okay okay. Just wanna make sure I won't hurt you. I'm kinda... big."  
  
"And so modest."  
  
"I hate you."  
  
"Yeah, I can see that." Jensen pronounces his retort by pushing his hips up and against Jared's hard member.  
  
"I hope you've got condoms in that drawer as well."  
  
"Do we need one?"  
  
"I don't know, Jen. Do we?"  
  
Jensen nibbles at his own lips, nervous as all hell because not using protection might end up in getting pregnant and he's not sure if this should even be a subject of discussion so early in their relationship. But then again, it feels like they've been together forever, minus the intimacy. So Jensen shakes his head in a sure 'no'.  
  
"What if one of my swimmers decides to take residence in you?"  
  
"If you're not ready to become a father then we can use a condom."  
  
"If I remember correctly I already am a father. It's just that maybe we're moving too fast?"  
  
Jensen's heart swells astonishingly huge in his chest. Hearing Jared commit to him and Lilly is something he wished for since first meeting Jared and now it's actually happening. "In all honesty, I wish she was yours and it's difficult to face reality; that she actually _isn't_. But it also feels weird to think of her as not yours. Is that wrong?"  
  
"Definitely not. Lilly is ours, our daughter and you have no idea how badly I always wanted to say that."  
  
Jared smiles at him with so much pride in his eyes it's almost too much for Jensen to comprehend. "Four years, Jared. I'm kind of done waiting." Jensen circles his hips against Jared's again, urging his boyfriend on to keep going.  
  
"Yeah, four years seems like a good gap between the first born and trying for another."  
  
They both snort comically at this statement and before Jared can start speaking again Jensen crashes their lips together in a heated kiss, their groins brushing and rubbing against one another. Pre come leaking from both of them and finally, fucking finally Jared takes all the damn hints and coats his cock with lube, stroking his shaft a couple of times before lining himself up against Jensen's opening.  
  
Jensen's heartbeat increases to a dangerously high level when he first feels Jared against his hole and he stares up at the man he loves, silently pleading to be careful, not to hurt him. Jared answers in his own silent way, letting his actions speak for him rather than words. His beautiful face right there above Jensen, hungry hazel eyes holding Jensen’s gaze and gently he pushes the head of his cock inside Jensen. There is the first initial burn of being stretched too far but Jensen is so slicked up that it evaporates only seconds later and all that’s left is the incredible closeness and ultimate perfection of being connected with Jared in such a soul-melting way. He doesn’t push Jared to keep going, no matter how much he wishes for Jared to fill him completely, because this, this is their first time, the moment Jensen for sure will never be able to forget. 

The way Jared watches his every move, waiting for Jensen, leaving it for him to call the shots. _This is it_ , Jensen thinks deep inside his own head. This is exactly how it’s supposed to feel like loving someone and _being_ loved. In this exact moment Jensen realizes that he’s never really been loved before. All he ever used to be was the center of sexual attraction and lust. Jared doesn’t use him when he pushes in yet another inch, Jared doesn’t even take, doesn’t chase his own climax, doesn’t focus on his own arousal. All Jared does is giving Jensen what he is hoping for and the most heart-warming he gives is _love_. It’s pure and raw in a way that leaves Jensen speechless and he has trouble keeping his tears at bay. 

When Jared does bottom out Jensen is a whimpering mess, the feeling of too full throbbing under his skin but at the same time it’s nothing short of the best feeling in the whole world. Jared’s hard length stretches him wide, filling him up completely. Jared pulls out slowly and aims for Jensen’s prostate with every weak push back inside. Jensen can only cling to the younger man, arms holding on for dear life around Jared’s strong shoulders, dragging him down to connect their mouths. Jared is smiling against his lips, puffing ragged moans of passion between Jensen’s lips and whenever Jensen catches a breath Jared barely opens his mouth to breath, too busy telling Jensen how much he loves him; that he’ll never let him go again. 

Jared’s cut abs keep causing sweet friction on Jensen’s cock but it’s still not enough to bring him over the edge. His mind tells him not to worry about it; everything will be fine and it’ll happen when it’s time comes. But his body says differently. He’s pushing his ass down on Jared’s thick length harder; searching furiously for more contact and as soon as Jared lifts himself up just so much Jensen shoves his hand between their stomachs. 

“N-Need. Jared, please.” And with that Jensen starts stroking himself in earnest, hoping that all his fears really are nothing but brainwashed reminders of the past and that his boyfriend won’t mind that Jensen worries about himself, taking care of his own needs as well. 

“What the… Jesus, Jen. So hot.” With that Jared’s eyes roll back inside his head and he lifts his body up to get a better view; dragging Jensen’s legs with him to hook them over his forearms. 

Jared's eyes are constantly moving; darting back and forth between Jensen's eyes and his dick slipping in and out of his hand.  
  
If a minute ago Jensen thought Jared would mind Jensen pleasuring himself while Jared is making love to him, then Jensen has to set himself aright again. If anything Jared looks even more turned on than before, his eyes twinkling with something Jensen has never seen and can't explain but it's definitely something good because this damn smirk on the younger man's face can't be misunderstood.  
  
Jared doesn't speed his thrusts up, keeps fucking Jensen in a slow pace and it's pure torture for Jensen. And what a fine torture that is.  
  
Jensen comes after only three or four more jerks and twists of his wrist. There was no way to stave his orgasm off and he honestly couldn't have taken it any longer. His hips are seizing with every new rope of come coating his hand and belly; head thrown back into the pillow and strings of nonsense escaping his mouth.  
  
Jared gazes in awe at the mess on Jensen's abdomen, his lips forming fish-like shapes but no words come out. At least nothing known to be part of any earthly language and Jensen is positively shocked that he's able to do this to his boyfriend, that something usually so simple can turn Jared into a puddle of goo with no words attached to his lips.  
  
Jared pulls out slowly again and pushes his pelvis forward faster this time, his thick cock driving into Jensen harder and dragging another row of moans from both of them.  
  
Only a handful of thrusts later and Jensen can feel Jared growing impossibly bigger inside him, Jared's hands searching for hold on Jensen's legs and hips and everywhere on their sweat covered bodies and then there's this wet and warm heat filling Jensen, every fluid reminder of Jared's climax coating the insides of Jensen. And Jared keeps moving, still chasing and keeping his orgasm up for as long as his body will let him.  
  
The younger man collapses on top of Jensen, his breathing nothing but too short for survival and yet he still takes what a dying man would call their last breath and uses it to kiss Jensen. It's gentle and barely there brushes of shiny lips but it's hungry at the same time. His softening cock still connecting them and where it should be weird to have come leaking from Jensen's ass he can't help but declare it as the most amazing feeling ever. It's intention not only a recollection of mind blowing sex but also an attest to Jared's love for him.  
  
Jensen's emotions are all over the place and they take him by surprise. So much so that a few tears slip free and burn their way into his cheeks. Jared catches every single one of them, his thumbs brushing them away and his lips kissing them deeper into his skin. Jared doesn't ask about the tears, his facial features show that he understands them anyway.  
  
What Jared doesn't and can't understand though is that Jensen is thrown back onto memory lane. Lilly wasn't planned, she just happened. Neither Jensen nor Tom has been very responsible when it came to protection. Jensen still isn't willing to blame Tom for lying because without the man there would be no Lilly.  
  
Tom and him had the usual talk about condoms and pills and the whole deal of being clean. Jensen has always been on the pill and always freaked out when he realized he had forgotten to swallow it. But then Tom came along, lying through his teeth, talking about a bicycle accident when he was eight years old that left him sterile. Even went as far as showing a piece of paper to Jensen that held a bunch of numbers and explained Tom's sperm count and whatnot. Jensen didn't understand any of what was written on the paper.  
  
After meeting Tom's mother for the first time Jensen got along with her great and soon they began to meet up for coffee at Tom’s house and talked, sometimes for hours. About everything and nothing. Somewhere deep into a conversation about Tom's childhood Jensen carefully approached the subject of Tom's accident. His mother, Rachel, told him that yes, Tom fell off his bike more than once as a kid but never left with anything severe. A few bruises and scratches but nothing that would leave him sterile. As it turned out Tom simply didn't like condoms, only wanted to fuck without the annoying fumble of sheathing his dick inside a condom.  
  
During the conversation with Rachel Jensen made a mental note to be more careful with his pill. What he didn't know was that at this time Lilly was already starting to grow into his little shrimp inside his womb.  
  
Jensen never saw the doctor's paper again and he still has no idea what it was and where Tom had gotten it from. But it didn't matter anymore; Lilly was there now and will forever be Jensen's lifeline.  
  
And now there is Jared, a man with a heart as big as all fifty states of the country and even though he isn't Lilly's biological father he still craves to be her dad. Even more so, Jared wants to have a child with Jensen. It's slowly sinking in that Jared waited four years for Jensen, for them to be. Jensen always knew that Jared doesn't do anything half-assed; either he goes all the way and with everything he has or he doesn't do it at all. Talking about a second child after officially being a pair for only five weeks must be one of Jared's not doing any half-assed things in life.  
  
They fall asleep only minutes later, come still sticking to them in an uncomfortable manner but for the first time in so many years Jensen can close his eyes without fear of waking up covered in cold sweat and fear. No, he falls asleep with the knowledge of someone actually loving him. Of Jared being in love with him.

**  
**

  
Jared is floating. Really, there's no other word for it. He feels as light as a feather and every step he takes is accompanied by butterflies flapping their wings inside his stomach. He can't remember ever being this happy in his life before. Every emotion, all the bliss and love running through him is with thanks to Jensen.  
  
If they are not at work then they are joined by the hips. Sometimes quite literally and other times as in so to speak. They spent more time than ever together, going on dates while Sandy or Chris and Steve watch Lilly or they go out as a family. Oh God, Jared has a family. Somehow they have always been exactly that and at times it seems like nothing has changed at all. But then Jensen leans in to kiss him or Lilly calls him Papa and then he realizes that everything has changed. To such an amazingly good level that he could burst up in flames because he doesn't know how to contain all this love his heart holds.  
  
Everything is almost too perfect to be true, even Jensen's mental state after his sessions with his psychiatrist show signs of enormous improvement. It's gotten to the point where Jared doesn't have to pick up Lilly anymore and shield her from her Dad's distress and overwhelming sadness, instead Jensen wants him to be there when he returns. And that's exactly where Jared is heading right now. 

Jensen confessed that he always hated to be alone after his visits with the shrink, that every minute spent alone he was wallowing in self-hate and drowned his fears in alcohol. Then Jensen told him that he wants to move on from the pain and begin to enjoy his life with Jared and he can't do that if he still goes home to an empty apartment where he is reminded of how lonely he has always felt.  
  
Jensen barely let his lips finish the question when Jared threw his arms around the older man and promised that he would never be alone again, that Jared will be there when he arrives. There might have been tears and sobbing but Jared wasn't judging. Especially since it was him who bawled the most and the loudest.  
  
He opens the door with his own key and Lilly is the first to greet him, long hair hitting his face and arms tightly wrapped around his neck when she runs up to him. Jared scoops her up and kisses the top of her head; inhaling the sweet scent of her blueberry shampoo.  
  
"Hey baby girl." He says when she cups his cheeks in her tiny hands and gives him a sloppy kiss on the nose.  
  
"I need to show you something, Papa. Come on."  
  
Jared's heart skips a beat at her calling him Papa. He's not sure if he'll ever be able to get over the pride he feels when hearing her say it.  
  
"Alright, I'll be right there. Let me say hello to your Dad first." He puts her back on her feet and she runs off to her room.  
  
"Jen?"  
  
"In the kitchen!"  
  
Jared makes his way to the kitchen and spots Jensen at the stove and a delicious smell enters his nose from where his boyfriend is stirring in the pots and pans on the stove.  
  
"Hey babe, you trying to woo me with your cooking skills?" He asks and walks up behind Jensen, bringing their bodies flush against one another; his hands going around Jensen's waist and caressing his lover's flat stomach.  
  
"Only if it's working." Jensen turns his head to place a kiss on the corner of Jared's mouth and turns away right after. Something is off and only now does Jared see that his boyfriend is as tense as a rock.  
  
"You nervous about your appointment?"  
  
Jensen shakes his head; eyes still glued to the stove.  
  
"What's wrong, Jen?"  
  
"Nothing, really."  
  
"You know I can tell when you're lying."  
  
Jared kisses the back of Jensen's head and nuzzles his nose behind the other man's ear. He isn't mad with Jensen for not telling the truth and hopefully Jensen knows that much.  
  
"The test came back negative. Again." Jensen's voice wavers; edged with worry and disappointment.  
  
"Oh." Is all Jared can answer because this isn't the first time they are having this problem. Fact is, they have been trying to get pregnant for a few months now and every time the result was the same. Sure Jared is disappointed and sad about it but as a doctor he also knows that fertility isn't only a matter of physical health it also matters a lot on mental stability. If your head isn't in it or you're trying to force your body into such a huge change then it just won't happen. You can't pressure your body as much as Jensen does and every time a test comes back negative Jared does his best to explain this to Jensen.  
  
"I'm sorry, Jared."  
  
"Hey, stop that. There is nothing you have to apologize for. It'll happen when it happens."  
  
"But you want this so much and whenever I tell you it didn't work then you have this sad look on your face and..."  
  
Jensen abruptly stops his rambling and Jared spins him around to lock eyes with his boyfriend. "And what?"  
  
"Maybe it's not supposed to be. What if the universe knows that I'm a failure and you shouldn't have to--"  
  
"No! Jensen, shut up. Don't, just don't ever say things like this again you hear me?"  
  
Jensen lowers his head and tries to escape Jared's stern hold and piercing gaze, but Jared won't let him out of this conversation. It’s always the same with Jensen when it’s only hours before his next appointment with the psychiatrist. It’s almost as if Jensen psyches himself up by pulling himself down. It’s weird in its own way but Jared is always there, bringing his boyfriend back to reality and shouldering his concerns and fears as much as he can.  
  
"Of course I'm sad, but this is something neither of us has any power over, alright? We have a smart and beautiful daughter and we already talked about how much she is mine just as much as she is yours. Do you think I care about blood relations when it comes to the people I love? Not having a child of my own blood doesn't mean I'm not having one at all. I already have a child with you and you're making me the happiest person on earth by letting me be a part of this family, allowing me to be her Papa. If you end up getting pregnant with my child, then it won't be anything new or more special. It'll simply be an addition to our already existing family and I'm not going to love it more than I love Lilly. And now hurry up and kiss me because _our_ daughter was going to show me something." 

He knocks at Lilly's door, just like they taught _her_ to always knock first before she enters a private room, such as the bedroom. A cute and heart-warming "yes, you're allowed to enter" fills the air and Jared steps inside with a grin on his face.  
  
"Finally. I drawed you a drawing, Papa. Come, look." She pushes her small pink crown-shaped wooden chair back and gets to her feet to pull him closer to the matching crafting table. Lilly pulls out the second chair for Jared and he bends like a pretzel to sit down with her. Jared doesn't dare leaning against the back of the chair, he broke them once and doesn't like a repeat of fixing them and drying Lilly's tears again.  
  
"So, what did you draw, princess?"  
  
She moves a few pens and empty papers aside and reveals a colorful drawing from underneath. It's almost an identical copy of the picture Jensen had given him in her name. Except this time she has written her name above her head, a crooked arrow pointing to her figure. To her left she drew Jensen, in way too big letters it reads 'Daddy' next to his smiling face and to her right is what is supposed to be Jared, all grinning and on his shirt the word 'Papa' is scribbled in a mix of blue and green letters.  
  
"Don't you like it?" She asks, voice sad and concerned and then Jared realizes that he's crying.  
  
"Oh sweetheart. I absolutely love it! Those are happy tears, promise." He takes her hand with which she just reached out to wipe away a tear and kisses the back of her hand. "This is the most beautiful picture you've ever made."  
  
Her whole face breaks into a huge smile and she's beaming like the sun at him. And then something occurs to him.  
  
"Since when do you know how to write?" She has been writing letters here and there, always striving to learn new things but she has never written her own name before. Or the word _Papa_.  
  
"Daddy showed me." She answers all cool and with a nonchalant shrug of her shoulders.  
  
"Well, I'm very proud of you, Lilly.” 

Minutes later they join Jensen in the kitchen again, Lilly eager as always to help Jared set the table while Jensen is finishing his cooking. Dinner is delicious and amazing as always; they chatter and laugh, they smile and giggle. Even though it’s mostly Lilly who giggles. Jared does his best to steer their conversation into shrink-free territory because Jensen is nervous and on edge; always is before his appointments. 

Then Lilly decides that it’s time to drop another bomb, a rather comfortable and friendly one as you might say. Something Jared has thought about so many times it’s not even funny anymore, but never found the perfect time nor the actual balls to flat out ask. 

“Papa, can you stay with us?” 

“Sure, princess. You know I’ll stay here the night. We gonna make popcorn and watch The Lion King again.” 

“Silly, I mean living here. I don’t want you to go all the time. It’s stupid.” 

Jared swallows hard and can’t help but throw a questioning look in Jensen’s direction. His boyfriend is just as surprised as him but there’s no resent on his face. 

“I would like that, but Lilly, sweetheart, your apartment is a little too small for three people, don’t you think?” And it really is. Jared needs his office at home, his study, the guest room and he honestly doesn’t like the idea of changing from his comfortable and big house to a small apartment. 

“Okay, then Daddy and I come live with you. Right, Daddy?” 

Jensen kind of chokes on his steak and Jared has to slap him on the back a few times so he doesn’t have to perform CPR on him any time soon. Jensen still doesn’t answer once he’s got his breathing back under control and Jared takes Lilly’s side on the matter. 

“Yeah, Lilly and you come live with me, right?” He pulls the same expectant and grinning face Lilly is still holding and Jensen blinks stupidly at both of them. 

“Are you serious?” Jensen asks then, all confused. 

“Absolutely. The house is big enough for all three of us. And it doesn’t even need much changes; Lilly already has her room all set up and there are…” Jared shimmies a little closer to Jensen then, not wanting their daughter to hear what he has to say, “enough other rooms that, when or if the time comes, can be converted into a nursery.” Jared moves back a little then, eyes still locked with Jensen’s but he turns his voice back to normal. “Please move in with me. I really want you two back at the house, it’s always empty without you there and I’m sure Lilly would love to take advantage of the huge backyard.” 

“Okay.” It’s barely above a whisper, it’s unsure and strained but Jensen still means it in all sincerity. 

A loud squeal of happiness almost deafens them when Lilly jumps off her chair and throws her arms around Jared and then Jensen next. 

It’s almost impossible to finish lunch properly with all the chatting and planning Lilly offers them but both men let her be. She’s happy, _they_ are happy and nothing else matters for either of them. 

After the dishes are cleaned off and the table is free of all the food Lilly spilled Jared goes to the bathroom with her to make sure she cleans all the food off her mouth as well and then takes her on a piggyback ride back to the living room where Jensen is preparing the movie for them to watch while the older man will be gone for his therapy. 

“You ready to leave?” Jared asks and he knows the answer because Jensen is actually running late if he doesn’t get going anytime soon. 

“Yeah. Bowl of popcorn is in the microwave, all you have to do is fire it up.” 

“Thank you, babe.” Jared leans down to kiss his boyfriend, but then Lilly, still on his back, pulls his head back with a growl. “Papa!” 

“Keep complaining about me and Daddy kissing and I’ll never stop or I’ll tell him about Scotty.” Jared threatens with a big grin. 

“Who’s Scotty?” Jensen wants to know and Jared offers him to just go ahead and ask Lilly. But their little girl beats him to it. 

“Nobody. Papa, go kiss Daddy.” 

Jared bursts out laughing but does as he’s told. 

“Now get going, Jen. We’ll be here when you get back.” 

Jensen nods at him and collects his wallet and cell along with his car keys. Before he opens the door to leave though he turns back around to Jared, who’s struggling not to be strangled by Lilly’s arms around his throat. 

“Hey Jay?” 

“Mhm?” 

“I love you.” 

If Lilly wouldn’t be holding on to Jared like a monkey he might have dropped her, but thankfully her little arms and tiny fingers are like hooks of steel. 

Jared closes the gap between him and Jensen and captures his boyfriend’s lips with his own, kissing him long and hard until Lilly’s frustration breaks them apart. 

“I love you too. You’ve got no idea.” 

“I think I do.” 

With another last peck on the corner of Jensen’s mouth Jared finally lets him leave for his therapy session. It’s the first time since in months, the first time since Jensen’s actual confession of his feeling that he had voiced his love for Jared and this just might be the best day of his life. Amongst all the other best days of his life since he and Jensen are finally together. 

They might still have a long way to go in order to leave Jensen’s past completely behind but they are definitely heading into the right direction. Maybe they’ll even have enough luck to add another family member to the bunch sometime in the future, but Jared won’t worry too much about it. First Jensen needs to have his head free off all the memories locking his head up for new things. They’ll manage, like they always do. Doesn’t mean they have to stop _trying_ for another baby though, right?

 

 

 

 

*** **The End** ***


End file.
